I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...

I’m afraid someone roofied me

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I shaved the top half of my cat this morning.

He's been furloughed too.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MattyK_They_Say
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I got hit on the top of my head by a Japanese car part while walking during a storm this morning...

It was raining Datsun cogs...

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2017
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Tried to Dadjoke my four year old, got outsmarted.

This morning my son was about to put on his socks.

I: -wait, are there holes in your socks?

Son: -Yes, of course! Or else i wouldn't be able to get my fot into them. *holds up socks for me to see while extending hole at the top with fingers.

Me: -Hmrp... *sectretly feeling proud.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2rgeir
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Set myself up for a Dad joke and it paid off

Yesterday while cleaning the kitchen and throwing out old stuff from the freezer, I put a set of coupons for Harvey's restaurant in there.

This morning I got up and they were on top of the fridge. I asked my wife if she'd removed them and she said she thought they fell in there by accident.

"No," I said, "I didn't want them to expire."

πŸ‘︎ 476
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GringoDeMaio
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Wife was not amused

Recently in my neck of the woods, we have been experiencing a cold snap. This morning, my wife set me up for a zinger.

Wife (dressing our 10 month old daughter): I don't know how to dress her.

Me: Shirt goes on the top half, pants on the bottom half.

Wife: No! I mean for the temperature!

Me: Oh! Honey I don't think the temperature cares what she wears today.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neocontra
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Going halves with the neighbours for a new fence.

We went to Stratco (fence & roofing company) this morning, to look at and price up a new side fence. You know how you can get decorative top panels, well there is one that is just a bunch of linked circles that my wife liked.

I vetoed it though; I thought the neighbours might find it a bit o-ffencive...

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BrokkenFrepz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.