A truck of Vicks vapor rub crashed on the highway...

Luckily there was no traffic congestion...

Humbly submitted, Dad

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bradb717
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin, to draw out excess moisture....

WOW....I'm cured.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Why did the kid rub herbs on his scraped knee?

Because his Dad told him thyme heals all wounds.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JPHarrison007
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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A truck carrying Vicks vapor rub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DalinarxBlackthorn
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.โ€
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ruchi565
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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I keep a little rug on the passenger seat. It keeps me company while Iโ€™m driving and I give it a rub from time to time.

Itโ€™s my car pet.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/procrastiprov
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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Some strippers rub me the wrong way.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DisRuptive1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mykeuk
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 11 2017
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You don't have to be a bad person to rub me the wrong way.

You just have to be a bad masseuse.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/spruce_sprucerton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2017
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My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure theyโ€™re the same..."

"Then youโ€™ll have a match."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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I stood, rubbing a piece of plywood that was leaning against the wall, waiting for someone to notice.

โ€œWhat are you doing, dad?โ€

I sigh a long, heavy sigh.

โ€œNot much, just feeling board.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mistermajik2000
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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I was going to study the art of treating the body by rubbing and kneading my wife's body to stimulate circulation...

But then I found out that would be massage-ony.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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My Eraser is broken.

It always rubs things the wrong way...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Vin135mm
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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A man lost his keys in the supermarket, so when he returned to his car, he just rubbed his ass against it

He was wearing khaki trousers

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anassis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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First time I plowed my garden, I noticed something shiny in one of the hunks of dirt. Upon rubbing it, I found the whole hunk of dirt was shiny on the inside! I repeated this on other hunks of dirt and each one was shiny on the inside! That made me realize...

Every clod has a silver lining.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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A women was getting petrol at a petrol station and spilt some on her arm.

She rubbed the petrol off and drove away. While on the road, she lit a cigarette and her arm caught on fire. Concerned, she started waving her arm out the side of the car.

Amongst all this, the police pulled her over. "What am I under arrest for?" The officer replied "for having a firearm"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ghost_Of_Memes_Past
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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My massage therapist got fired...

I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, Iโ€™m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genieโ€™s lamp and says to himself โ€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink Iโ€™ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!โ€

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genieโ€™s form becomes solid. It speaks, โ€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.โ€

The Irishmanโ€™s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts โ€œtree wishes?! Thatโ€™s just brilliant!โ€ For me first wish, Iโ€™ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.โ€

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. โ€œWell I tink weโ€™ll have to put this to the test!โ€ He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, โ€œAhhhhhhhh!!!โ€ And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping โ€œbulp!โ€, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. โ€œWELL Iโ€™LL BE! THATโ€™S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!โ€

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman โ€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?โ€

The Irishman looks to the genie and says โ€œoh tatโ€™s easy! Iโ€™ll have two more of these!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bbacconnn
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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A young boy finds a magic lamp

He rubs theย lamp, and a genieย appears and says,ย โ€œWhat is your firstย wish?โ€

The kid says, โ€œIย wish I were rich!โ€ย The genie replies,ย โ€œIt is done! What isย your second wish,ย Rich?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/chennai_buzzer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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My daughter asked why I shaved off my beard. "Mama does like it," I said then explained, "It rubbed her the wrong way."
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cruzinspeed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 29 2016
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are stranded on desert island.

Whilst gathering food, they find a magical golden lamp. The Englishman says โ€œrub the lamp!โ€ They do, and a genie appears. โ€œI only have three wishes to offer,โ€ he says, โ€œso Iโ€™ll give you one wish each.

The Englishman says, โ€œIโ€™d like to be living in a penthouse in London with ยฃ1,000,000 in my bank account.โ€ His wish is granted.

The Scotsman says โ€œIโ€™d love to live in a renovated Scottish castle with ยฃ2,000,000 in my bank account.โ€ His wish is granted.

The genie then turns to the Irishman: โ€œAnd what do you wish for?โ€ The Irishman says to the genie, โ€œItโ€™s getting a bit lonely here, can I have the other two back?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LTAD2108
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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How does a dog say thank you?

It rubs its butt on the grass. That way it's a grassy ass.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/timeforclock
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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My new masseuse makes me uncomfortable

Iโ€™m not sure what it is about her, but she rubs me the wrong way.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lurebat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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Why was the Genie angry?

Because someone rubbed him the wrong way.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/s0apyjam
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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The One That Made Me Love Dad Jokes

My Step dad told me this one about 25 years ago (I was around 12?) and I've loved it, and dad jokes, ever since.....

A guy named Benny was walking down the beach when he found a magic lamp.

When he rubbed the lamp, a genie came out and said he got three wishes. However, he must agree to never shave again. If he did, he would become an urn.

Benny wished for riches, women and a VERY long life.

Years upon years had passed; and Benny's beard was so long it was difficult to manage. He decided that surely the genie who had granted his wishes so long ago had forgotten about him, and so he shaved his beard off.

