My employer now gives two weeks off to recover from the vaccine.
They call it Modernaty leave.
ποΈ 12
π
οΈ Apr 04 2021
If a person doesnβt have to go to prison but has to see an officer every two weeks...
Do they have a probationship?
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Mar 26 2021
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like weβll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
ποΈ 60
π
οΈ Dec 13 2020
Did you hear that the latest north pole expedition was ended two weeks early?
They got there ok but then things went south.
ποΈ 24
π
οΈ Sep 29 2020
I went to a wedding a few weeks ago for two antennas.
The ceremony was decent, but the reception was amazing!
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Oct 31 2020
My doctor assessed my condition and grimaced. 'I--uh, I give you two weeks max."
"Bad news," I said, "and my name is Tom."
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Sep 09 2020
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
ποΈ 17
π
οΈ Aug 11 2020
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Aug 31 2020
After a procedure... Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano?
Doctor: Yes you can.
Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
ποΈ 134
π
οΈ Mar 03 2020
Two of my friends got into car accidents this week
Quarantine is driving people crazy
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Jul 02 2020
The police department made all homicide detectives stay under quarantine for two weeks.
>!They had coroner-virus.
ποΈ 11
π
οΈ Mar 13 2020
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Mar 23 2020
Two female wizards are chatting... the first says to the second, I liked the hat you were wearing last week. The second says...
ποΈ 52
π
οΈ Oct 31 2019
After two weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.
She has the world worst stutter.
ποΈ 60
π
οΈ May 09 2019
The invisible manβs parents havenβt seen their son in two weeks
They couldnβt be more proud!
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Aug 19 2019
TIL about Arda Djoques, a homeless woman in Baltimore who wandered into a school and pretended to be a substitute teacher for two weeks. Despite great reviews from her peers, when the school found out, she was forcefully thrown to the street.
ποΈ 19
π
οΈ Aug 25 2018
What two days of the week start with βT?β
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Jan 11 2019
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Feb 12 2019
The doctor said I should have two weeks at most.
Where's Most? I really fancy a holiday.
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Aug 22 2018
Two beetles run into each other in a week old baguette
One says to the other, 'I thought I was the only beetle around these parts. Where are you from?'
The other responds, 'Who, me? I was born in bread right here.'
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Mar 06 2018
Just got back from working in China for two weeks...
And I feel a little disoriented.
ποΈ 25
π
οΈ Apr 09 2017
My mom lost her car keys. Asked if I had them. I barely search, tell her I don't. Two weeks pass. I find them. Punning ensues.
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Jan 08 2016
At two weeks old, my daughter is already a critic.
ποΈ 17
π
οΈ Aug 20 2013
Every two weeks
So my fiance and I were at a dinner with other people who were also engaged and the topic got around to forts in the living room. We talk about how often there should be a fort in the living room when one of the guys says that they should be put up every two weeks, the fortnight.
All of us future dads busted out laughing.
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Apr 26 2014
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
