Thereβs tons of liquidity in this market
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︎ Feb 03 2021
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
π︎ 401
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues.
The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
π︎ 14k
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︎ May 01 2020
If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?
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︎ Mar 26 2020
I'm sorry, but I'm extremely proud of this one, and nobody in the chat found it funny =(
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︎ Jan 14 2020
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 27 2020
I canβt believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Oct 09 2019
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
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︎ Aug 02 2019
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Did you hear about Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend breaking into an animal shelter and releasing a bunch of huskies into the wild??
Turns out it was The Who that let the dogs out
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︎ Feb 06 2021
This one generated a lot of buzz on r/memes
π︎ 6k
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︎ Sep 02 2019
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Oct 19 2019
A bunch of people said they liked my shirt
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︎ Sep 10 2019
Why is 19 afraid of 20
Because they got in a fight once and 21
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︎ Aug 19 2019
I can't think of a title, let me sleep on it.
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︎ Aug 17 2019
A can of what?
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︎ Nov 08 2019
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
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︎ Jul 08 2019
What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
π︎ 2k
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︎ Nov 14 2019
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went out and had beers. Cool guy, very driven, wants to be a web designer.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Sep 24 2019
Ah! You fell for one of the classic blunders!
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︎ Jan 28 2020
π︎ 41k
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︎ Feb 03 2021
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Nov 01 2019
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
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︎ Sep 22 2019
I took two pairs of socks golfing
In case I got a hole in one
π︎ 6k
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︎ Jan 06 2020
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"
π︎ 10k
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︎ Oct 16 2019
What do you call a shoe made of a banana?
π︎ 4k
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︎ Dec 18 2019
I once glued a set of false teeth onto a boomerang...
... that came back to bite me.
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︎ Feb 03 2021
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
π︎ 14k
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︎ Jul 02 2019
People living in third world countries, what is something that is a part of your everyday life that people in first world countries would not understand / cope with?
π︎ 47k
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︎ Sep 04 2020
Im dieing of laughter
π︎ 6k
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︎ Feb 27 2019
Gotta get me one of those...
π︎ 3k
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︎ Dec 30 2019
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
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︎ Oct 07 2019
Whatβs the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven cβs
π︎ 12k
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︎ May 04 2019
How can you identify a group of math teachers?
They're the ones that look like alge-bros.
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︎ Jan 28 2021
Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones accused of inciting violence after saying Biden will be removed βone way or the otherβ
independent.co.uk/news/woβ¦
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︎ Dec 13 2020
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
Heβs now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
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︎ Jun 04 2019
Did you know that statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves arenβt Happy?
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︎ Nov 04 2019
The most holy of shits
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︎ Oct 25 2019
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. Iβm a pretty liberal guy but if Iβm having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
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︎ May 07 2019
π︎ 68k
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︎ Nov 27 2020
What's the opposite of Lady Fingers?
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Why was the cat afraid of the tree
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︎ Feb 22 2021
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
π︎ 1k
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︎ May 13 2019
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Jul 13 2019
One of the most underrated animated films ever
π︎ 3k
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︎ Apr 03 2019
Think of a number between 5 and 15. Multiply by 2, add 3, and subtract 7 from the answer. Now close your eyes.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Feb 25 2019
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jun 07 2019
I canβt think of a title
π︎ 4k
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︎ Apr 23 2019
The last 4 letters of βqueueβ arenβt silent
Theyβre waiting for their turn
π︎ 10k
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︎ Feb 16 2019
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction!
Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)
π︎ 10k
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︎ Feb 06 2019
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