Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced he’s ruler of Egypt? When told β€˜that’s impossible’ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.

People say he’s in da Nile

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The first time Prince Charles went white water rafting, he threw up on himself when the river grew turbulent...

It was a roil-mess.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The Monk and The Cow

A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.

"moo."

The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.

He's interrupted again, "moooo."

The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."

The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.

"Oooooommmm-"

Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."

"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."

The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"

"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.

The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"

The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baconbuddy95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like I’m dadding well:

Son: β€œI hate crumbs.”

Me: β€œThat’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”

Son: β€œWell I don’t want to eat them.”

Me: β€œAnd they don’t want to eat you.”

Son: β€œCrumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”

Me: β€œWhat if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”

Son: β€œAnd I’d say you’re ducking weird.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?

A: he was wearing a naval uniform.

Anyone know similar nonsense?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Patyboomba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take him on a piss up to Iceland. When asked why he said:

I want to wreck ya vic!

Why should you never let a man go swimming in Finland with weights on his ankles?

Coz He'll sinky

What do people most commonly use toilet paper for in Bandar Seri Begawan?

Their Brunei

Catwoman bet her male counterpart he couldn't pronouce the capitol of Nepal. But cat man do.

Why was the Polish man rubbing his bollocks? Coz they warsaw.

I just came up with a cracking pun for Japan. Alas, all the wife could say was "What Tokyo so long?"

The ex Mrs McCartney got naked in East Germany in the 80s. She was known for years in the area as Bare-lin

Cheap flights to Russia still available! Book now! Everything Moscow!

The people of Bahamas think learning Capitol cities is Nassau important

The people of the Netherlands had a need to build a water driven power station as well as an overabundance of pork products. So they used 'Ams to Dam a river.

A husband and wife in the Phillipines were both very, very unwell. The woman was sick, but the man iller.

What's the average Senegalian's favoured mode of transport? Da car

Have you heard about the talking cat in Somalia that only throws insults? The Moggy Diss you

They are obsessed with John Cleese in Uruguay. They love a video of Fawlty towers almost as much as they love a Montevideo

People from Vietnam Hanoi the hell outta me

Rain storms are very rare in Zambia, but in Zimbabwe they Harera

Before you do a joke about Macedonia, let me Skopje right there

I've heard Swedish Ikea workers get stuff for free, they can just take Stockholm

If you are trying to eat Halal in Pakistan, Islamabad or good choice?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spoghead
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife got me good

So we recently moved from the desert to the coast. The house we moved in to is just up the street from the what we call the bay, everyone else calls the river, but in reality should probably be classified as a sound.

well while exploring the area, we were taking in all the sights and sounds and smells and wildlife. The dialogue went something like this.

me: look at all the trees and birds and seagulls

wife: and bagels

me: .................bagels? where do you see bagels? looks around for truck or store of some kind

wife: the bagels

me: wtf are you......i hate you

Edit: since people don't seem to get it. Baygull

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/otp1144
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad's cat.

A little context first: What's known as an "apartment" in the US is generally referred to as a "flat" in the UK. My dad lives in a flat and has a cat. Without a doubt any time anyone talks to my dad this exchange happens:

Person: Do you like locally?
Dad: I live in the flats near the river. Just me and my cat.
Person: Oh, you have cat?
Dad: Yes. She's called Pancake.
Person: That's nice, but why did you name her Pancake?
Dad: Because she's not a house cat... she's a flat cat.

Despite the fact that he's proudly said this joke dozens, if not hundreds, of times, he still cracks up as he says it like it's the funniest joke ever invented.

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ManicWolf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Collection of dadness

I am not a dad at the moment, but I've learned the art of pretty clever puns in college. Some are mine, some are spins on inspirations, others are more on the joke side of dad.

What does a radioactive cat have?
18 half-lives

Ventriloquists are like psychiatrists, they both talk through things.

What is my vision?
To make the world 10% better?
No, it's about 20/20...

The invention of the shovel was truly a groundbreaking discovery.

Dad: I invested in some uranium, but I lost money.
Friend: What happened?
Dad: The Profit decayed.

We have received a report of a hole being discovered in the ground, our investigative team is looking into it.

There was an explosion at a local film manufacturing company, the story is still developing as we speak.

A local theater put together an act about jokes.
It was a play on words

SΓΈ, I hΓͺΓ‘rd yΓΆΕ« lΓ¬kΓ« fΓΆrΓ©igΓ± aΓ§Δ‡Δ“Ε„tΕ‘

As an airline mechanic would say, the job has lots of ups and downs.

