Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
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︎ Apr 01 2021
The all vegetable circus came to town yesterday.
I hear their clown act is corny.
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︎ Apr 05 2021
A new restaurant opened in my town called The Moon
The food is terrific but there's no atmosphere.
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︎ Apr 30 2021
My son asked me where the tallest building in town was...
I said, "Its the library! It has thousands of stories!"
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︎ Mar 05 2021
I learned something new about cemeteries; the people in its town aren't the ones being buried there. Do you know why?
It's because they're still alive.
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︎ Apr 03 2021
Three of the Teletubbies went shopping at the most expensive department store in town.
The fourth couldnβt afford to because she was Po.
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︎ Mar 08 2021
The folks who live in my town arenβt allowed to be buried in the old cemetery on the edge of town.
Mostly because theyβre not dead yet.
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︎ Jan 30 2021
There's a gang going through the shops in our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order.
The Police believe theyβre still at large.
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︎ Feb 17 2021
My town just set the record for the longest line fighting each other
You could see the punch line coming from a mile away
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︎ Feb 18 2021
The graveyard near my town is really crowded...
People are just dying to get in
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︎ Jan 07 2021
The car dealership in my town just doubled its size.
Now it can offer a whole lot more.
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︎ Jan 03 2021
A thief in a small town stole all the toilets...
Police issued a statement saying they had 'nothing to go on'
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︎ Dec 12 2020
1986, The Chernobyl reactor exploded, releasing a bright, radioactive beam into the sky. People in towns away stared at it in awe.
They must've thought that it was pretty rad
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︎ Jan 15 2021
The new funeral home in town will not let me view my loved ones before their burial, sadly.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Did you hear about the locksmith convention coming to town?
I hear they've got the keynote speaker locked up.
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︎ Dec 06 2020
My town throws a festival for the salmon spawn each year. This is what they call companies that contribute a significant amount of money.
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︎ Sep 30 2020
All the Indian bakeries in my town shut down because of Covid.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
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︎ Oct 08 2020
The ad said the Hulk is coming to town.
I read it on the Bruce Banner.
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︎ Dec 11 2020
I found myself bereft at the chaos that run through the winding streets of China town. The horror
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︎ Dec 03 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
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︎ Dec 02 2020
My friend knows just who he can trust in the seedy part of town to get him safe candy and sweets...
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︎ Oct 16 2020
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
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︎ Jul 28 2019
I bought myself a Mini Cooper and painted the letter "S" all over it. When I drive around town...
everyone says look at that little "S" car go!
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︎ Sep 25 2020
Which town got built the fastest?
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︎ Oct 13 2020
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. Iβm a pretty liberal guy but if Iβm having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
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︎ May 07 2019
I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"
"No" he said, "It kills them"
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︎ Sep 24 2020
Apparently someone in my town has been stealing the wheels off police cars
Theyβve been working tirelessly to find him
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︎ Apr 23 2020
The guy running my town is awful. He doesnβt respond to phone calls because he only works after dark.
Heβs a total night mayor.
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︎ Jun 27 2020
I work with a small town search and rescue. We recently had a guy visiting from the big city to do some kayaking on the river.
He doesn't know the area and gets himself lost. All he does know is that there are a lot of grizzly bears roaming around during the salmon spawn this time of year, so he's quite afraid to get out of his kayak.
The temperature starts to drop. He needs to stay warm, and decides to build a fire inside his little boat on the river.
He learnt a valuable lesson that night: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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︎ Aug 17 2020
All the chairs in my town were stolen
And the people canβt stand it.
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︎ Jun 27 2020
A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,
βI must have taken Lief off my censusβ.
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︎ Jul 26 2020
Custom made Exit signs are all the rage nowadays in my town.
But I think they are on the way out.
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︎ Jul 13 2020
The town Iβm from just completed dredging a new river thatβs going to make travel a lot easier. Theyβre having a feast to celebrate! Itβs going to be called...
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︎ Jul 14 2020
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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︎ Oct 12 2019
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovahβs Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
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︎ Sep 03 2018
Due to the lockdown, there is a huge shortage of maternity ward staff in my town.
Itβs a mid-wife crisis.
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︎ Jun 26 2020
A judge is hearing a case. 'The people V. United Parcel Service' and determines that the trucks area nuisance and a danger to the town. He decides to ban all their trucks from the town and calls his ruling:
'UPS Truck Shun of Justice'
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︎ Apr 22 2020
In the old Wild West there was a notorious gang of dangerous outlaws, theyβd just attacked a town.
The sheriff decided that he needed to stop them so he rounded up his deputies and they rode out in search of the gang.
After a couple of days everyone was tired and hungry so one of the deputies rode up to sheriff and said βLook sheriff we are all too tired, why donβt you guys rest up here and Iβll ride 4 miles north and two miles east and see if I canβt find us some grub?, Iβll be back by morningβ
The sheriff agrees and off the deputy rides 4 miles north and two miles east.
The next morning the deputy returns with all his packs full of bacon! The sheriff says βwhere the hell did you get all that bacon out here in the middle of nowhere!β
Deputy says βwell you see sheriff I rode 4 miles north and 2 miles east and I swear to god thereβs this bacon tree just sitting there! A tree that is full of bacon!β
βBullshit!β Says the sheriff βyou stay here Iβm going to check this out!β
So off the sheriff rides the same as the deputy did.
The next morning the deputy seeβs the sheriff crawling towards the camp with arrows sticking out of his back.
Deputy says to the sheriff β Boss what the hell happened!β
The sheriff looks up from the ground and says βBACON TREE, BACON TREE, that wasnβt a damn bacon tree you idiot it was a Hambush!β
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︎ Jun 02 2020
What the name of the best wine shop in town?
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︎ Jan 23 2020
Some people in my town were protesting by transplanting the courthouse lawn...
It was a grassroots movement.
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︎ May 10 2020
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
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︎ Jul 26 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
π︎ 20
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︎ Sep 22 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 19 2020
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
π︎ 3
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︎ Jun 04 2020
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