Joe sure is patient when it comes to waiting for the results of the election

All I hear is Joe Biden his time till the results are finalized!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalmingVisionary
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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The moment we all patiently wait for.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rastamonsta20
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later." short-funny.com/best-puns…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2017
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Good 1 dad
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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Patient: *waiting for the doctor*

Patient: waiting for the doctor

Doctor: Sorry to keep you waiting.

Patient: Its okay, I am patient.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sadbookshelf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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As a Dad, I can be patient waiting for the payoff...

Every time my oldest daughter would ask me to pick her up, I would say "You've got pretty eyes." She was about 8 when she finally got it. Now when I do the same joke to her younger sisters, I hear off from elsewhere in the house, "Daaaaaaaaad".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/willsue4food
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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A new disease is sweeping the world. It's a type of nostril infection, very costly to test for

But one man, born with extra sensitive smelling, has been providing free exams to the public to eradicate this new threat. Dr. Theodore Nose of UCH Hospital has a long line of patients waiting every morning, wanting the incredible accuracy of this man.

And as his secretary says...

No one's nose knows noses like Nose's nose knows noses.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRichTookItAll
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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A doctor is giving medical treatment when a nurse comes in saying that they need the doctor in another room. The nurse told the guy getting medical treatment to wait.

He waited patiently.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noqms
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Laughing at the Law

A game warden caught a man fishing without a licence "You're going to have to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket," said the warden.

"But officer," the fisherman replied, "I didn't catch these - they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done, they jump back in the bucket."

"Oh, really? This i've got to see. If you can prove it, i'll let you go without a fine."

The fisherman emptied the bucket into the lake and waited patiently. A few minutes went by and nothing happened.

"So where are the fish?" asked the warden.

"What fish?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoganWren
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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He's on da nerve
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samyaksoni
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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I was at a restaurant tonight with family, when my dad started singing: "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..." (it was no one's birthday - we all looked confused)

"... Happy birthday, dear Menu"

points to "Jan 2014" printed on the base of the menu

"Happy birthday to you"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danieljr1992
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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Lawyer, chemist and a statistician goes hunting

Lawyer, chemist and a statistician are out in a forest hunting for deer. After one hour of patiently waiting lawyer finally spots one. The lawyer shoots at a deer and misses half a meter to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses half a meter to the right. Both are furious and dissapointed as they see the deer escape.

Chemist asks statistician - "why you didn't shoot ?"

Statistician replyes - "I didn't need to, we already shot him !".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeserLP
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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Nurse and dad

Nurse: apologies for making you wait

Dad: no problem, I am patient

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πŸ‘€︎ u/how2crtaccount
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

....First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SledgeHog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actually someone else's turn; the Kraken, or the Minotaur, or the Chupacabra. Eventually it seemed to get on the Satyr's nerves, because he yelled over "pipe down, Mike, we're all sick of you needing to be the Centaur of attention!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrbadxampl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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Court Chester: Cell of the Century

Chester, the defendant, stood in front of the judge's imposing bench, waiting patiently for the reason why he was there. To further muddle the moment, he stared at items unfamiliar to him, at least in that context.

Perched on and near His Honor's desk were the following: A DuraLast Ultra in one car with a long, black cord stretching to another car, several alkaline D cells plugged into a black box, and lastly, a cell phone with its cord sticking into the wall.

Finally removing Chester's questioned look was his attorney leaning into his ear to whisper, "It's official, now: You're facing battery charges."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bradstros
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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idk why i made this one up πŸ˜•

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhayes69123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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Some friends of mine were talking about how eating pizza would make them gain weight

I responded by telling them that if I’m really patient, I gain wait

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IHaveTenderLoins
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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I popped this one on my wife just now

Dog is sitting patiently in the kitchen, waiting for me to drop some ham for him.

Wife: No dog, you don't get any ham.

Me: Yeah I tried hiding it from him but unfortunately... he nose the truth!

