Sherlock and Watson arrived on the scene of a murder and the only clue was a measuring tape pulled out to exactly 12 inches.

Apparently something was afoot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kesavadh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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Duct tape is like the Force.

It has a dark side and a light side, and it holds the universe together.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BethJ2018
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caruano95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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The truth about duck tape
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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What does the creator of flex tape run in?

Flex shoes; they make him go Phil Swift!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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Just got the Father-in-law with this one... Me: At Disney World parades they keep people in line with masking tape on the ground.

Father-in-Law: And do people actually adhere to it? Me: No, cuz they put it sticky side down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
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My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/modestmolerat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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My Dad asked for help with measuring but kept letting go of the other end of the tape measure

He was measuring my patience

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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I asked the librarian if they had any books on tape...

She brought me a book about the 3M company.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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I told the bartender to surprise me with a drink. He pulled out ice and tape. I asked him what he was making.

He said β€œScotch on the Rocks”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ekhypebeast02
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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The thing about perforated tape..

Its tear-able.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rainbow_Drag
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2017
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At the Olympic 100 meter dash, they had no tape for the end, so a bunch of people from Finland volunteered to stand at the end in place of the tape. It was a Finnish line.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotSuspicious_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
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True Story: We had some audio cassettes in the music classroom. I asked the kids how long the tape is inside a 60-minute audio cassette. Some of them thought 300 feet. Others thought 150 feet.

I told them it was one hour long.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jtnichol
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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The police once got a call about a man stuck between a tape factory and a super glue store...

Let’s just say when they arrived at the scene, the man was in a pretty sticky situation.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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We grew up SO POOR I drank Nurse Pepper...

...she was an LPN.

We had a Don't Bother Checking account.

My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.

Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.

For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.

My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").

We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."

We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.

My pillow only had one side.

Repossession was 9/10 of the law.

Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.

Our scotch tape was scots-irish.

(I'm allowed)

My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.

One year Santa had to bring stockings.

The next year he filled them with nooses.

I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.

Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_YOUR_BLOOMERS
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
After the TV-show-taping we were instructed to leave our seat only when the Page called us...

I told him: "you're alright in my book!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/countgeorge
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
🚨︎ report
From the archives: back when people taped TV shows

My brother: "I thought you might get bored being at home, so I taped you some holiday soaps".

He handed me a santa- and pine-tree-shaped hand soap, taped together.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/recursive
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2015
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From my 7yo: β€œWhat is stronger than tape?”

β€œMore tape.”

When we last met he was but the student now he is the master.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/not_a_turtle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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My pregnant wife and I are preparing for a move to a new city and she has been taping up boxes and placing them on the floor around my desk.

I told her that she is really boxing me in. Can't wait until these dad jokes become official.

http://i.imgur.com/np9XSde.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/voncasec
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Why did the pigeon cross the road?

He was duck-taped to the chicken.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyBucanneer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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The other night, I asked my dad how far away are we from dinner?

My brother pulled out some measuring tape, asked me to hold one end as he held the other end and walked towards the oven.

".... about 12 feet."

πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„ bro is basically a certified dad now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Three clowns measuring a pole

There were three clowns; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repositioned to pick up another pole.

This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn’t measure the poles while they were laying on the ground?

The clowns replied, β€œwe need to know how tall the poles are, not how long!"

source: http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/three-clowns-measuring-a-pole/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œMay I have your finest scotch please?”, I asked the guy behind the counter.

β€œIt’s just a roll of tape, sir,” said the cashier at Staples.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2018
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My wife's making cookies right now.

I'm really proud of this one.

I'm at my desk while my wife's baking cookies in the kitchen, just around the corner. I heard a metallic snapping sound followed shortly by an β€œOh no!”, so I called out:

> "What's wrong?"

> β€œI broke my whisk!”

> "Oh, that sucks."

> β€œIt was my favorite one!”

See it coming yet?

> "Well, then that's a whisk we're just gonna have to tape."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2014
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You're under arrest!

