Thanks, I kneaded that
A donkey-whisperer rapper-wanna-be, I was able to back that ass up, yo. Uh huh.
backstory: she works in an specialized autism classroom. And it's thursday.
Her: So, today I taught a kid long division.
Me: uh huh
Her: Yeah, we've been working on it since last tuesday-
Me: That IS long division
My daughter and I just a few minutes ago. It was adorable, needless to say.
>Me: What do you wanna watch, horseys (MLP) or Elmo World (Sesame Street actually)?
>uh-huh
>Elmo World or horseys?
>uh-huh
>Elmo World?
>uh-huh
>or horseys?
>uh-huh
>Kiddo, you can only choose one!
>One! ^holds ^up ^one ^finger
So my dad sells furniture and the other day a woman came in and asked for prices on carpets. He said,
"Sorry, we don't sell carpets but there's a great place down the street called Speedy Gonzales'."
She says, "That's a funny name."
"Yeah, but they have lots of underlays."
"Underlays?"
"Uh huh about three of them... Andele! Andele! Andele!!!"
What an idiot.
We walk into a restaurant and are immediately seated, and several minutes later our waiter comes to greet us and asks if we'd like to start with anything.
Dad: Uh, you know, I think we're going to need a few more minutes to decide.
Waiter: Of course! I'll be back to check on you in a few minutes. No Rush!
Dad: looks at me Huh... I wonder what she has against Canadian rock bands from the 80's...
This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.
Sister: My balls are caught in the door!
Me: LOL, WHAT?
Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.
**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.
**Grandma**: *grins and nods*
**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.
**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.
**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.
**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.
**Grandpa**: No, $2.
**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.
**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*
~
**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.
**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.
**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!
**Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE.
~
**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?
**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?
**Me**: Wow.
~
**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.
**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!
**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!
**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!
**ME**: I DID.
~
**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.
**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...
**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.
~
*while watching American Idol*
**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.
**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.
~
**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!
~
*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*
**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.
**Tyla**: Oh yeah? Well at least Papa loves weenies!
*Me and Papa look at each other*
**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.
~
*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off*
**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?
**Me**: ...Seen what?
**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.
**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about?
**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town?
**Me**: ......
~
*While driving through Alton one morning*
**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.
**Me**: Ew. Coffee is nasty.
**Grandma**: No it isn't! It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!
~
*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face*
**Grandma*Me: Is the next Super Bowl just going to be "L"? Cause that doesn't sound as cool as XLIX. It needs lots of Xs.
Dad: Maybe it'll be XxV, get it? Like X times V.
Me: Uh-huh. Wait, did the Romans even know how to multiply?
Dad: Of course they did, that's why there were so many of them!
