Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?

It’s a non-prophet organization.

πŸ‘︎ 136
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/walrusgumbel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...

The were The Ruff Riders.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad and I used to volunteer to "socialize" with the friendly cats at the animal shelter

"I like my cats how I like my women: desperate and incarcerated"

Edit: I told my dad I posted this here. He's happy about the upvotes but also mad because "MY JOKES ARE FUNNY, GOD DAMMIT"

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eggmarie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
🚨︎ report
Craig David has volunteered to help out at the next Olympics, he has been assigned to Archery...

He said β€œHe’s delighted to be the bo selecta”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m worried about volunteering to help my uncle at work tomorrow at the coroner’s office

It’s a pretty big undertaking

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Axnjxn_55
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A bit nervous, but yesterday I volunteered for the COVID-19 vaccine trials.

The vaccine is one that was created in Russia. I received my first shot this morning at 7:00 am, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshΞΊΞΉ Ο‡oρoshό я Ρ‡ΡƒΠ²ΡΡ‚Π²ΡƒΡŽ сСбя Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ странно ΠΈ я Π΄ΡƒΠΌΠ°ΡŽ, Ρ‡Ρ‚ΠΎ Π²Ρ‹Ρ‚Π°Ρ‰ΠΈΠ» ослиныС ΡƒΡˆΠΈ.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pot8toes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to push you around, yeah I will. I want to push you down, yeah I will. I want to take you for granite, yeah yeah yeah...

Rob Thomas volunteers to help the wheel chair bound elderly remodel their kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_LumberZack_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Once I had children of my own, I could finally see why my father always volunteered to go to the store.

I just wish he would come back now.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cfox1B
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
At the Olympic 100 meter dash, they had no tape for the end, so a bunch of people from Finland volunteered to stand at the end in place of the tape. It was a Finnish line.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotSuspicious_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Patrick Roy, perhaps the best goaltender of all time, was having a family reunion.

Being a wealthy celebrity, he'd volunteered to hold the proceedings at his home. The spread was excellent and Pat's father drew him aside as things were winding down.

"I have a feeling your team is going to do great this year!"

"Why's that Dad?"

"I feel like God can't help but root for a man who's a father, a son and a goalie-host."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrobeOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently went to a joke bar with a couple of friends...

Persons volunteer to tell jokes and whoever laughs has to pay $5. Since my friends and I were all lovers of quality humor, we accepted this challenge.

The guy proceeds to tell his joke and I've never laughed so hard in my life, my friends had tears in their eyes as well, from this clever witty joke.

We all proceed to grab our cash and pay him to which he replied:

"Don't worry about it guys, the joke's on me"

I gave him my wallet.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaynesky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife thinks I am nuts!

So my daughter is in Girl Scouts. Everybody knows that the Girl Scouts sell cookies, but they also sell chocolates, nuts, and other snack food. Since we have only one car and a large garage we usually volunteer as a cupboard. Basically we get a few pallets of stuff and the area troops pick up from our place.

Me: [stopping mid pulling into the garage] What is that?!

Wife: [concerned] What is it?

Me: [shaking my head] That is nuts!

Wife: [eyes roll] Really?

Me: [laughing uncontrollably]

My son didn’t laugh either.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
There's no reason to transfigure this pun!

Professor- Ok Class, I am your professor, McGonagall, and today I will be teaching you about the transfiguration spell, Now do any of you actually know of the spell?

(silence)

Professor- Well then, I'll just have to Show you.. now, the hand movements are precisely like... this(hand movement)!Now any volunteers.?

Me- Raises hand

Professor -Ok then, your task is to turn this bear into a.... Clock!

Me-Oh no! I can't Bear to watch!!!!!!!!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DonnAwesome
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Got rekt by my Political Science Professor

lecture about US political culture

Prof: You guys like magic

Class: Yeah!

Prof: Okay I need a volunteer

I raised my hand so he picked me

Prof: Okay pull out a dollar bill and point out the wings of the bald eagle

I do

Prof: Okay I want you to fold the bill 3 times long ways then hand it to me

i fold it then hand it to him

Prof: You can still see the wings right? okay I am now going to fold it sideways into 3rds then I want you to hold out 3 fingers with your palm up

he places the folded bill onto my fingers with the center third flat on my hand

Prof: now say wing 3 times

Me: Wing wing wing

prof picks up the bill and holds it up to his ear

Prof: Hello?? This is Professor Frank, who is this?

