My son is involved in the school music program...

I told him i offered his director some assistance. They said yes.

Now I get to be a band-aid.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yellow_Odd_Fellow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission

When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the news program dedicated to berries?

It was a currant affairs program.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/endangeredpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I think there should be a summer reading program for kids urging them to read before going outside to play in the water. It could be called...

"Prose Before Hose"

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Redditor_PC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2016
🚨︎ report
The Boers had a space program and migrated off world.

They call it Star Trek.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
did you hear about the glitch in the pirate program?

eyepatched it

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Ghast_Hunter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
🚨︎ report
So I had just finished my Data Visualisation assignment on Microsoft Excel when suddenly it crashed. I nearly shit me cacks when I realised I forgot to save it. Thanks be to jaysus the program restarted with my graph intact...

... Lads, I almost lost the plot.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pot8toes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the AI program respond with to a joke?

101

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YellowB
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2017
🚨︎ report
The U.S. and Canada are combining their space programs to send another spacecraft to the moon

Their calling the ship The Apollo-G!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ggaarrrreett
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
🚨︎ report
So you know the programming language C...

next is C++, or C2 since its the second one, then there's C# or C3 since the # symbol is just shift 3.

I can't wait for the next iteration, C4! I hear its gonna be... A blast!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eclipse_Shadow
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Wholesome story with a moral, featuring the C programming language reddit.com/r/ProgrammerDa…
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/citewiki
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the programming teacher say to his students?

I see sharp students in this class!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aevyian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?

It's considered meowware!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
🚨︎ report
In the future, what will we call robots that are programmed to act like grandma?

Nanabots

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/silentpl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 155
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/juicy-tomato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a computer programming condition in the movie Frozen?

If, Sven, Elsa.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cderry
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2017
🚨︎ report
So I was helping my sister with some programming homework over the phone...

...and my girlfriend was listening in on the call. When I was done on the phone my girlfriend turns to me and says I didn't understand any of that. I look at her and say, "It's okay, we were speaking in code."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/w3b_stain
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
🚨︎ report
So i did a course on C++ programming for the second time.

OOP i did it again...

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
🚨︎ report
I can only imagine the frustration behind the making of modern Looney Tunes shows.

There has to be a lot of Bugs in the programs they use.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zamo312
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A programming pun

Here's a programming joke for y'all

How did the founder of the tech company build his company's campus?

By calling the Constructor():

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SynapseAI
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
So Donald Trump (or "the Don" as some call him) has realized that illegal immigrants must be deported at night so that no one will see them leaving and complain...

The problem, however, is that there isn't enough light for the immigrants to find their way back to Mexico. Because of this, the Don institutes his "Early Light" plan in order to give the immigrants a way to see. One immigrant, Jose, is partially blind, so they are wondering if the "Early Light" program will still allow him to see. The ask him: Jose can you see by the Don's "Early Light."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoahTheProtozoa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football program

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SaintMeerkat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
a few jokes that will make u laugh

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam programme I've ever seen.
πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattasaurusrrex
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fractalrain39
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers....

..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IronLegion11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers.

The best dam program Iβ€˜ve ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joe_dsr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZEUSlightning5265
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eastyisthename
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I watched a documentary about beavers last night

It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

πŸ‘︎ 148
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jackojamison
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimbausky
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKrabs7382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I watched a program on Herbert Hoover...

It was the best dam program I've ever seen! Even better than the one on beavers...

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team. Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily…

Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve just watched a show about beavers

It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexPascu007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 558
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jupiiters
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2017
🚨︎ report
My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordMeme42
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Obimark
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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