Did you hear the one about the ordinary tree?

It was a basic birch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plmcalli
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says β€œI’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs in here.” Guy says β€œThis is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.”

Bartender says β€œSure... If you say so. Now please leave.”

Guy says, β€œNo really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * β€œDog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes β€œRoof.”

Bartender says β€œVery clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?”

Guy goes β€œNo no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes β€œRuff.”

Bartender says β€œThis is the last time I’m going to tell you!”

Guy says β€œWait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies β€œRuth”

Bartender: β€œGet out! I’m calling the authorities!”

Guy and dog leave.

Outside dog turns to guy and says β€œJeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schneckesweets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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As a roman emperor, I really like to drink Coca Cola. The ordinary people?

They drink Plebsi.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Devarda
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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I know this is old, but this is no ordinary link post... kelp me continue the sea of puns in the comments section below! collegehumor.com/upick/66…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tony_1337
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2012
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What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Synergy_synner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
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The Queen knighted British electrons to spy on ordinary citizens

Truly, the Brits are living in a modern day Sir Valence state.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamoose
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
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There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a tiny bell from a kitten’s collar, all the way up to the bell from the king’s royal bell tower.

When the king awoke one morning, the bell tower’s bell was missing. The king, being brave and noble, decided to follow the thief back to his lair. He chose four of his most loyal soldiers, mounted his horse, and rode off into the snowy woods, following the footprints left behind on the ground.

Soon, he and his soldiers arrived to a clearing in the woods. In front of them was a large, bell-shaped building. They found the thief’s lair!Pointing to the recent tracks left in the snow by the thief, the king announced to the soldiers,

β€œLook! The Fresh Prints to Bell Lair!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit_reddit03
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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I was watching the news last night...

I was watching the news last night and it said there would be some flash photography. Well Im no cameraman but it looked pretty ordinary to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/El_Spunko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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WHY WOMEN ARE CLEVERER THAN MEN

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million Pounds." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Three days later, she became his stepmother...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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Out dad-joked my dad.

Walked into my parents house today to find that my father had replaced three ordinary light fixtures with ceiling fans.

Me- "dad you should really look at selling the house, it is more popular than ever."

Dad- "Why do you say that?"

Me- "Because it has more fans than ever."

Dad (after laughing more than I had ever heard him laugh) - "I wish I thought of that!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smurugger
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2014
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Did you hear about the baker and his assistant Pi?

It was a pretty ordinary day. A woman came in wanting a couple piece of cheesecake, and the baker was busy. So Pi cut her 3.14 slices...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Infinite_one
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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Remembering my first official dad joke.

My son had just been born, I'm talking freshly cut cord. My mother comes in to see him and notices a bottle of baby shampoo on the table.

"Ooh is that Baby Magic," she asks.

"Nah, he's just an ordinary baby."

Then I realized I was a real dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeffreyGlen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
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Card shopping with dad

Dad and I walk into this card store to get something for my sister's birthday. The shop has a sign outside that says "Out of the ordinary cards"

Dad walks up to the counter: "Excuse me, when will you be getting in more of the ordinary cards?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zackhankins74
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
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My brother walked right into this one.

My dad and brother, while driving to the beach, saw a man running along a railroad parallel to them in ordinary "street clothes".

Brother: "Dad, why do you think he is running?"

Dad: "He is training"

Brother: dies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lbria
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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