The whole class couldn't stop laughing for like 10 minutes xD

πŸ‘︎ 883
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SN1P3RJOE
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Tree joke

I was volunteering at a tree-identification event at a local park with about 15 people from work when I chimed in on the following exchange.

Leader: Alright, we've identified a couple of types of maplewood. Can anyone tell me what kind of tree THIS is? (points to a tree)

Someone: is it... it's a Dogwood?

Leader: Very good! Can anyone tell us how we know that it's a Dogwood?

Me: Because of its... bark.

Everyone: groans into laughter

I took a bow (or bough).

πŸ‘︎ 234
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lucifurnace
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the restaurant supply truck spill?

A truck delivering frozen restaurant foodstuffs had a major spill on the highway. Since it was early morning and the authorities wanted to avoid a melty mess, they sought volunteers to spread evenly along the ditch picking up frozen mozzarella sticks. It was a cheesy pickup line.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TangoKiloBandit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Volunteered at a bike shop today

This bike shop takes in old bicycles, repairs them, and sells them for an incredibly low price. I volunteer there pretty frequently mostly because I want to learn about bike maintenance.

Another volunteer and I were working on evaluating a bike to see if it was alright to sell. We were both trying to get the tires off the rims.

"Fuck, this tire is not coming off!"

"Yeah, it's being really tiresome."

He looked at me, shook his head, gave a slight groan, and started to laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Emperor_of_Cats
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
🚨︎ report
A king is building an army

King: how many volunteers do we have for the army?

Squire: 384 my liege

King: ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lobsman12
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Need some creative help for making a t-shirt for a school group.

Using this image, can you give me a good catch phrase that is punny using around 7 letters or fewer, and having something to do with taxes, finance, helping people. The t-shirt is for a volunteer group at a law school that helps indigent people file taxes and participates in community education and advocacy in the area of financial literacy.

Thanks for all of your help!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beef_creature
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2013
🚨︎ report
My son just graduated

My 11yo son just attended his first debating class yesterday. At one point, the teacher asked for volunteers to be chair. After the volunteer gets up my son raises his hand, points back to the chair the volunteer got up from and says: I think he may be better qualified than you.

Dead silence.

I'm so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Last field trip my dad went on!

My sister took my dad on a field trip. He was reading a list of parent volunteers and saw another dad was called Mr. Pickle. So of course he says, 'Wow, he must be a really big pickle!' The kids just stared at him and Mr. Pickle was behind him, very tall and giving him a scary look. My dad mumbles, '-it's for the kids.' This is why my sister doesn't take our parents on field trips.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JamJamKyogre
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Lowe's: A place for dads

At Lowe's volunteering my truck to move some lumber that a friend is using to make his girlfriend shelves. He and I are standing with the boards, distracting her kids while she settles up at the counter. Among the continuous babble from her youngest was "I'm thirsty." Simultaneously from three directions around him, my friend and I and a passing Lowe's employee:

"Hi thirsty, I'm Mike!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Dave!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Neil!"

We all shared a moment while mom shot us the most exhausted and disappointed look I've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BubbaFeets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad at the zoo

My father volunteers at the zoo in Phoenix and so when we visit he loves to give us tours and lots of information about the animals we see.

We were walking by the coati exhibit and he was noting that coati can turn their feet backwards in order to more easily walk down trees. He then turned to my son and said, "their feet kind of look like bear feet, don't they?"

"Yeah," my son answered.

Dad then asked, "do you know why?"

My son was really interested and asked, "why?"

Completely deadpan, my father looked at him and said, "because they don't have any shoes on."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElkanahLinnell
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Adult diapers

My mom was giving me grief about how she used to change my diapers and stuff, to which I replied 'watch it, I'll be changing yours in a few years'

Dad (from the next room): glad to hear you volunteer to to that. It's a real... load...off my back.