POOF!!

He was an urn.

What's the moral of the story?

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CandyceCox
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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Dad jokes in real life.

Tonight my wife and I were explaining why my son had to wear pajama bottoms after putting anti-itch cream on his legs, because it kept it from rubbing off on the sheets. โ€œBut doesnโ€™t it rub off on the pajamas?โ€ asked my daughter. My wife patiently explained that the cream could then rub back onto his legs.

โ€œYes,โ€ I said. โ€œItโ€™s a perpetual lotion machine.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jofish22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
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This Coronavirus is crazy

I bet the guy who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing his hands together

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CollierAM9
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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A Joke for the Hard of Hearing

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?" The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish. The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into peopleโ€™s drinks. โ€œWhat just happened?!โ€ the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cool-kid103
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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A car cruising down a rural country suddenly backfires.

As the engine sputters and shuts down the woman driving the car steers toward a nearby driveway and honks the horn hoping to get the attention of a guy herding cattle in the distance. Sure enough within a minute the man has ridden his horse over to her. He dismounts and gives a happy โ€œHello! Sounds like youโ€™re having some car trouble. Can I help at all?โ€ The woman replies that sheโ€™s not sure what happened but that she would love some help. They pop the hood and the man says he thinks he can fix the problem but has to run back to his barn to get some tools. The cows have come to see whatโ€™s going on and as the farmer gets ready to leave he says โ€œDonโ€™t worry about your car. Iโ€™ll have it running in a few minutes. Just head over there to the shade of the tree by the fence. The cows are all friendly. Bessy there likes to have her ear rubbed, Albert likes to look at people, and Mare will just moo a grand ole tune.โ€ All of it is true and within 20 minutes the woman is happily sitting in her car with the engine running better than before. โ€œThank you so much, youโ€™re a life saver,โ€ she says. The man smiles and lets out a big laugh before saying โ€œIโ€™m glad I could help. But Iโ€™m no life saver. Iโ€™m just a jolly rancher.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/foyeldagain
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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So I went to get a massage and I didn't really like the guy giving the massage,

I don't know I guess he just rubbed me the wrong way.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Line6Guitarist
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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Spur of the moment pun

My wife got something in her eye and grabbed the first towel she could find which happened to be my shower towel. She says

"Great I'm probably rubbing my eyes right where you had your balls"

Me: "yup, now you have eye balls"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JezyJezyJezy
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 23 2019
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Two friends are out at the lake..

One of the guys pulls out this really, really long lighter. And his friend says, "Hey, that's a cool lighter. Where'd you get it?" He says, "Oh, I've got this magic genie in a lamp. You know, rub the lamp, get a wish." Friend goes, "Well shit, man! Don't hold out! I want a wish!" "Okay, man, but I have to warn you.. This genie is *really* old.." "All right, whatever, just give me a wish." So he rubs the lamp, the genie comes out, and grants him a wish. He says, "I want a million bucks!" "Your wish is granted," says the genie, he disappears into the lamp, and suddenly a million *ducks* descend upon this lake. The guy is baffled and says, "Hey, what's the deal? I asked for a million *bucks*, not a million *ducks*.." His friend replies, "Dude, you think I asked for a 12-inch *Bic*?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.โ€
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FunnyGenious
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure theyโ€™re the same..."

"Then youโ€™ll have a match."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure theyโ€™re the same...

Then youโ€™ll have a match...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
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If you need to start a fire by rubbing sticks together, make sure they are the same.

Then you'll have a match.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/potatostomach
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 11 2017
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My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure theyโ€™re the same..."

"Then youโ€™ll have a match."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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As my son was heading out to go camping, I advised him, "If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure theyโ€™re the same."

"Then youโ€™ll have a match!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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Why did the massage therapist have no friends?

She rubbed people the wrong way.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hiking907
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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LPT: If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure theyโ€™re the same.

Then youโ€™ll have a match.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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Got fired from the massage parlor.

I rubbed one of my clients up the wrong way.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Whatโ€™s the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

Whatโ€™s the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says ribbit-ribbit. A horny toad says rub-it rub-it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bunsofsteel_MRI_boy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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Dad Genie

A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, โ€œWhat is your first wish?โ€ The kid says, โ€œI wish I were rich!โ€ The genie replies, โ€œIt is done! What is your second wish, Rich?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/khanzunair
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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My massage therapist got fired ...

I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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A kid finds a magical lamp.

He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says: โ€œWhat is your first wish?โ€

The kid says: โ€œI wish I were rich!โ€

The genie replies: โ€œIt is done! What is your second wish, Rich?โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RayInRed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Iโ€™m not sure if I like my massage therapist.

She just rubs me the wrong way.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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My son and I went camping yesterday when he asked me how to start a campfire...

I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure theyโ€™re the same. Then youโ€™ll have a match."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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