My wife called me into the kitchen to look at all of our new stock options.

There were chicken bones, beef bones and veggie ends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/waldo06
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2021
🚨︎ report
As much as I love Netflix, when I look at the presidents, I don't think orange is the new black.
πŸ‘︎ 609
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunter_Penguin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My boss is making me dig through a stack of hay bare-handed to look for anything that shouldn’t be there. I suspect he dropped his wedding ring while having an affair with the new girl he hired in the pile and now he is desperate to hide the evidence from his wife who might be on to him.

But I’m just grasping at straws here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Propagansus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does the new iPhone 11 Max look like a stove top?

Because Tim cooks

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rickcinbigd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Take a look at the new apple car, they apologize for not using windows... imgur.com/X7Dg1yN
πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i81potato
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2013
🚨︎ report
The doctor walked into the room with a sad look on his face and handed me a new born baby

He told me β€œsorry your wife didn’t make it”

I then handed him the baby back and said β€œwell bring me the one my wife made”

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexbeltran43
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
🚨︎ report
For the past few weekends my wife has done nothing but drag me around to look at expensive new countertops

I'm tired of being taken for granite

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zembacraftworks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A boy was sitting at home playing video games when suddenly his dad bursts in through the front door and says, β€œSon, look, check out my new AirPods!”

The boy looks at his father’s ears but sees nothing. β€œDad, there’s nothing there.”

β€œYeah I know, they’re literal!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikin__
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper?

So you feel write at home.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Mr. Chin decided to look for new opportunities after being knighted by the queen.

He is now Sir Chin.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chefboyclakie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Looking at some new apartments near the city.

But they are all quite small for what you pay for.

So on my latest visit to an apartment I accepted it straight away. I have to admit that there's not much room.

So I threw in a shiitake. Now there's mushroom

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2022
🚨︎ report
A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of β€˜β€™Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.

The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.

The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.

That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.

The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. β€˜β€™Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of β€˜Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.

He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes

For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like β€˜β€™pineapple sauce!’’ and β€˜β€™love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.

The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.

The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this h

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpadesFairy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
🚨︎ report
I was worried my Gooseberry plant looked dead during the recent heatwave. Now the weather's cooler it has some new growth.

That's a re-leaf!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RRatty
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2022
🚨︎ report
looking for Spay/Neuter puns

I help a friend to run a nonprofit transport service in my state to get local pets to a non profit vets office to get Spayed and Neutered. We're looking to make up new t-shirts. We've already used, 'I like S&N (spay and neuter)'

Today I came up with 'ballz out for spay and neuter' with a tennis ball and a bell ball- cat toy. We'll be deciding on design in a few weeks- once we're back in the transport season. We take the coldest months off to try and avoid the snow.

Anyway we're looking for a good one liner-pun- to put on our newest round of T-shirts. Thank you in advance ☺️

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2023
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There once was a boy born with no body, only a head.

On his 21st birthday his dad asked him what he’d like to do. β€œGo to the bar for a beer”, he said. So they went.

His dad propped his son on the bar. β€œBeer for my son, please”. The dad poured the beer into his son’s mouth. Two arms sprouted from his neck. β€œIt’s a miracle! Bartender, quick! Grab another beer!”

The son grabbed the second beer with his new arms and drank it. A body grew below his arms. The bartender ran for another beer. The boy drank it and sure enough, two legs sprouted from his torso.

He yelled, β€œDad look! I have a body!” In his excitement he ran out of the bar. His dad and the bartender followed and to their horror, watched as the kid ran into the street and got run over by a bus. The dad said, β€œOh son, I never thought to teach you to look both ways before crossing the street”.

The bartender said, β€œPoor kid, should’ve quit while he was ahead”.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2022
🚨︎ report
My son (16) told a dad joke.

My car radio cut off the "A" in AC/DC

Me: Look, the center for disease control has a new song out.

My son: yeah, it's sick.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kahne_Fan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2023
🚨︎ report
*Not a joke* *just a thank you*

I want to thank everyone who posts on this sub!! All the best jokes I have-have been heard and I’m being groaned at a lot lately. I’ve found some new ones to share with friends and family due to this sub, and the unexpected but amused looks are so worth the groans I get too. So thank you πŸ™

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2023
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My 16 year old son told me I was a simp (probably because I'm looking to get into a new relationship), after I looked up the meaning I told him:

You must be a Simpson then.

πŸ‘︎ 480
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HosfordHusky
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I needed a new charger for my phone, so I went to the store. Finding an employee, I asked him for help and he told me he could sell me a DC adapter for ten dollars. I looked him square in the eye and said "Nice try, buddy..."

"But I live in Kentucky, not Washington, DC!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OmegaLiquidX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Just got my new keyboard. Looks like the keys are taking things quite literally.
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dpk38
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
So i had sex with my son's new teacher

My son wasn't doing well in the school he was in so my wife and I decided to pull him and try something else. I had a meeting with his new teacher to discuss curriculum and the things he will learn and I couldn't stop thinking about how attractive she was.

She caught me checking her out and seemed annoyed at first but then gave me a look that she liked it. I made my move and she responded positively. One thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. It was really good and I can't wait to have sex with her again.

So I would say that homeschooling is going pretty well so far.

(Joke's not original. But i thought this sub would like this}

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Material_Ad_8157
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2022
🚨︎ report
So this guy gets to prison his first night of a long sentence...

Right after the guards turn out the lights in the block, it gets quiet for a second, then he hears a lone voice at the end say "27!" The whole block erupts in laughter. The new guy asks his cellmate what is going in.

The cellmate explained "The guards don't like us talking after lights out. But we love jokes. We know all the jokes by heart, so we number them. When one of us wants to tell a joke, one of us calls out the number and everyone gets a good laugh."

