A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. β€œFirst offender?” the judge asked.

β€œNo” she replied. β€œFirst a Gibson , then a Fender”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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What’s the other term for the sex offenders list?

The pedo files

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πŸ‘€︎ u/s0_0k
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Whats the difference between a therapist and a sex offender?

Just some space.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drunkwizard1991
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2017
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If you are offended by my dad jokes, don’t get mad and ask me to go to the artificial excavation filled with water.

I mean well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaulFromTheParty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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Two big girls walk into a bar

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies *"Wales!"*

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KillerTomatoes6
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
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Number wars, a dad joke story.

6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?

6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.

Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.

12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.

Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.

Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.

Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.

Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"

7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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Why was the neighbor offended

Coz, the next door neighbor put a fence around his house

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bollykeys
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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Why didnt the sweet pickle get offended?

Cuz it was no big dill.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_roeintense_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2018
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I'm not sure why the restaurant manager was all offended when he mistakenly asked how my chicken dinner was.

All I said was that it was really grouse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flumanchu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
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I accidentally offended an Indian woman by using the wrong word for her clothing.

So I said sari.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BecauseItAmusesMe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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What did the offended pollen say to the deplorable pollen?

You're a"pollen" (get it appalling)!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/peternemr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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Having gay parents must be horrible

You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom."

Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone.

Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award.

Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "I’ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people haven’t. No reason a good joke can’t be posted bc someone’s posted it in the past."

Edit 4: making too many edits but thanks for the gold kind stranger (And all of them means alot)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SergeantSolar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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So I went to a costume party dressed as a harp.

The host says, β€œWhat are you dressed as?” I tell him, β€œI’m a harp.” He says, β€œBut your costume is to small to be a harp.” I was incredibly offended, and tell him, β€œAre you calling me a lyre?!”

πŸ‘︎ 771
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajicMan101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A mime broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
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What do you call a cow who is vegetarian?

A vegeta-bull

Edit: It’s been brought up that I should’ve said bovine instead of cow. I definitely didn’t mean to offend anyone! I literally thought this stupid joke to myself while in the shower lol

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ellegirl82091
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.

I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

β€œExcuse me,” I said, β€œI couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, β€œIt’s Wales!”

β€œNo offense intended,” I replied. β€œPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schoonerw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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At Thanksgiving this year I’m going to try to not show my disdain for my Vegan relatives.

They hate it when you have a beef with them. And last year they seemed offended when I gave them the bird.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/4cml
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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Whipped this one out at work

One of my coworkers is a transsexual. He (formerly she) was telling me about some of his struggles.

"I had to go up to the corporate level in order to be able to use the restroom. Some people here were uncomfortable with me using either the mens or women's room when they found out."

"So, what you're telling me is. You had to fight for your right to potty?"

At first he facepalmed and sighed, admittedly I was a little worried I might have offended him... But he did get a chuckle out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2015
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Why is it so hard to call someone in China?

The country’s so full of Wings and Wongs that every time you Wing you get the Wong number.

Edit: I do not mean to offend anyone here. Just making a joke that I found in a Roald Dahl book.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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"Anything these days," I told my son.

He frowned a little.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Huh?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"I don't understand. Explain?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

He sighed loudly.

"Are you crazy, dad?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked.

There was a pause.

"Anything these days," I continued.

At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!"

There was a silence.

"This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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The Rude Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said β€œI believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, and asked very softly : β€œMay I ask what the turkey did?”


I'd like to thank my friend John for sending me this dumb joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fred1840
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Were you vaccinated with a phonograph needle?

Because it's been 15 minutes and you haven't stopped talking!

(This is a joke my dad said to me last night. He's 85 and in failing health so to hear him crack this joke really made me laugh & smile. Then this morning he called me saying he couldn't sleep last night because he worried the joke offended me. I told him hell no...it was hilarious! I love my dad!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KlimRous
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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Dad-joked my own Father while we were driving home.

