Dad: He's not going to sell many ice creams going at that speed!
cringeee
"Did you know we're driving by the dead centre of town?"
But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.
It was atoll...
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...
I think I’ve really improved the delivery!
They’re out standing in their field
Waste of time turns out hes got two left feet.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
But it's what's inside that counts
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
...when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him that they were stored in my dadabase.…
It didn’t taste too bad, but it was time consuming...
It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
Teacher: “So I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”
The teacher has everyone turn their body over
Teacher: “Now I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”
all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first
Teacher: “Okay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”
The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked
As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, “now see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.
With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz
... people are just dying to get in there.
I can't wait to have kids to see if they have their mother's groan.
I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.
I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.
As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.
I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.
Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"
"OH WOW THIS IS SPECTACULAR. A train must have been here recently, you can still see its tracks!!"
And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me it’s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass it’s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasn’t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.
“Why don’t you just admit it Harry”, she said;
but he stuck to his denial,
“You think I could ever do something like this Sarah”, he said.
Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.
My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said “Well if the Foux shits...”
"Hey it's the Mexican phone company."
"It wouldn't be so windy here if they would shut off those fans!"
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
Dad: I hear the employees are going on strike.
One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. 🤪🤣
Everything is so "lit" these days
"why do they put fences around cemeteries?" "cause people are just dying to get in!"
He tells this joke like its new every time we pass a cemetery, even if there's no fence around it.
"I think he just hangs around in his cell a lot."
Dad: "Uh oh, the cows are all lying down, you know what that means!" Victim: "It's going to rain?" Dad: "No...they're tired."
Dad: How many people do you think are dead in there?
Me or someone who hasn't heard it already: I don't know, 10,000?
Dad: All of them.
"Hey you guys see that cemetary?" Yeah dad. "Well I hear its so good people are dying to get in!"
Every freaking time.
There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.
Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.
After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, “Hey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, “go away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.
After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said “We will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.
After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. “Hey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.
The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.
Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, “Wow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, “Say that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, “Well I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, “Charlie! It’s a talking dog!”
"Look! That sure is a funny looking deer!"
Grandpa sees cemetery
Grandpa: Do you know why someone living in (random city's name) can't be buried here?
Me: I don't know, why?
Grandpa: Because they are living. chuckles to himself
I've heard it over 100 times and he always forgets I have heard it before.
I bought a bottle of whiskey for our pastor and when my son saw it he said, "straight rye whiskey ... the true spirit of Christmas."
He's going to make a great dad someday.
As loud as possible: "HEY!"
Whenever you go passed a field with a hay bale point to it and say “Hay kids!”
When they look and say “what?”
Calmly say “Hay.”
Serious groans every time...
I was driving with some of my buddies when I see a "Firewood!" sign. I point it out and read it aloud:
Me: Fire wood?
Buddy: Yeah, firewood. What about it?
Me: I see these signs everywhere. Who is this "Wood" and why do we need to fire him?
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
My dad: "Everyone's dying to get in there"
(Pointing) That place is so popular, people are dying to get in.
"People are dying to get in there!"