My New Years resolution will probably be 25 megapixels, or 4K, not sure yet...

There was a river in Egypt no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Dad-Epitaph:
I thought I'd never live to see this day come.

There are two things that are guaranteed to open doors in life.
Push and Pull!

(How to keep an idiot in suspense)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A man builds robotic snakes for a living, I guess you could say he was a... python programmer!

A researcher's obsession with mixing stone, sand, lime, and water has yielded concrete results.

A madman once attacked a rider on his horse.
The rider had to goto hospital, the horse remains in stable condition.

A man bought a paper shop, it blew away in the wind last night.

Science is all about learning the rules, setting off an absurd amount of explosives, and then writing down what happened.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

Dad: Did you pick up your room?
Kid: No, I tried but it's too heavy.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Fathers Day dad joke

In Australia Fathers Day is on the 1st of September. It was a really nice day for Fathers Day where I live, the weather was perfect so this afternoon we were sitting outside in the sun in our backyard which faces a river. A boat went past and we could hear a big dinging noise going on and on, like something metal tied to a cord was flapping around in the wind and banging something else metal.

Dad pipes up, "God, if I was that guy in the boat and had to listen to that every time I took it out I'd go crazy! I'd probably even keel over!"

Happy Fathers day Dad :)

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hodgkinsonable
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
🚨︎ report
Not a dad, but planning to pull this one out on my children when I take them fishing

So, I'm carrying around all gear, going out to the river. I "accidentally drop it, and pick most of it up, leaving only some fishing line. I then yell to my son "come on, pick up the slack!"

And one day, I hope he learns from me, and does the same to me. And just when he thinks he's gotten me I responded "you must be trolling".

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2pillows
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2016
🚨︎ report
Negativity joke from my dad. (as emailed)

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

scroll down.....

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joe630
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad strikes again

My family was sitting round the table for our bi-weekly dinner, and the conversation was about my Brothers GF's recent trip to Paris. My Dad perked up from his food when the River Seine was mentioned asking "Did you see anyone jump it? Because if you had than they were Insane!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thespedlaverne
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
My 6th grade teacher was the king of dad jokes.

My 6th grade teacher had a reputation of being the meanest, strictest teacher on campus, but once I made it through his class, I realized he could be a jokester, too.

-In math class, he liked to tell a long, complicated story about a boy encountering a genie, eventually wishing for some odd things, just to end it with the punchline, "Gee, I'm a tree." (geometry)

-Another one of his long jokes consisted of a man being chased by a hearse. In a fit of desperation, he throws some Halls throat lozenges at it...."and the coffin went away."

-During study time, he would sometimes grab a balloon from his desk, blow it up, and proceed to slowly let air out of it, just to produce the squeaky noise.

-His favorite short joke: "Doctor, doctor, I broke my arm in three places!" "I advise you to stay out of those places."

-He was also probably the all-time leader of correcting, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

-He would also occasionally play opera music at the end of the day, not dismissing the class until we made it through an entire song without laughing.

-There were also a couple words that incited a specific reaction from him. Many of these words showed up often in history class, which is his favorite subject (probably because of all the jokes):

Anyway, it was a fun year with that teacher. I'll add more of his quirks if I think of any.

-Also,

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyei8hts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Two eskimos are in a kayak...

My uncle told us this one today...

Two eskimos are in a kayak, paddling along a river. Freezing cold, one eskimo says to the other, "hey, why don't we start a fire here in the middle of the kayak?" so they manage to get a small fire going and start to finally warm up, when the fire creates a hole in the middle of the kayak. The kayak fills with water and they sink to the bottom of the river. Moral of the story? You can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

My dad had a hearty laugh at this one.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skwedgie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
🚨︎ report
It would seem that even after 30+ years of marriage, my mother is still warming up my Dad's dadjokes

My mother posted this on facebook this morning (has the relevant story of the pun).

http://imgur.com/IhcyhfC

My parents have 4 dogs (I suppose to replace the 4 boys that have up and left for adulthood) but it looks like my dad knows aren't going to sell one of their own up the river.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hillsonn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked my U.S. History Class.

Today in History Class, we were learning about FDR's New Deal, and my teacher brought up the Tennessee Valley Authority (TVA), which was part of FDR's many public works programs, this one being responsible for damming the Tennessee River for hydroelectric power, and the controversies surrounding it.

In response, I rose my hand and said, "Wow, the TVA must have caused alot of dam controversy."

Laughs were had by all, including the teacher.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EPIDIDYMIS_HUMMUS
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.