I’m having a hell of a time getting this yoga instructor to leave my house.
Every time I ask her to leave she just says “namaste.”
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
Let me tell you kids how I built this house from the ground up..
Kids: Not again Grandpa, we've heard that story a million times! Don't you have any others to tell us?!
Grandpa:
This is a one-story house.
Credit:
https://inkyrickshaw.com/comic/not-very-tall-tale/
I walked down this street where the houses were numbered, 64K, 128K, 256K, and 1MB
That was a trip down memory lane.
Instead of decorating my whole house this year, I decided to put all of my lights in my drinks cupboard instead..
We'll Christmas is all about Makings Spirits Bright
Two Thirty, heard this pun a thousand times growing up in a house of dentists.
Saw this sitting outside my house and had to take advantage of it
Me: this is my house
Friend: what's upstairs
Me: stairs don't talk
I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...
I’m afraid someone roofied me
Found this glove zip tied to the stop sign across from my house.
My grandpa just came over to my house with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast. Miffed, I questioned, “Who's this guy?” Gramps chuckled and replied, "Who, him?"
"This is my hip replacement!"
I was showing my friend my new house and said, “This is the ground floor..”
Him: “What’s upstairs?”
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I've been in this house for three years.
A realtor showing a house to a couple says: “This is the sun room.”
The man goes, “Ok great, now where do I put my daughters?”
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions, she laugh at me...
So I just right her left there.
I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me their landlord and that kinda makes them my...
My wife left a note the fridge: this isn't working. I'm going to my mom's house.
I opened the fridge door, the light was on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
My wife won our house today as she wanted me to hang this piece eye level.
My wife is on a tropical food diet and now the house is full of this stuff.
That's enough to make a mango crazy.
My son keeps trying to swim inside the house... So I came up with this idea that I’m starting to feel REALLY GOOD about.
My Amish friend invited me to a house party this weekend!
We're about to get churnt up!
I walked into a stranger's house when a guy said to me, "Do you wanna take this outside?"
And I did, because I'm a removal man.
"I make the rules in this house, son. You're going to have to listen to me for the rest of your life."
"You mean for the rest of your life, dad."
This happened at a recent Easter party at my wife’s colleague’s house:
It was a party mostly with parents and their children.
A kid (about 5 years old) stubbed his toe and started crying.
One of the dads said, “Oh, you stubbed your toe? Want to to call the toe truck?”
I know it’s not fresh, but I laughed my ass off and was slightly bitter that I didn’t think of it.
I was being shown around a house. "What are the dimensions of this room?" I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
10/10 would join this house.
Finally caught this mouse in my house *bleep, blop* (xpost from r/totallynotrobots)
I drove my wife to a colonoscopy this morning. As we were leaving the house I told her…
Ok..... get your ass in the car and let’s get this shit show on the road!
This happens every time I look at a house
My daughter just told me this one. "What do you call a cat that owns a house?"
This guy really brought down the house
Wife may not let me in the house for this one...
I went over to my dad's house this morning for breakfast. With a worried look, I turned to him and said, "Dad, did you know there's mold in your fridge?"
He came over and saw this. I honestly don't know why he wasn't prepared for that.
This road by my house. Not sure if there are any tuffets to sit on.
imgur.com/BbEOoQJ
I could really see myself in this house.
I announced to my family, "Certain people in this house have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves..."
"...but I don't like to point fingers."
This was for my HP superfan son: Where do students in Slytherin House get their school supplies?
This guy with OCD hosted a massive house party.
While at a beach house for Thanksgiving my dad pulled this one off.
My dad's chair kept lowering on its own, and he said to my Aunt "Now I know what it's like to be you" Then we started listing advantages of being short. He said you could goto movies for a child ticket. she replies "I used to"
He said "I used to be able to too"
"Really?"
"Yeah, back when I was a kid"
My 3 year old son got the daycare lady with this one the other day while talking about spending the weekend with my parents at their lake house.
Daycare Lady: "does your Grandpa have a house on the lake?"
Son (with a serious face): "no his house is on the grass."
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom's house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs?
Me: stairs don’t talk
Me: and this is my house My friends: what's upstairs?? Me: stairs don't talk....
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