What do you call a prostitute that works the crows nest on a pirate ship?

LAND HOE!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SassyTurtlebat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WolfieMario
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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Did you hear the one about the guy who escaped prison covered in wasps nests?

He broke out in hives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/McStankee110
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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An old sailor fell from the crows nest.

An old sailor fell from the crows nest onto the deck. He survived. He was used to hardships.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Intagvalley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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Saw 4 baby birds in a nest, 3 were close together beaks wide open and squawking for attention. The 4th was off to the side beak closed head down..

I'm no bird expert but I'm guessing 3 females and 1 male.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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So There's A Bee's Nest In The Front Garden

My mum called a beekeeper, who was keen to come and take them away before something bothered the nest. So keen, he set off from 20 miles away at half nine at night. My dad's comment?

"Well of course he's keen, he's got some freebies!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkclone24
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2016
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Just watched One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest

That movie was totally mental.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewfrojay
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
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A dad disturbed a bee nest and started getting swarmed by the angry bees...

He BEErly made it out alive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rissanenhenrik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
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What happens when Mama Bird and Papa Bird Cuddle in the Nest?

A swallow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nailfunny
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2014
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The pollen basket or corbicula is part of the tibia on the hind legs of certain species of bees. They use the structure in harvesting pollen and returning it to the nest or hive.

The bees think that this ability is just the bee's knees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nate601
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
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My wife said she never saw the appeal of Russian nesting dolls...

...I told her "it's what's on the inside that counts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwlThinkAboutIt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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A rare sighting of the Russian nesting dog.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeMemeL0rd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I'm technically an uncle, but my niece laughed so...

Did you hear about the Cockatiel that was trying to find a new home for his family? He zipped back and forth everywhere, but couldn't find a good spot anywhere. Then he came across a bear, sleeping flat of his back with his mouth wide open. Not recognizing what it was, he thought the bear's mouth would be the perfect spot for a nest. He gathered his family and they all got to work building a new home for themselves, but then the bear woke up. Realizing what was going on, he politely informed them that he couldn't let them nest in his mouth. He hated to do it, but it was quite the bird den to bear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shatari
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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A captain and his crew. (Hopefully hasn’t been posted before lol)

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.

One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, β€œone ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!”

Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!

The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.

A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, β€œTwo ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, β€œMen! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!

The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, β€œWhy do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”

The captain replies, β€œWell men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”

The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!

Two seconds later, β€œTWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”

Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, β€œMen, bring me my brown pants.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RecTym
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Wood puns

https://preview.redd.it/6egcw39r98z21.png?width=1626&format=png&auto=webp&s=07fa82d96e5340d3eed13d4c4832de6dffccd97b

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyw7
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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T-Rexes hunting for dinner

This is my dad's favorite dad joke.

A teenage T-Rex named Maynard and his father were out looking for dinner.

"Oh hey, dad! Look! A stegosaurus! That'd be good!"

"My Maynard son, no. That would be so hard to chew. There's so much armor there."

A little while later:

"Dad, check it. A big old nest of Pteranadons! Chicken tonight!"

"No, my Maynard son. They would fly too fast, and we cannot reach up there with our arms."

Finally, "Dad! Dad! Check it out! A herd of brontosaurus! It'd be so easy!"

"No, my Maynard son. Brontosaurus ribs take a long time to properly age before they're good eating. Everyone knows this."

The teenage T-Rex stomped and roared, "Daaad, what are we doing? There's stuff right here to eat! What the hell are you looking for, anyway?"

The elder T-Rex shook his head and said, "Carrion, my Maynard son."

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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The man who invented autocorrect has sadly passed away.

The funfair is nest work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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for the 4th of july, here's a little known america fact: did you know that as the national bird, there’s a whole list of things that you can’t do to an eagle under federal law?

obviously you can't kill one, but you also can't relocate one from where it's living, cause an eagle nest to come to any harm, and the oddest part, as i'm not sure how they'd even track this, is there's even a bit in the law about infecting them with any communicable diseases?

but i suppose there's really no way around that being ill eagle

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
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On Christmas Eve, three eggs, named Dora, Moira, and Gloria, sit in a chicken nest...

Suddenly, Dora hatches and the mama hen says proudly, "Dora in the nest; Day One!"

Then, on Christmas, Moira hatches. The mama hen says, "Dora in the nest; Day Two! Moira in the nest; Day One!"

Dora is confused, and asks, "Well, what about our other sister?"

The mama hen explains, "Gloria In Eggshell, Sis; Day Oh."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greedantoid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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Nest puns

Hey I was curious of some of the best puns you can come up with involving the word "nest"! the best I've come up with is "nestquick" thanks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattTheKFM
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2016
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These little birds started causing quite the ruckus

I tried quailing the disturbance with my shotgun, but I was just winging it. Better luck nest time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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Dad in the yard

When I was much younger, pointing out a nest of yellowjackets living in a hole in our yard:

Me: "Dad, you gotta come check out the bee hole!"

Dad: "Is that anything like an A-hole?"

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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A Russian Nesting doll and a Barbie doll were having an argument about Ken, who they both liked.

The Russian nesting doll said "I've got so many more layers to me than you, honey."

Barbie didn't care though. It was a cheap shot, and as she pointed out, "At least I'm not hollow on the inside."

And Ken was laying her every damn night anyway, so the original statement wasn't strictly true.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2016
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My dad's classic joke. (I've started telling my kids this joke now!)

So one day a little chick finds an orange in his nest. Know what he says?

"Look at the orange mama laid!" hahahahaha!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sawitontheweb
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
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