Was so proud of my boys. I just asked them what we should call the can opener that just broke. I’m an instant they said, “A can’t opener?” They will be good dads someday!
A pic for anyone who wants to see it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
The can opener at work broke.
I suppose you could call it a can't opener.
I have to host an early morning staff meeting tomorrow, does anyone have any good openers for an early morning meeting to break the ice?
I was getting annoyed about the can opener breaking on the tin..
My dad says "you mean the can't opener?" -.-
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head
It's awful to see someone you love mugged.
To all the members of this subreddit, an open letter:
I knocked on the fridge door before I opened it .
I could hear the salad dressing.
I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.
"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"
>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<
Yesterday when I walked into a store, a clown held the door open for me.
I thought it was a nice jester
The Franciscan priest left the monastery to start a flower shop, but before he could open, a flock of sheep in the village got loose and trampled him to death.
Only ewes can prevent florist friars.
The police pulled over a semi going 120 mph on the interstate. Upon opening the trailer, they found thousands of ancient cutting tools similar to an axes but with the cutting edges perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.
A new pub opened up that allows minors over the age of twelve.
You hear about the retiree who opened a bar for lonely roofers?
It was a shingles bar...
🥸
I bought a thesaurus but when I opened it all the pages were blank
I had no words to describe how angry I was
In Schrödinger's thought experiment, if you open the box and the cat is dead,
then your curiosity killed the cat.
Who is the most open-minded president?
A new restaurant opened in my town called The Moon
The food is terrific but there's no atmosphere.
Did you hear about the man who spent his life savings opening a distillery?
I heard they opened a new restaurant near the top of Mt. Everest
Careful though, the steaks are high
What did the frog say when he opened an app on his phone in the library?
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
What would be the name of of the nutrition store the Mandolarian would open?
A friend opened a strip club called the G.Spot...
It closed after a week as most men couldn't find it.
The new LEGO store is having it's grand opening today and the crowd is growing.
Folks are lined up for blocks!
My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
If you see an email with ground pork and processed ham in the subject line, don’t open it...
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Both of my parents don't identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. They are both very honest and open people.
I guess you could say they're transparent.
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
When I open the fridge after a long day at work only to find water, milk and juice, I start to feel like David Gilmour.
"How I wish... How I wish you were beer."
When the elevator doors opened for me to enter, everyone was asleep inside...
Must be that Ambien music that they play
You know what’s the worst thing about keeping an open mind?
You’ll end up getting a splitting headache.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
The gyms must stay open.
The Constitution guarantees the Freedom of the Press!
Opened the electric bill and the Wife can't understand why i'm on the floor laughing.
Why should you always knock on the fridge door before you open it?
Because there could be a salad dressing!
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it.
Just in case, there's a salad dressing.
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I always knock on the door of the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
My friend opened a club called “The G-Spot”
But it closed after a week, because most men couldn’t find it.
You should always knock on the fridge door before opening it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
The new Lego store recently opened up
People lined up for blocks
I always knock on the fridge before I open the door...
Just in case there is a salad dressing.
I'll see myself out....
Why did the clown hold the door open?
Because it's a nice jester
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