My Dad and I were watching "Iron Man" on his truck's DVD player while he was driving me home. It cuts to a scene where someone was driving an Audi.

Dad: Ooh, that's a nice car.

Me: Meh, I don't like it.

Dad: You don't like the Audi?

Me: Nope.

Dad: Get out.

Me: You want me to get Audi your car?

Dad: ΰ² _ΰ² 

The groan he emitted was magnificent.

Edit: Individuals seem to be upset about him occasionally watching while he was driving. I apologize if this offends anyone. I talked to him, and he says he will make sure to only watch when he is stopped/parked. I will make sure he does so. Thank you for the concern!

πŸ‘︎ 784
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaylorAlexis
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
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Man with a wooden eye

There was a man, who in high-school, had a wooden eye. He was quite self conscious about it, so when it came time for the school dance, he didn't have the nerve to ask a girl to dance. He would go up to a girl and she would turn away instantly. He was very discouraged, until he saw across the room a girl, alone with a peg leg. He thought "perfect! she might want to dance with me!" and walked over. When he asked her to dance, she looked up grinning and said "Would i? Would I?!" offended, he looked back and said. "Peg leg! peg leg!"

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CedarDragon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2016
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Heres one

I offended two people by calling them hipsters

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoyalSeptember
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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24 Feb 2017, Revised Rules and meta-state of /r/puns

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!


Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.

Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".


I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
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Why is Six Afraid of Seven?

Because Seven was put on the Six Offender List.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BKGPrints
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2018
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I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!
~
~
[edited for spelling. sorry to offend.]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lithium91w
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
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I'll be there...

So this happened a couple of years ago. I worked in a room of about 40 engineers. Someone on a different team always had his phone on loud, and his ringtone set as the Friends theme (which soon became pretty annoying)

Anyway, one afternoon, the offender had gone for a cigarette but left his phone behind. Phone rings, and no-one dares answer his phone for him, so we all ignore it and eventually they ring off.

Moments later, same thing happens, I think it gets through the intro and into the first verse before they ring off.

Silence. We breathe a sigh of relief. They've given up.

...

*Ding digading ding dinga din...

Someone in the office yells "HE IS ON A BREAK"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robpickersgill
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2016
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While talking about the teachers in Atlanta, GA going to jail...

...for cheating on tests. The wife's aunt/uncles were all giving their opinions.

Uncle: They're going to jail for like 5 years! I think they should have just lost their jobs.

Me: Yea, I agree. And also make them register as...test offenders!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whatthedamnhell98
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2015
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I'd be surprised if this is a re-post

My soccer inflicted ingrown toenail has been giving me serious grief, exasperated by an infection. Swollen, purple and painful, my wife told me I needed to buy an expensive set of nail scissors and clippers to trimming down the offending nail.

I replied with "For toepiary?"

I think i must have failed in the telling of my 'dadjoke'. She did NOT roll her eyes but actually laughed!

I guess the journey is long in this game.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toocents
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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So a women is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. During her court hearing the judge asks, "First offender?"

The woman says, "No first a gibson, then a fender."

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rei7689
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dimkal
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2018
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A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection

the judge says: "First offender" The woman replies: "No, first a Gibson, the a Fender"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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A woman is on trial for beating up a unfaithful rockstar husband with his guitar collection

The judge asked her, β€œfirst offender” β€œNo,” she says β€œfirst a Gibson then a Fender

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Guitar

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks her, "First offender?" She replies, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sani-tarium
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection...

The judge asks, β€œFirst offender?” The wife replies, β€œNo, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dohpaz42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asksΒ her, "First offender?” She says, β€œNo, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

πŸ‘︎ 208
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cmac33111133
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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A woman appears in court, accused of attacking her husband with guitars..

The judge asks, β€œFirst offender?” β€œNo,” she replies, β€œFirst, a Gibson. Second, a Fender.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Llovely7
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge says, "First offender?"

She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGreat_DmfB
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
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A women is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks her, "First offender?"

She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedWolf308
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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