A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks

"woof" guy replies

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Bent hoses turn me on...

I'm just kinky like that.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/G0LD1L0CKS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Me: dad can I turn the air-conditioner on?

Dad: did you shampoo it first?

Me: what?

Dad: the air.

Me: ....

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sexy_bluefin_tuna
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
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People with afro's really turn me on

I suppose they're a bit of an afrodiziak for me

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoltbloom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks β€œI wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says β€œmaybe Norway?” My final friend asks β€œdo you thinks she’s Finnish?”

I boastfully reply β€œI fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Suggs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Every naked person I see, turns me on.

Said the shower head.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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My dad asked me to turn on the water heater. To which I replied β€œIt’s on”. Only to see my dad run across the kitchen yelling β€œIt’s on okay bring it no holding back!”
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twinkieded
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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I realized today that endings really turn me on.

I just came to that conclusion.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/13thmurder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
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Eating Greek cheese kind of turns me on.

I must have a feta-ish.

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALinchpin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2017
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My wife keeps waking me up to go turn off the computer and then turn it back on again.

I hate these late night rebooty calls.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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You know what turns me on?

A lightswitch

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phoneguy615
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2017
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I was on a date in a helicopter and the pilot turns and says to me,

"Be careful what you do back there, you could catch a VEN-AERIAL disease!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeremiahvedder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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Every time this player was mentioned on TV, my dad would turn to me and ask "do you think he's got a brother called Art?".
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCTenton
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 32k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amplifi-dash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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If anyone has a suggestion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn...

...I’m all ears.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cognimaniac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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I usually think on my feet, but when a curse turned me into a cat,

it gave me paws.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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My wife spilled tea on herself, and without a moments hesitation, turned to me and said...

β€œI’ve tea’d myself!”

Proud hubby here!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Son is watching Netflix and the video was buffering.......

Son: Do I need to turn out off and on again?

Wife: Just stop hitting the buttons, it's frozen.

Me: No, this is The Secret Life of Pets.

The sweet music of exasperated sighs.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hussein_Jane
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
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My niece turned the tables on me this time

Niece: What is the favorite drink of a cow? Smoooothie.

I have never been so proud of my niece.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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Help me guys! I tried to film a cake being baked, with my new camera, but when I turned on the oven, it broke

I swear that it said the camera could record in 360 degrees, on the box

Edit: corrected a typo

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielnm1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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While on a walk at my family reunion, my mom turned to me while I was with my cousins.

Mom: Can the four of you get together for a picture?

Me: There’s four of me?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rockman2254
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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We had a bit of an awkward moment at home a while back...

My wife and I were doing a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. I had just handcuffed her to the bedhead when we heard one of the kids turning the door handle. I quickly threw the covers over the both of us and in walked my 7 year old son. He noticed the handcuffs, went really quiet and had this confused look on his face. After 15 seconds or so he asked my wife why she was handcuffed to the bed. She blushed and had to come up with a lie on the spot. She stammered out that daddy was just practicing with the handcuffs for his new job as a policeman and that my son should just go back into the lounge room and watch some TV.

A few weeks later I was asked to careers day at my son's school. My son stood up with me in front of the class and proudly announced his daddy was a policeman and that I lock up baddies. I didn't want to embarass him so I just played along. It turns out I was the one who was about to be embarassed. One of the kids asked if my son had ever seen me at work. My son said no but that he had seen me practicing using handcuffs on his mom. It went right over the kids heads but the teacher was very amused and couldn't stop giggling. I guess my wife and I would have been the hot topic in the staff room that day.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
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I finally told the girl I like I thought she was hot

She told me to turn on the Air Conditioner

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ginger-Beefcake
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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So 3 roads walked into a bar

A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"

Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"

Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"

As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"

The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"

"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SurfingSherlock
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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I recently got a new job!

A little bit of Background information:Β  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.Β Β  Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!Β  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.Β Β  However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.Β Β Β  The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!Β Β  My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.Β Β  I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.Β  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.Β Β  At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.Β Β Β  He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,Β  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.Β Β Β  I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.Β Β Β  Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!Β Β  Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!Β Β  At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.Β  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"Β  I never realized how freeing it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terjulmar
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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I went to the Pharmacy today...

When I got there, I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, β€œYes! Could you please taste this for me?” Being I’m a Senior Citizen, I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing, gagging and turning green. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, β€œNow, does that taste sweet to you?” The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, β€œHELL NO!!!” So I said, β€œOh thank God! That’s such a relief! My Doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my Urine for sugar!”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My College Internship Almost Ruined My Life

I'm quite the music history buff- always have been. My first inkling as a college student was to explore turning this into a career. So I found a music museum, wrote an impassioned essay, and somehow landed the 12-week internship.

When I got there, I met the curator, a woman named Rhonda. Like me, she had grown up enjoying music and always wanting to know more. Thanks to grants and donors' generosity, she had helped continue the museum's legacy of showcasing what might otherwise be lost to history.

