The stakes are high people.
πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The stakes were really raised when I welcomed a vampire into my house.

that's it. that's the whole joke

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Beastlance
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are the stakes so high?

Because the cows ate a lot of grass.

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VakiReddit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Max Sweet and Eliza Stakes are robbing a bank when suddenly the lights come on

Max turns and says, " Miss Stakes, we're made"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oupablo
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
"Cheer up, you could be a replacement stake in the ground for barbed wire to stretch upon," said one new joke to another.

"Yeah, I guess I could be a repost," said the other new joke.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Priests that molest kids should be burned at the stake.

A bon-friar, if you will

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kindofaniceguy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A large wooden stake in the ground

(This post has been removed because it might cause a fence.)

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PoorKidstoys
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
The stakes are so high.
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ranzear
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
"Who can flip the most burgers?" is a game of high stakes
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you do when the stakes are high?

Grab a ladder and a grill.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BatManSaidSo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
🚨︎ report
A detective is staking out the entrance of a romantic restaurant..

...and after a few hours of not seeing the criminals he's looking for he gets hungry. He calls his partner to fill in for five minutes while he grabs some dinner and tells him to "take a picture of every single person that walks through the door." The partner waits for the detective to return and when he does the detective asks to see the photos that he took. The partner replies "I didn't see any single people, I saw a lot of couples though."

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nmclamb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
🚨︎ report
I left my vampire killing kit in the elevator...

The stakes have never been higher

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard a country finally has a Corona vaccine...

I think they’re Russian it. The leader vaccinated his daughter, I guess he’s Putin her life at stake.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chaoticpix93
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister-in-law accidentally won a beauty pageant for vampire hunters

She's the new Miss Stake.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WideEyedWand3rer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the government arrest a rancher who fed cannabis to his cattle?

The stakes were too high.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_grand
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What should you do if you accidentally stab a cow?

Remove the stake.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrimeMvr
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the cops mix slabs of sirloin into their suspect's marijuana cigarette?

They were staking out the joint.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boganic-alcoholic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar and sees a steak hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender, "Why is there a piece of steak hanging from the ceiling?

The bartender replies, "If somebody jumps and manages to hit the steak, all drinks will be free for the entire night. However, if somebody tries and misses, they will have to buy drinks for everybody else for the entire night. Would you like to try?"

The man thinks about it and replies, "No thanks, the stakes are too high."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/generatedmax
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I stopped eating steak

because my doctor said that the stakes were too high

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Connorrrrrrrrrrr
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to the camping supply store and was going to buy a tent but the pegs were on the top shelf...

The stakes were too high.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked β€œwhat’s wrong?”

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, β€œyou can talk?”

β€œYes” the well said, β€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”

β€œAlas” the woman said, β€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”

β€œDo not be afraid” the well said, β€œI will take care of this.”

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ManGood2002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
One-line vampire jokes for Halloween

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?

Lots of blood tests!

Why did Dracula’s mother give him cough medicine?

Because he was having a coffin fit.

Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn?

It was a stake sandwich.

Dracula decided he needed a dog, which breed did he choose?

A bloodhound.

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving.

What did the vampire say to the Invisible Man?

β€˜Long time, no see!’

Why is Dracula so unpopular?

Because he’s a pain in the neck!

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/one-line-vampire-jokes-for-halloween/

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
The local butcher has closed.

He lost everything on poker after he raised the stakes.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Driconian
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Flying vampires are trying to take over the world.

The stakes are high.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tickytickytango
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
He's a dad too. He chuckled.

Co-worker was telling me about his experience through the storms this weekend and how high winds blew his tomatoes down even though they were staked up.

Me: So, what you're telling me is you got caught with your plants down.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobarhino
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the group of dwarves that attempted to rob a butchers?

They had to back out because the stakes were too high

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/senmcken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I ran out of poker chips so used dry fruits for playing instead.

People went nuts when they saw me raisin the stakes.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealisticFake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I knew the butchers looked different when I walked in earlier

As soon as I saw the differences, me stakes were made

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pee_Noot_Skoot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend dared me to put my cows on the top of the Burj Khalifa.

The stakes have never been higher.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ComicSerifPro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Being a vampire is risky business.....

You wooden believe the stakes.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/K0pa53t1k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the kids tip the stoned cows?

The stakes were too high.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vernal59
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Dinner with Dad

I take my steak blue rare. My mom takes her stake well done. After cooking the steaks my dad puts them on our plates at the dinner table. Without fail, I end up with a well done steak on my plate and my mom ends up with a blue rare steak on hers.

When my mom and I switch steaks, my dad proudly proclaims, "It appears I have made a miss-steak".

This happens once a month.

πŸ‘︎ 179
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kirutron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
🚨︎ report
Why can't vampires make difficult decisions over the phone?

There are huge stakes on the line.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mastershow05
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I've always made them but this one got me some good recognition

I have always made dad jokes, when my fiancΓ© got pregnant I was happy because I could get away with saying them now. I was at training for my new job the other day and we were booked in for lunch at a local steakhouse.

The trainer was asking us about stake holders in the company and she said who are our stake holders? To which I replied "I don't know but I will be a steak holder at lunch" the rest of the class then all moaned and let me know how I was such a dad except for the other dad in the class who joined me laughing hysterically!