The new guy look skeptical, so the cellmate says "You can try it. You can call out any number, and we will know the joke." The new guys shrugs, then calls out "43!" The whole block meets him with dead silence, not a peep. The cellmate says "Well, I guess not everybody can tell a joke."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scotch-o
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2022
🚨︎ report
My unappreciated Dad joke

There's enough here for a whole new sub of unappreciated old lost dad jokes.

I was walking in a forest near our home with my family and a lady walked towards us with a dog. The dogs collar had a flashing red light on it, so, within ear shot of the lady, my young children and my wife I said... 'Oh look it's a police dog'.

Nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pseudo-nimm1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2022
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
An old woman took her grandson to the beach.

She was watching him happily playing at the waters edge, wearing his new sailor suit, when out on the horizon appeared a gigantic wave. Before she could react it crashed over the boy and washed him out to sea. The grandmother dropped to her knees and prayed, begging god to return the child. I’ll never ask for anything ever again she pleaded. Miraculously, on the horizon, another wave appeared. It deposited her grandson, unharmed exactly where he was. The old woman looked once more toward heaven and said... He had a hat.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HuckFinns_dad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2022
🚨︎ report
I've started a new competitive pun gameshow podcast entitled 'Punnit' and I'm looking for contestants! First two episodes in the comments.

'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.

These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.

It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.

Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos

Follow us too @thepunpodcast

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PattersonHoodlum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Takoda is just named chief of the northern Nyuktuk Tribe

One of the natives asks him if it's going to be a cold winter. Takoda, being a new chief, doesn't know the tricks of determining the weather from the animals, clouds, trees, etc. but he also doesn't want to look naive so he says "yes I think it's going to be cold, so gather some wood." The townspeople thus head out to get wood.

When all the townspeople leave, the chief calls the weather station and asks if it's going to be a cold winter in Nyuktuk. The guy at the weather office says "hold on a second." He comes back and says "yes it appears like it will be a cold winter."

When the townspeople come back Takoda says to them "it's going to be a colder weather than I first thought. Go gather more wood."

So the townspeople head out to get more wood. But the chief is still not sure. So he calls back the weather station and asks if they are sure. The weatherman says "one second" then comes back on and says "it's definitely going to be a cold winter." So when the townspeople return, Chief Takoda tells them to go out and gather all the wood they can find.

But after they all the townspeople leave, the chief is still not sold. So he calls the weather station and asks if they are sure it's going to be cold in Nyuktuk. The weatherman says that not only will it be cold but it likely will be one of the coldest winters on record. "But how do you know?" the chief asks. The weatherman says "because the Indians are gathering wood like crazy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Budget-Pay3743
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2022
🚨︎ report
Groaned a whole store with this one.

I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked:

"I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!"

To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation."

The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeoshua82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2022
🚨︎ report
They delivered materials for our new roof today. I looked out the window, confused. Said to my son, β€œhuh, that’s weird. There are several pallets out there. He asked why that’s weird.

I was just expecting a shingle pallet

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The1hangingchad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a new rear tire for my motorcycle today. As the clerk handed it to me, I looked him in the eye and said "guess I can retire now"
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m looking forward to the new Hell’s Kitchen pasta episode

A real Al dente’s inferno

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/badjayplaness
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
There are so many things that I am looking forward to in the new year...

You could say that my vision is 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
[Meta] Halloween Sub Discussion

Hey guys, new to posting to the sub, just wanted to get some information on what is allowed and if there is an option to base an event.

I've never seen an image posted on Dad Jokes so I am just going to assume there is no image posting allowed in the sub.

If that is the case I just wanted to float out the idea of allowing images to be posted during the week of Halloween. There are a ton of great dad jokes embodied in creative costumes and since that fits the spirit of the sub, maybe an event can be created to exchange those jokes during a set time frame. Feedback or a direction to something I'm looking for would be much appreciated.

I hate to spoil my costume but to get an example of what to look for (mine is by no means anything special) I will give you the general idea. It will be 3 pieces in regular attire. A plastic sword, a fancy collar, and a balaclava made out of "invisible" material ;). I am going as the headless horsemen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/milkytunt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2022
🚨︎ report
At the auto show looking at the terrible new design on the Ram truck...

"Let's get the hell out of Dodge."

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitochondria420
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Guy and his wife at the store,looking for a new ironing board

Wife: look this one makes it so you only have to iron 1 side Guy: so if we bought 2 we wouldn’t need an iron?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
🚨︎ report
After the success of the new Star Wars movie, if Daisy Ridley looks for more money for the next film, and Disney say no ...

they'll call her Raisy Didley.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SandorClegane_AMA
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2015
🚨︎ report
Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper?

So you feel write at home.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper?

So you feel write at home.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A gal walks into a bar

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. She and the bartender notice a nice pickup pulling up to the bar. A man hops out and walks around and opens the door for his date and they enter the bar, sit down and order dinner and drinks. "Wow, look at that," the gal comments to the bartender. "You hardly ever see a man open the car door fora lady anymore. It really tells you something about the guy." "Sure. It tells you one of two things," the bartender agrees. "That's either a new girlfriend, or a new truck."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2022
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I were looking at a new apartment today. It seemed nice, but I was disappointed by the lack of furniture in the dining room. "What do you think?" She asked.

I replied, "Notable."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife got excited because of a delivery she received

She got a new heavy-gauge wok that she had her eye on for a while. I asked her if she remembered to get the special footwear for it.

She looked puzzled for a moment. Then she sighed and said, "Okay, lay it on me. Tell me your dad joke."

I said, "I don't know what you mean by that, but it is my understanding that they have boots that are made for wokking."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daneelthesane
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2022
🚨︎ report

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