The tradition of the museum had always been to let the interns work in the orchestral wing. My assignment in particular was the string section.

Now I didn't know a whole lot about the string family, but I saw some really fine specimens and decided we could perhaps tell a broader story about the progression of the instruments. And so I began studying.

After about a week of studying, I went to Rhonda and asked if we could do something different here. She was very receptive to the idea and introduced me to her assistant, Dr. Will. His PhD was in history, natch, but he still relished having everyone call him Doctor. It was funny.

Dr. Will helped me learn so much about how the family of instruments developed over time, their overall cultural footprint, etc.

Did you know a fiddle and a violin are the same thing? Did you know the viola family dates back to the 16th C.? Vivaldi wrote 25 cello concertos!

I dazzled visitors with tales of the Stradivarius, Amati and Guarneri families. I noted the increase in neck length over time. I reassured them that despite the name catgut, no cat intestines were used in the creation of these instrumentsβ€”but it sure might be sheep or goat.

Sadly, 12 weeks goes by quickly when you're having fun, and I got enthusiastic letters of recommendation from Rhonda and Dr. Will, and I do miss them. Hello, you two.

I figured I could waltz (sorry) right in to more museum jobs later, but boy, was I mistaken.

I kept interviewing for the job, but after about the 10th cold shoulder, I had to find out what I was doing wrong. I had done such a good job, after all, right??????

So I fucking called the museum

got the guy who interviewed me on the lineβ€”and he wasn't thrilled to even talk to me. But I asked him, sir, why didn't I even get a call back? Weren't my qualifications good?

He said, yes, BUT.......

"...we simply can't hire someone who has exhibited a history of violins."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yungcfa
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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I had a friend in the publishing industry who made calendars, but I had to end our friendship

He was always getting hung up on little things, and telling me that our days were numbered. I've turned the page.

I hear he's dating someone now though.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runawaj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
The other day I was driving home...

And my cellphone chimed in "Turn left in 160 meters..." despite the fact that that I was on the quickest route home...

I couldn't help myself, I raged against the GPS machine and screamed "Fuck you I won't turn where you tell me!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearly_cunning
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My father's getting on in his years, so I asked his doctor what to do if he becomes incontinent. He turned to me and said....

"Depends."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boxbeat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My kid turned the tables on me.

Dad: What was your essay on on school today? Kid: It was not an essay it was a paragraph. Dad: What was your paragraph on? Kid: Loose Leaf.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in the betting shop

and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'.

Turns out it was a rubbish tip.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife lectured me on how she could improve my tighty whities if she turned them into long johns.

I asked her to keep it brief.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Just got my wife in a traffic jam

We’re sat in traffic and the car in front has a β€œwatch for motorbikes” bumper sticker on it.

Me: hmmmm watch for motorbikes Wife: suspicious head turn Me: must be one hell of an expensive watch Wife: sigh

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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I went to a dadjoke contest, but the crowd turned on me when I started telling puns...

I guess you could say there were some punintended consequences.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmn2207
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2016
🚨︎ report
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife turned the tables and Dad Joked me on our evening walk. I was not prepared...

Wife: We should take the short cut this time.

Me: Short cut? But who would want to cut things short?

Wife: ...a hair dresser?

Wow.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McDermit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Thought I had my daughter, until she turned it around on me

Daughter (exasperated): Dad, it's a metaphor. Me (excited): Ooo. I never met a four. Are they like threes? Daughter: Yeah, just a little bigger.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/resonantSoul
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Need Hella Puns

https://preview.redd.it/wa3s3ozxftc61.png?width=4500&format=png&auto=webp&s=04f10d36e95914e4d39ec2312ce5176a062911b1

Who thinks they're punny?! πŸ˜œβ €β €I sketched this Hellraiser holding a cactus and thought it'd make a cute Valentine's Day card. I'm in the process of colouring it and I want YOU to help me caption it.β €

I've asked the question on IG (@ashrobertsondesign) but didn't get a lot of feedback so I'm reaching out here. Gimme your best prick, point, hell, etc. related puns n make it about love πŸ”₯

I'll choose a favourite from the comments and turn it into a FREE Valentine's Day card printable.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashtrobertson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Unemployed Pilot (Dad still killing it at 70)

My dad just sent me this (couldn't help but groan, even as a dad myself):

I had a fella in painting and decorating the house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is actually a Ryanair pilot on PUP (Pandemic Unemployment Payment - social welfare in Ireland for those affected by Covid), he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landingπŸ˜¬πŸ‘

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Garbarrage
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
If you hear something, say something

I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.

This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.

Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.

So I said to the French girl, Β«quelque choseΒ». Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"

I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.

A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. Β«quelque choseΒ» is the French phrase for "something".

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mermaldad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
If anyone has a suggestion on how to reverse the spell that turned me into corn...

...I’m all ears.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cognimaniac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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