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/girdles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Cleaning the tent

A few days ago I set the tent up outside to clean it out. Yesterday my son's friend noticed I had missed a tent peg and let me know. I looked at him and said, "I guess that was a big missed stake." He just rolled his eyes as I laughed!

Edit: how do you not know him?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MTMFDiver
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Why can't you run through a campsite? (Alternate ending)

Because the stakes are too high

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHolshi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the competition to find the tallest stick?

Because the stakes were pretty high.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/F0xdude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Gardening Dad Joke

Me and the hubby were doing some gardening and I said to him "we need a wood stake" (so we could stabilize a tomato plant) and he replied "first we gotta find a wooden cow"...good thing ur cute babe :)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ubermarie987
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2017
🚨︎ report
GF just Trump-Ed one on me

I made a dad joke about the stakes for the republican debate being pretty high... Obviously not Trump Steaks, that was a failed business of his, along with Trump Airlines. GF hits back, "Yeah I don't think that one ever got off the ground!" She even knew exactly what she was saying.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Falcopunt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2016
🚨︎ report
My son will make a great dad someday.

Wife and I were in the kitchen talking about these new steaks we've been getting from Farm Boy. She's worried we won't be able to find such good steaks when we move.

Teenage son walks in the room, "sounds like you guys are having a pretty high-stakes conversation."

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jesusporkchop
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Had to share this one

In a conversation about Louisiana barbecue ... GF: I take meat very seriously! Me: Is that because there's a lot at stake?

Very lucky to not get kicked out of the car then and there XD

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thesorehead
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Three for one at Denny's

Homeless regular at Denny's sits down next to me at the counter.

He says, "Hey, Judy, I'll have a streak and eggs."

Judy, a waitress of sixty-some years inquires, "Do you have enough money for it?"

The man says, "I'd stake my life on it."

Judy gets annoyed and demands to see it, to which the man responds, pulling out a ten dollar bill, "Un-eggs-pected, I know."

She said, "No tip again, huh?"

He shoots back, "C'mon! Meat me in the middle here!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Flipnotyk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
🚨︎ report
everything is closed on thanksgiving!

First off, I'm new here. I've only been a dad for a few years but, I'm not sure i'll ever be able to top this and the circumstances of the set up were so chance and specific, I will never be able to use this again. This is what inspired me to seek you out and tell my story.

So, like most thanksgivings, we went to a relatives house and had very large but unusually early dinner. We went home and by nine or ten o'clock we had the little one off to sleep and my wife and I were getting hungry and wanted something simple. She asked for fast food and I was willing to oblige.

I drove to Taco Bell and it was closed. I called my wife, "sorry Taco Bell is closed. What do you want from BK?". I then drove to BK and discovered it was also closed. Called the wife "Sorry honey, BK is closed. What do you want from McDonald's?". You might see were this is going and, if you haven't already guessed it, Micky D's was closed too."Ok, I'm just going to the gas station. What do you want?" She asked for cheddar fries and I was willing to oblige. Got in side, no cheddar fries! I grab her funyuns. She like funyuns, it will be fine. As a joke (not the one we are leading up to) I called her on my way home and told her the gas station was closed too.

I got home, told her the truth about the gas station and gave her the back up back up back up back up back up plan bag of funyuns. She joked around about the number of times I had failed her in one outing (keep in mind, I had been giving her a hard time through this whole event) and then asked me for a soda from the fridge. So is This when the magic happened. I was opening the fridge when the gravity of the situation and what was at stake here suddenly struck me. I closed the fridge, got out a glass and filled it with water. I brought it back to her in the living room. She says "why did you bring me water?"

THE FRIDGE WAS CLOSED!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/La_Guy_Person
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by a 6 year old camping...

While setting up the tent for a camping weekend with my 6 year old, he asks what I am doing. I say "I'm hammering in the stakes so the tent doesn't blow away"

With the biggest smirk I have ever seen on him, and lots of laughter, he replies with "I thought the steaks were for dinner tonight"

Very proud day.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lilbandit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2014
🚨︎ report
My friend got me at lunch.

My buddy and I went to get food after we cooled down from the gym. We went to chili's and I ordered a steak. The stake came out undercooked, but I prefer rarer steaks anyways.

As I was eating, I said, "This steak isn't that great." He replies with, "I guess it was a mis-steak," with a smile on his face. I replied with, "You get two more laps tomorrow for that. His response was, "I guess the steaks just keep getting higher." I shook my head in disgust and secret pride for him.

Sorry for format. I'm on mobile.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texas0324
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2015
🚨︎ report
Cheat sheet for Dads on Halloween

What is a Vampire favorite fruit?

  • Neckterines

What kind of dogs do Vampires like best?

  • Blood hounds

How does a ghost cry?

  • Boo Hoo

What does a skeleton always say before he eats?

  • Bone Appetite

What kind of key should you always take to a haunted house?

  • Skeleton Key

Why do Vampires need mouthwash?

  • Because they have bat breath

What kinds of street do Zombies like?

  • Dead ends.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

  • Frost Bite

What did the black cat call the mouse on roller skates?

  • Meals on wheels

What does a vampire never at a restaurant?

  • A stake sandwich

What is it like to be kissed by a vampire?

  • It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the witch stand in front of the podium?

  • To give a Screech

What does a ghosts have for dessert?

  • I-Scream

What is a skeletons favorite instrument?

  • A trombone

What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?

  • A Lab

Be honest, how many did you get? What is your dad score?

EDIT: can't get spoiler tags to work...

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gnolaum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.