I tap my nose with a shit-eating grin... wife rolls her eyes and walks away

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lancaster1983
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
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So I'm at the store today, and I've gathered my items. I head for the checkout to pay for all of my stuff, while on my way there, I see a guy acting a little strange, but I continue on my way.

I set my items on the counter, and the cashier starts ringing them up one after another while I wait patiently. I notice the guy in line behind me a few people still acting a little weird, antsy is how I would describe it.

Anyways, the cashier snaps me out of my thoughts by telling me my total and as I go to reach for my wallet, I see the guy dashing out the door.... as in transfixed on his fleeing image, my hand reaches my pocket and I realize he's stolen my wallet!

I make a mad dash for him, chasing him down in the middle of the parking lot. He reaches his vehicle at the other end and as he hops in, I catch up to him and I'm able to grab his leg. I start pulling his leg and pulling his leg harder and harder trying to get him out.

I keep pulling his leg very similarly to how I've been pulling your leg for the last minute.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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I managed to make a joke to my doctor dad

I was setting up some hardware for him and he asked me to hurry up.

I said, "Can't you wait, I thought you had a lot of patients?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malwaare
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2017
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Cure for Boredom

Ok so here's what you do.

Go onto Amazon or Ebay or whatever and purchase a small dog cage. Make SURE that is is made of either completely STEEL. Nothing else. Get advanced shipping or whatever gets it to your door as fast as humanly possible. Now wait patiently for your package to arrive. Once the delivery person knocks on your door to get you to sign for your package tell them to wait until you open the box. If they seem leery of you explain that you have had trouble in the past with your parcels and you just want to make sure that your order is correct. Open the box and remove the cage from the box. Inspect it thoroughly. Now LISTEN CAREFULLY! This is the part you can't mess up. Look up from the cage and stare into that poor delivery person's eyes. Like so deep you can see their ancestors. Say these exact words. "I knew it... I can't believe I ordered a nickel less cage."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Endangerd_Box
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2015
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So there are these twins in my calculus class...

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.

His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."

He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.

Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.

Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unknown_name
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
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My coworker got me today

We had a patient waiting for one of our doctors, but he didn't speak English. Coworker 1 "I think he speaks Mandarin." Me " I wonder if so and so Dr. Speaks Mandarin?" Coworker 2 "I don't known Mandarin, but I'm working on my Satsuma" Groans were had...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nataliey9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2016
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My parents came down to visit me this weekend. Dad pulled a quick one.

So I'm in undergrad right now, on track to apply to dental school and whatnot. My parents came down to visit me and bring me some home cooked goodies. They got hungry so we decided to hit up a BBQ joint. In the car, my mom is scolding me for something (I forget what for) but my reply was that I don't have any patience to do it. She says "Why don't you have any patience?" when my dad chimes in and says "Well, he has to wait until he graduates from dental school before he gets any patients".

Baduhm-tss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrwongme
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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Bingo!

For some reason my entire family plays bingo every year on Christmas. And every time my dad draws and reads all the number-letter combos. And every year he waits patiently until he can say his favorite dad joke: Oh, thank goodness it's not malignant... (pause for emphasis) It's B9!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tsatugi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
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My dad stops abruptly in front of his car in the parking lot and looks at the hood...

"SHIT!" ....patiently waits for someone in my family to see the bird poop he is staring at while my mom is freaking out about a possible dent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/seewhatyadidthere
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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My favorite patient

I work in an urgent care center. A patient signed in for a stuffy nose for 2 days. They asked how long the wait was and I said about 15 mins, the person rolled their eyes and walked out. I let the physician know that they walked out. She said "That's always good for their health" I said "Well they were my favorite kind of patient."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplesn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2015
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Got the ER nurse and receptionist while being treated.

I sliced the tip of my finger off on a kitchen mandolin and after much convincing from my wife we went to the ER.

Nurse: Sorry for the long wait and thank you for your patience.

Me: This patient's got patience, so no worries.

Wife, nurse and receptionist: groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shifty21
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
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A Nice Prom

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StardustTurtle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyburai
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2013
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You won't see this one coming

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickig_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
🚨︎ report

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