My boss' 7 year old daughter came to work and ran up to me with this one:

"You're under arrest!" "For what?! You have no proof!" thinks to herself before running to get box packing tape "I have the security tape right here!"

πŸ‘

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetroPolitan23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...

Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bballcj2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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They're lots of options when buying tape and duct tape gets a lot of recognition but i've

Always found transparent tape to be the clear winner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/josefransisco
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
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I needed some really strong tape, and I found some. I was disappointed when I found it could be torn.

The tape was tearable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nonuntitled
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Just happened at work.

Coworker was cutting slots into foam for different tools in the toolbox shelves. He was almost done when he realized he forgot the tape measure. When he went to find a place for it, he said it looks like it would be a tight fit. I looked at him and said "looks like you need to remeasure".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jwardell42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
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Buying a new hat

The online site said wrap tape around head to measure.

Simple enough but I couldn't get the tape off afterwards without pulling my hair out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trixalator
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.


Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.


If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.


In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.


Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.


An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks β€œmay I join you?”


Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.


I named my hard drive β€œdat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to β€˜back dat ass up’.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


I changed my password to β€œincorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say β€œYour password is incorrect”.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.


I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.


A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
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My daughter is leaving for college tomorrow…

I was helping my daughter pack her car today, getting ready to leave tomorrow morning. She had a set of plastic stacking drawers wedged into her car, but in getting it there, it had come apart some, so we had to take it out to tape it together better. There was a black plastic bag leaning against it, and in all the wriggling, the drawers tore a small hole in the plastic bag. After taping the drawers, I noticed a small piece of the black plastic stuck to the drawers. I took it off and tried to give it to my daughter, saying, "Here's your hole," but of course she didn't want it, so I put it (you see this coming already, don't you?) in my pocket, and said, "Now I have a hole in my pocket." Her eye-roll was hilarious.

(Does anyone else remember a similar bit from the "Yellow Submarine" movie?)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlmostDisjoint
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
🚨︎ report
According to my wife the real dad joke is:

Me being send to the hardware store for $5 worth of tape and returning with $100 worth of tools (Not taking the tape, of course...)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b8410
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad joked someone so hard they actually walked away from me today..

Executive Assistant comes over. Says, "oh, no! You don't have a Halloween costume! We should make you something here,"

I panicked a bit and looked around the office, thinking what could make an impromptu costume: pens...tape...notepads...books...books!

I turned to her and said, "well, I could tape a book to my face and be Facebook." She stopped a beat, patted my arm, and walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darude__Dude
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
🚨︎ report
my dad's christmas present

So my dad just got his concealed weapons permit recently so for Christmas my step mom got him a new pistol. Since she didn't want to wrap a handgun, she printed out a flyer from Cabela's and taped it to a stray dumbbell weight to disguise it and wrapped them up in a small box.

When my dad opens the box, without missing a beat he coolly says, "Oh, look! A new pistol with the mandatory waiting period...."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glevino
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
🚨︎ report
A real bad one to use in the workplace

I was helping a colleague measure something on the workshop floor with a tape measure. I held the end and he walked away with the reel. He got to the end and I looked down at the tape and said "It's zero."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JP147
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Was cooking dinner with the fiance the other night and sent her into a giggle fit

She had come home with a bag of groceries and in it was a bunch of broccoli tied together with some yellow rubber tape. It kind of looked like a crime scene when she laid it on the counter. So I asked her, "Did you hear from the eyewitness that saw this broccoli murder?" She said No. So I say, "One guy saw two other broccoli gangsters roll up and shoot the guy. Then they both jumped in their car and the gangster told his driver to floret

So bad, but it got her good.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themanimal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
🚨︎ report
The other night, I asked my dad how far away are we from dinner?

My brother pulled out some measuring tape, asked me to hold one end as he held the other end and walked towards the oven.

".... about 12 feet."

πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„ bro is basically a certified dad now

πŸ‘︎ 421
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clairentine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report

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