Is there some deeper pun here? I don't get it LOL
I asked a caveman "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"
A man is brought to the hospital with a mortal wound. The medical staff believes there is no way to help him and he will die. The head doctor walks in and says I will take care of this. He takes a clock off the wall and rubs it on the injured man, the man is HEALED.
The nurse says: AMAZING! how did you know that would work!?
The head doctor says: “It’s simple really… Time heals all wounds.”
To my wife with the kids in the back seat as we drove away from MIL: "Your mom's wild flowers from the spring have all bloomed and it looks like there's only one is left."
"I guess the lone hydrangea is all that remains."
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
Why is it that nobody who lives within ten miles of Wisconsin's Forest Home Cemetery is allowed to be buried there?
Because they're all still alive!!
There were two muffins in an oven, and one says to the other “is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?” Then the second one says-
“AAAH! TALKING MUFFIN!!!”
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
When there is a strong gust, I often let it take the wheel and steer...
What do you call it when there is nothing on your math homework?
It's Prime Day! Is there anything you favor?
Today I insisted that my son had a hole in his shoe. He didn't believe me and kept looking and looking, took it off and inspect it. He yelled "There is no hole in there at all!"
So I yelled back "Then how did your foot get in there!"
My 6 year old daughter set up a party and led me to the registration sheet. It said "Sine here". Now I am wondering if there is another sheet that says "Cosine there".
Sorry for going on a tangent
Since this is a “Nana” tree (common name for Juniperus Procumens Green Mountain Juniper bonsai), it was suggested I have a “ba”. Therefore, since the stock ticker for Boeing is BA, I bought a toy 787. That means there is now a “banana” on the counter.
There are 20 crows standing in a row. One of them is coughing. Which one is it?
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed “angle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess I’m just too square to try angle.
Dad: If there is some of it, then it's good. If it is ful of it, it's bad. What's the thing?
Me in my new underwear: I don't know....
Dad: Awe.
I mean normally the customer service at the chip shop is fine. But when there's huge lines and only a few teens working there? Then it's...
Do you know there’s a flagpole which is 171m tall in Saudi Arabia? I can’t wrap my head around it.
I mean seriously, my arms are not long enough. Let alone my head.
There's not just leap years. A leap second is a one-second adjustment that is occasionally applied to Coordinated Universal Time (UTC)! Without it, GPS wouldn't work! Want me to really blow your mind?
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.
To summarize:
He's never gonna give you Up
Never gonna lend you Down
Never gonna run around, and dessert you.
There is a very common and seamingly innocuous plant. But if you sit under it for 5 minutes, you’re dead.
Why is there a L in Noel if it is Noel?
*sorry if it's been posted before
Beelieve me or not there is a small ball of pollen in the beehind legs of the bees and they also have the abeelity to eat it
There is a new autopsy club in town and last night it was packed.
There is a punk-metal band called Pangea what is it called when the band breaks up?
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there's no canaries? It's the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
It is a crude world out there, it is very tiresome business
hi people who sort by new, how is it there?
Birds descended from dinosaurs, and yet what is the most recognizable bird to a 5 year old? A dinosaur Chicken Nugget! There is a joke in there somewhere I need someone to tell it!
I know there is a joke in there somewhere, Now I just need someone to tell it to me
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?
Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.
There really isn’t a pun for lethal injections, I mean if you think about it, even if you do say anything, your life is still in vein...
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
1.Does God exist? 2. Is there all there is to it? 3.
I wouldn't say this is the greatest but it's up there. AskReddit post top answer, link in comments.
There is a lengthy article on Japanese sword fighters, but I can Samurais it for you
Overheard at the park: Little Girl- "Dad there's something in my shoe!" Dad- "Is it a foot?"
I got an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom, and to my COMPLETE surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
My friend bought a really expensive tie online, but there is a good chance it’s fake.
I think his ascot ripped off.
There was a rather large spider in the garden. I told my wife to guess how big it is.
I told her the (pretty good) guess was wrong, the spider is in fact 8 feet.
The wife tutted, the spider rolled all of his eyes and I walked away, feeling accomplished.
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