So I gave him a once-over with the lawn strimmer.
But then it started to rub off on me
I also posted this on Jokes so don't hate me
βOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.β
Me:This is my grandpa, he use to be a boxer Grandpa: yeah, but now I am a German Shepherd
...Colby
Thatβs your own asphalt
I was proud to immediately come up with "Hola Latte, soy Dad!"
Turns out he doesn't know the least bit Spanish and this was lost on him...
Me: Meet me at Mo's Egg House at 8AM. The rental place opens at 9AM and we can get some breakfast. Boyfriend: I know eggsactly where that is.
It's nice to know if they get married and have kids my grandchildren will be in good hands.
I said "Can I bake a pie with you?"
He said " i'm not tasty enough to be in a pie."
My bf's dad tells my parents to "take a seat" as we enter the dining room. My dad promptly takes a chair and exits, then proceeds to bust up in the next room.
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
As I am blowdrying my hair my boyfriend surprises me by jumping around the doorway to my bathroom holding up the cat:
Him: Gaaaargh! Grrrrr! Me: scream of surprise as I patter my feet Him: I'm a cat burglar! Get it?
Him: "just pick any pair. It's not like they have feelings"
Me: "But they do have soles!!"
We both groaned.
But he missed it by about a foot.
thatβs when i had to put my foot down
"You're not very plane and Boeing as I thought you'd be."
But then I remember I have to stop being so self-deprecating
βPut βem in the blender and pull out the beaks.β
Yes, heβs a dad. And yes, he was proud of that.
He was telling us all how nervous he was that he wouldn't fit in there, and my dad says, "don't worry, everyone there will be in the same boat."
Today we were having lunch in a fancy restaurant for my cousin's birthday.
The conversation turned to which unusual animals people had eaten and what they tasted like. My cousin goes "I wonder what platypus tastes like, fish?"
Boyfriend: "I've heard platypus is great until you get the bill"
He is constantly saying shit like this... he can't help himself.
He said "of course it's hard, he was blind you know!"
I cried and hugged him .
Me: Do you know when bread goes bad?
Him: I don't know. Did you check the "Best by" date on the package?
Me: Hmm.. that's weird. There's no "Best by" on here, but there's a Circuit City.
My boyfriend and I love Jew puns. So I'm thinking of asking him like "Lets take a shower at HOCO" or "Will jew go to hoco with me" Lets bake it at hoco. Any ideas?
Here are two of my dad's funniest (most memorable) moments while out to eat...
About five years ago, my ex-boyfriend and I went out for Valentine's Day with my parents. My mom and I were having a conversation about my brother's ex-fiancee when...
Ex: "Oh, so you guys don't like her?"
Dad: "No, but that's alright, we don't really like [K's] boyfriend all that much either."
Needless to say, it wasn't as funny at the time...
Then about a few months ago, with my current boyfriend, we went out to eat with some family friends. At the time, my boyfriend was employed at an A/C company doing Chinese drywall and was talking with two of the men employed in other construction trades.
Family Friend: "Don't get involved in concrete. Or Construction. Better yet, stay out of anything that begins with a C."
Dad (from the other side of the table): "You better stay out of anything that starts with a K, too."
It's even more ironic considering I happen to have one of those names that's commonly spelled with a C, but my parents decided to spell with a K. But as mortified as my boyfriend was, I have to give it to my dad, that one was pretty damn funny.
Boyfriend: So how many kids does The Rock have?
Me: Two.
B: Both daughters, or is one a son?
M: Both daughters.
B: He should have another kid so that he can have a boy and take a family photo, where it's the boy, his two daughters, and then him standing on the end. 'Cause you know what he'd be then?
M: What?
B: Third Rock from the son.
He's sleeping outside tonight.
I have a healer and I'm grinding for gear right now. Me: "I'm thinking about grinding for the flip flops." Boyfriend: "There are flip flops?" Me: "Yea dude." Boyfriend: "If you get the flip flops they'll show off your heals."
What kind of underwear does Zeus wear?
..............Thunderwear!
What kind of underwear does a pirate wear?
.............plunderwear!
What kind of underwear does the NRA wear?
...............gunderwear!
What kind of underwear does a tyrannical leader wear?
............Attila the Hunderwear!
What kind of underwear does a Spanish person wear?
...............Juanderwear?
can you think of some more? :)
My friend Sarah and I were tossing up between Indian and Thai. We called her boyfriend Sam to see if he would like takeaway. He can't have shellfish so Thai is a no.
Sarah: "we're trying to decide if we should get Thai or Indian. Do you want take out because if you do, we will get curry but if not, we will get Thai for us."
Me: "you're the tie-breaker."
Him: take off your clothes Me: What if I don't? Him: then I'll take off your clothes Me: why are you wearing my clothes?
"Now when your mom asks if you've made your bed, you can always say yes."
Sister complaining about her chicken.
Sis: Do chickens have scales? Because my chicken wing has a scale on the end.
Mom's boyfriend: How much did it weigh?
Looking at photos of our escapades from earlier in the day my boy friend comments on his new experimental man bun.
Me: "It looks top knot...ch to me."
Me: Someone ran into him with their helmet and his ear was ringing for a few minutes afterwards.
Dad: Did he answer it?
We were taking a back road because it was faster, but he was unfamiliar with the area.
Him-"Is this the right turn?"
Me-"Well, actually it's a left."
Him-chuckle
"Do you have a lot of mustard work to do also?"
http://imgur.com/tIsLN3p
βOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.β
