Two tone Puns

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, “one ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, “Men! Bring me my red shirt!”

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, “Two ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, “Men! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, “Why do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”

The captain replies, “Well men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”

The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, “TWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, “Men, bring me my brown pants.”

Teacher: so these tuning forms are hit and they make a specific tone, does anyone know what this is called (pointing at on of the prongs of the fork)

Student: isn't it a prong?

Teacher: no, it's actually called a ning, because it's a two-ning fork

Dad: Honey, I need more underwear.

Mom: No you don't! You have a drawer full of them!

Dad: Yeah, but they all have two holes in them!

Mom: (Annoyed Tone) Those are for your legs...

Me talking to my godfather: " [...] one of these Teutonic metal bands like Saxon [...]" 19 year old godsister: "What's Teutonic metal? Is it like two different tones at once?"