Me: that's a pretty... dumpy ...way to treat your son.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahifuck
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2014
🚨︎ report
My daughter gets Dad Joked every week at school

She's in 2nd grade and every Friday (pizza day) her teachers Dad comes in to volunteer. He stops by her class and has this exchange:

Dad: Hey kids, I brought you all pizza!

Kids cheering: Where is it?

Dad: The cafeteria!

They all groan and walk off to wait in line for lunch, thinking they were going to have a pizza party. They fall for this every week.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HamiltonFAI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Overheard this dad joke in the cafeteria

I was sitting in the cafeteria for lunch yesterday and chatting with my fellow volunteers when one of them pulls out one of those shaker bottles that people mix up protein powder in. Hers just had water in it, but she hadn't taken out the metal shaker.

Without skipping a beat, the man on my left perks up and says, "Wow, that's some fancy spring water you've got there!"

Cue the groans.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chaiyaprovo
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2015
🚨︎ report
I may be ready to be a dad

I volunteer with Jr. High kids and Highschoolers on Wednesday nights. This week we decided to play some indoor soccer, so we took out the soccer nets that we had stored. I see them and walk over to a group of volunteer girls and ask, "Hey, do you want to see our organization's goals?" while pointing at the soccer nets. They all groaned while I walked away laughing and proud of my joke.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uldyr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Mom won Mother's Day at the expense of the church organist

Sitting in the backyard on a beautiful Mother's Day evening, the topic turned to our church organist who is absolutely awful and serves as the source of much pain and humor for my family.

Dad: After all these years you would think he would be able to play at least one song without a mistake.

Mom: In his defense, the pay is almost nonexistent. It's basically volunteer. So his heart is in the right place. pause His fingers just aren't!

Belly laughs all around. She was bright red laughing at her own joke. Well deserved.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pantsthemusical
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
🚨︎ report
I got both my parents with one today!

We were out in their patio, and my dad points to a small stray tomato plant, that somehow sprouted up a few feet from the large group of tomato plants they have.

Dad: "What should we do about that volunteer tomato plant?" Me: "Maybe you should start paying it!"

Commence my laughter, and my dad groaning, and my mom ignoring me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CaitlinsRoses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Spit this gem out on accident

I needed my shirt ironed and my sister volunteered to help. For some reason we were saying "iron" and "ironing" as "earn" and "earning". Accent jokes, ha. The following ensued:

Me: "Hey Thanks again for earning my shirt"

Sis: "No big deal, it's easy really"

Me: "Yeah. Do you want this pop tart?"

lifts pop tart

Sis: "Really? Sure."

Me: "You earned it."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sgt_Pepper522
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2015
🚨︎ report
ducks

My class just got some 2-month old ducklings and I volunteered to duck-sit this past weekend. As we are loading them into the car, Dad over-dramatically sniffs the cage and says "Man, there is a reason they are called fowl"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoglolly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
🚨︎ report
Just dad joked my dear mom

We were in the kitchen talking about musicians who served in World War 2 and Glenn Miller was brought up and how he served in the airforce. She finished her point by saying:

Mom:"A lot of musicians in that era volunteered to serve over seas."

Me:"Yea you'd think Glenn Miller would have wanted to stay at home but I guess he was in the mood."

She threw a piece of bread at me and banished me from the kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drfunkenstien014
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2014
🚨︎ report
I think my friend secretly wants to be a dad.

I was volunteering at a soup kitchen with a friend of mine when she randomly started asking about the zoo being open.

Me: I think they're open, they usually always are.
Her: I've really been wanting to visit, do you want to go?
Me: Today?
Her: No to the zoo.

She then proceeded to laugh for five minutes straight.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PacoDuh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
🚨︎ report
This week I volunteered for the Russian developed Covid-19 vaccine...

I received my first shot yesterday at 4:00 pm, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshΞΊΞΉ Ο‡oρoshό я Ρ‡ΡƒΠ²ΡΡ‚Π²ΡƒΡŽ сСбя Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ странно ΠΈ я Π΄ΡƒΠΌΠ°ΡŽ, Ρ‡Ρ‚ΠΎ Π²Ρ‹Ρ‚Π°Ρ‰ΠΈΠ» ослиныС ΡƒΡˆΠΈ.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.