The Last Song Puns

Me: "She won't Du et"

The last song on Joni Mitchell's 1969 album "Clouds", is "Both Sides Now". If you listen to that album on vinyl, by the time she sings the lyrics "I've looked at clouds from both sides now", you too, will have looked at "Clouds" from both sides now.

Every year for the past few years, I’ve written music for a tuba ensemble for a summer band camp. Last year’s music was titled “TubaChristmas in July,” which had “Hallelujah” by Pentatonix, “Carol of the Bells,” “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and “Have Yourself a Merry TubaChristmas.” This year I’m about 90% sure we’re doing rock/classic rock. So far I have “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, “Paint It, Black” by The Rolling Stones, “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, and some fifth song I haven’t chosen yet (BTW I’m open to song ideas).

I need a pun that mixes Tuba with Rock or with Classic Rock. Similar to how TubaChristmas in July doesn’t include song names, but you know it’s Christmas music on tubas.

During our Skype call last night:

Her: "Hey, you should sing me a song."

Me: "Ok! Here's my favorite song."

Me: "..."

Me: "..."

Me: "..."

Her: "Well, are you going to start?"

Me: "I already did. I'm singing the Sound of Silence!"

No matter how stupid the jokes are, the groans are always worth it.

Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!

Whats green and smells like bacon?  Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.

Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu?  Kevin Bacon

If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries

Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.

Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.

Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.

What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.

How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.

What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.

What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.

What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.

First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.

Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.

If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper “Here comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost

I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon

If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?

This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.

If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.

I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.

My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.

When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr

At a rehearsal for my choir, the director made some last minute changes to the standing arrangements. For a couple songs, we wouldn't be standing in the usual Soprano Alto Tenor Bass formation, but we'd we standing in a way that we were surrounded by people of different sections. As you can imagine, shifting around 4 rows of risers is a bit hectic, so I asked my friend where exactly I had to go.

He told me, "As long as you're mixed, it's okay."

A wave of dark intentions washed over my brain.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said, "But I'm Chinese".

It took him a full two seconds to register what I just said.

What in the actual fuck is happening to me right now?

Unfortunately they had to cancel. Luckily I found a replacement at the last minute. This new guy was amazing. He looked the part, sang all the songs exactly, and even his mannerisms were spot on.

After the party I went up to the replacement and asked how much I owed him for the gig. He said, "Don't worry mate, I'm pro Bono."

So last night I was sitting doing my homework and listening to music. The song that was on was the sound of silence cover by disturbed. I was just writing something down when my dad came in and I asked me what I was listening to. So I said "I'm listening to the sound of silence". And then he says "wow you're dumb I can obviously hear something". I the groaned and moaned for about 5 minutes.

We were at my brother's show last night, and he was tuning his guitar in between songs. My dad turns to me and goes "Ah the great Chinese song Tu Ning."

My brother's and I have been playing shows since I can remember, this jokes probably comes out at least once a month. Dad's a persistent, that's for sure.

My friend and I occasionally play real shitty music as a joke (One Last Breath, etc). So the other day I'm at his house playing video games and "The Reason" by Hoobastank comes on. While it's playing I'm getting whooped in the game we're playing pretty badly and so I'm complaining about it. I'm doing all I can to not get whooped but the whoops don't stop and eventually my friend says, "Dude, maybe it's the song." So I looked at my friend and said, "so you're telling me that the song is The Reason?"

My twin nieces' birthdays are today. Last night, one of them was licking the bowl of frosting.

"You like that ice in the bowl, don't you?"

"It's not ice ... it's ICING!"

"You sing? Well, I sing too!" begin singing the Smurf song

My niece did a facepalm that would make any dad proud. :)

Had mentioned earlier last week that around this time of year I get a pretty nasty glare on my monitor from the sun in the afternoon...

Today:

Me - Here comes the sun.

Them - Great, you just got that song stuck in my head.

Me - and I say it's all right.

Them - Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Out for dinner with multiple family members.

Me "I wrote a song in the shower last night. Its called Forever Man"

Her "Yea, because you're in there forever, man"

We all graoned. She went shopping for high fives.

My band had a performance yesterday. We have three saxophone players. One of plays only Alto saxophone, one of them alternates between playing Alto, Tenor and Baritone saxophone and the last plays both Tenor and Baritone saxophone.

The second two kept swapping each other's instruments or one of the other saxophones they had in the background. So at one point we had to wait for them to change while the rest of us were all ready to start playing the next song.

So, trying to make it less awkward for the audience I turn to them and I says 'I'm sorry, they're just playing ... Musical Instruments'

There was a collective groan/laugh from the audience and the drummer went ba-dum-tish And the trumpeter gave me a little wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaah

I'm still giggling about it.

The the kitchen I work in, two of the cooks normally have the local Latino top 40 station on the radio. Last night, a bachata song was playing on the radio, when one of my coworkers asked one of the cooks, Omar, about it. I noticed he had a huge grin on his face. I knew something was up.

Coworker: "Hey Omar, what is this stuff on the radio?"

Omar: "It's bachata, te gustas? [do you like it?]"

Coworker: "Oh yeah guey, I love horchata."

Omar then gives my coworker the much needed groan, while I laugh my ass off.

I was barbacking one night and the entertainment (two guys that are awesome at Beatles covers with piano and guitar/singing) were killing it that night especially..with a solid group of roughly 25yo's singing along and drinking with em between breaks. An older couple was on the other side of the bar all the while they played. So when they finish their last song and everyone claps the old gentleman gets up and says:

"Thanks for coming tonight guys, made it a real good time...If you guys need any help packing that stuff in your car...these young men will be more that willing to help you"

Had us all laughing.