I got fired from my job as a sports writer, they said all my articles were too short

I guess a pitcher is worth a thousand words.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
At first, I thought my haircut was too short.

But then it grew on me.

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/radioclash86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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I trimmed my beard too short.

I wasn’t sure about how It looked but it grew on me!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zanman546
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I got my hair cut last week. I thought it was too short at the time...

... But now it's growing on me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn't say anything when I got paid too much.

I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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I want to be a butcher but I’m too short

The steaks are too high

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lZombieChaserl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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My English teacher gave me a D on my literature essay. Among other things, my Works Cited page was apparently β€œtoo short and informal”.

His words, not mine.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cylasbreakdown
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to think my haircut was too short,

But I think it’s growing on me! Eh eh?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hourse005
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I just got a haircut that I didn’t like. My hair seemed too short....

But eventually it grew on me

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zberry97
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tutandgroan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
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Lif is too short.
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report
When I left the barbershop, I initially thought my hair was too short.

But it's growing on me.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoseFellas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2017
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I went to go get a haircut and they ended up cutting it way too short

I didn't like it, but it started to grow on me

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Landers_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
🚨︎ report
My SO and I were just discussing how our friends named their new dog Mariota or Yoda for short and he said, "I can't see that name sticking for too long...it sounds forced." Ba dum tssss.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lydell
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph

Because he’s too short to be an Essay

πŸ‘︎ 340
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuruWitch
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Plumber came around after I blocked the toilet too bad. He left shortly after seeing the mess.

I hope he wasn’t too de-turd.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MSummahz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why aren't there any short chefs anymore?

The steaks are too high

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CALAZ1986
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I really tried to get into watching dwarf MMA.

I just couldn’t, the fights were too short.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_eat_unwiped_ass
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
You know what happened to the guy who wanted to use "MyDick" as his password?

The Website told him that he can't do it because his password is "too short"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisStoneGermany
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't penguins fly?

They're too short to be pilots.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YDAQ
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Need a short Pun involving Dinosaurs and Space?

I just need a very short pun involving space and dinosaurs to go on the cover of an adventure book im writing for kids.

"A roarsome adventure" is too cliche and I'd like space to be featured somewhere. But there isn't a lot of room.

Thanks for any help, don't worry about them being dumb as a dumb pun could inspire a decent one :)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mikomiji
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Circumcision Puns Aren't Funny

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oemus2776
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Apparently, Kanye West has ended his Presidential campaign.

And just shortly after starting it too. But you know how the saying is: "Yeezy come Yeezy go".

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NomadStar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I might get divorced and find a taller woman

Wife’s too short

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I got another wrist watch for my birthday, so I wanted to get rid of the old ones. Looking through how many I had

I decided to give them a new purpose and turn them into a nice belt. But it ended up being too short.

This whole project was a waist of time.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zitter_Aalex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A flasher sees three old ladies on a park bench. He walks up and exposes himself. The first one had a stroke. The second one had a stroke.

The third one couldn’t, her arms were too short.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tupacwolverine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Traveling Evangelical Geese...

My morning walk with the dog was cut short today. There's a park we usually wander through so she can sniff and explore, but today we couldn't get in because the path was blocked by an army of angry geese.

I was telling my mom about this and she mentioned there are geese at the river where she and a friend take their dogs, too. She said they must all be in town for some kind of conference. Then she paused for half a second and continued:

I bet it's a religious thing. They're here to preach the goosepel.

(To satisfy the rule: that's a play on gospel.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PupperPuppet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, β€œSorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, β€œThat’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”

The old guy says, β€œWell maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, β€œShe is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, β€œDoesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad is in the hospital and king of dad jokes.. I'd love to make him a little book

Hi! My dad had a heart attack last week, then went home, less than 12 hours later was back in with a one in a million fluke chance that he'd have complication. He's been in for a week now and was told he is nothing short of a miracle. I'm pregnant and can't really go see him often in ICU because of the very very sick people, but I wanted to do something special and thought i'd ask here. He is pretty down about the whole thing, usually pretty active guy keeping himself busy but I would love to create a little book for him to cheer him up. Nothing crazy but maybe some great jokes to keep him on the cheery side I might include a little art for him too with the joke. Thanks everyone.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vulgarwanderer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A whimsical tale...

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, β€œSire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

β€œFather,” said Emily, β€œhave you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.”

β€œNo worries Em,” responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.”

The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.

The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.

β€œWhat is your answer, young man?” declared the king.

The young man replied, β€œIn order to calculate Elizabeth’s apples, you must ADD EM’S APPLE.”

The king answered β€œlol get it?”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diezlk9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
🚨︎ report
My mom said she had trouble hitting the high notes in a karaoke song.

She said it was because she was too short and didn't have the right shoes on.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WEEBERMAN
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the rabbit ride the rollercoaster?

They were a hare too short.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sesamepuns
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm pretty proud of this one

A female friend of mine was talking about her new haircut and complaining that her stylist cut it too short for her liking.

Without so much as thinking out popped "Don't worry it will grow on you"....Nudge nudge wink

She decided that she's done talking to me for the day.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oconnorda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Sudden Urge to get Naked

(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]

This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.

My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.

Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"

Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.

After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"

He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unicorn_brew
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
🚨︎ report
Me: *wearing Capri pants*

Dad: β€œhey your pants are too short.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainmaker291
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
It was silly of Tom Cruise to put his best pistol on the highest shelf

He’s too short to reach the top gun

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoyTheShip
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Why are Mexican boys known as paragraphs?

Because they are too short to be an esΓ©

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I was gonna make a joke about my dick....

but it's probably too short

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zStratoss
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2017
🚨︎ report
When I first got my haircut I thought it was too short

But it's growing on me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aelbaum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Lif is too short.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MghtMakesWrite
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a short mexican?

A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse

πŸ‘︎ 566
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgamGamez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I cut my own hair last week...

It was a bit too short and at first I didn't like it, but it's growing on me

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrpoolube
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BLAZEtms
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph. They’re too short to be an ese.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheeese9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Mexican midget?

You call him paragraph. He is too short to be called essay.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/0CerealKiller0
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2018
🚨︎ report

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