I heard Ian McKellan, Ian McDiarmid, and Ian Holm are teaming up to defend the Milky Way.
They’re calling themselves the Guard-Ians of the Galaxy.
I boughta broken radio for a dollar that had the volume stuck all the way up!
I stumbled/fell on my way up the stairs today.
Girlfriends reaction "OMG did you hurt yourself?"
"No, but I felt the gravity of the situation"
Her response was attempted murder by trying to push me down the stairs
What did the audiologist say after turning up the sound all the way.
What's the best way to clean up fake shit?
At the company picnic, my co-worker said he had some juicy gossip. He loaded up his plate but tripped on the way to my table...
Did you hear about the man who invented a more efficient way to set up the high jump and pole vault?
Girlfriend, my dog and I went hiking today and on the way up the mountain there was a big bee buzzing around my head.
So I said “Bee-gone” and my girlfriend shook her head. Best feeling ever.
I called my wife and asked her if I should pick up Fish and chips on the way home from work and she hung up.....
She's still angry she let me name the kids
I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
I was in an elevator with my wife when a couple entered with their kids. I went out of my way to ask what floor they were going up to so I could push the button for them.
I wanted to prove to my wife that I was serious about raising a family.
My wife asked me the best way to heat up her leftovers
I told her to put some hot sauce on it.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
Even though he had an extreme fear of heights, why did the butcher resolve to climb all the way up the ladder?
The steaks were too high.
In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...
Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.
The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.
Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, “Darling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"
The store had a TV on sale super cheap, but the volume was stuck all the way up.
I went to a garage sale and saw a radio for 1$ that had its volume stuck all the way up.
So I said "I guess I can't turn that down!"
So I messed up my chemistry lab the other day and had way to much O2 as a byproduct
But to be honest, it was a breath of fresh air.
There were a couple of miners make their way to SF. They set up camp for the night underneath a giant half dome. One of the miners was going to make coffee. He ask if anyone else wanted something to drink
Someone yelled back from the other side of camp. “YO SEND ME TEA.!”
My mother asked me to pick up chocolate coins for the kids on the way to her Hanukkah party. When the store on my route didn't have any and I showed up with regular chocolate, she started crying and begged me to go back out to a different store.
I yelled, "No mom! I'm so sick of your gelt trips!"
My wife asked me to pick up some naan on the way home from work today
When I got home I told her I was exhausted from all the naan stop grocery errands she sent me on
I'm giving away a brand new television. Problem is, volume is all the way up and can't be changed.
"Can't turn that down."
(Stolen from Gus Johnson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-w0h3g07aE )
Came up with this one while watching The X Files: how did the tiger make it all the way across town without being spotted?
It was easy because tigers are striped. I'm so sorry...
I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way home from work. She didn not respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way home from work. But I was met with a stony silence.
I think she still regrets letting me name the kids.
I texted my wife that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. She didn’t respond.
I think she regrets letting me name our kids.
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