My roommate keeps telling me why I keep the room at 90Β°

I keep telling him that it's "just right"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RashHD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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My coworker keeps yelling about the tray of leftovers in the staff fridge stinking up the break room...

I finally snapped and told him to just put a lid on it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/knoxollo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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[At the delivery room] Me: You’re doing great, honey! Keep pushing! I can see a head!

Nurse: Sir, I think you are on the wrong end.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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A guy walks into an empty bar...

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

πŸ‘︎ 352
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thundernugs_
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your postΒ to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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Hospital Visit

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said.

Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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Request for cards with dad jokes

My dad is in a care center with Parkinson’s with dementia. He will be 75 on 3/28. He can’t have his party with the virus around and always needs something to occupy him so I thought birthday cards of dad jokes would keep him busy and make him happy. He was always a master of them. Thank you πŸ™

Ray Heng Terrace Glen room 184 3400 Alburnett Rd Marion IA 52302

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/droppergrl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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A zookeeper is having trouble sleeping...

because of a certain case, which made it so that all the zoo animals had to stay in his bedroom. One of them keeps on waking him up, but he’s not sure which one. He goes to see an expert on similar situations like this. They go over which one is the most likely. The expert says:

β€œIt’s not the fox, since those are quiet. It’s also most likely not the monkeys, because these types sleep well.”

They have a conversation like this, but the zookeeper keeps on wanting to talk about his elephant, which he loved and thought would never want to wake him up. The expert notices and plays along for a while, avoiding the subject until all other animals are no longer a suspect. The expert finally gets tired and asks the zookeeper:

β€œAre we going to talk about the elephant in the room?”

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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I've legitimately practiced for this one. I'm so glad I was prepared when it happened.

I'm a teacher, and due to recent storms we've had a few short-lived blackouts.

Today in class the electricity was being fixed by the company and they had to shut the lights off for a few minutes.

Secretary (comes in the room): were there any problems with the lights off?

Me (I've got this, I'm ready!): No, we were delighted.

The secretary left, paused outside and then came back in with the worst glare possible. Yes!!!

Thank you guys, I was prepared.

Edit: Front page!!! Awesome! This is the highlight of my day! Keep your puns coming, I love them all (and I'm secretly practicing them for the proper opportunity).

Thank you so much /user/x9x9x9x9x9 for the gold! It made everything that much better.

Keep your puns coming you guys (especially teachers!).

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sal6a
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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A friend challenged me to a pun-athon, but being an artist, he was into pictoral puns.

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.

He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.

Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.

After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.

I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"

He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."


(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon-Osterman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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So I dadjoked the hell out of my dadjoking boss

My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.

So that's what I have to deal with.

Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.

The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.

Boss: "What happened?"

Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."

Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."

Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.

I've told everyone about this the past couple days.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ejh3k
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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Staying dry

While visiting my school program for a multi-night trip, teachers asked how we would keep students dry in the rain. I talked about our classrooms and other indoor areas, and said they can easily make time to change clothes midday.

"I like to have my students change socks at lunch, hang them to dry, and then use them again the next morning. The socks still get worn 24 hours, but they have morning and afternoon socks."

One teacher got excited and agreed, pointed at her thigh, and said "These are my day jeans!"

I slowly looked around the room, making eye contact with all the teachers. "Does that make you a-" pause for effect "-day jean believer?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mt_n_man
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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A family of balloons

Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.

In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.

"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.

"okay son, I love you."

"love you too dad"

The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.

The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.

But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.

"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"

"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.

"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.

"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.

"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aesyr_raps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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My dad joke just got dad joked

So I'm sitting at work and a few minutes ago I get a call from a co-worker asking me to place a service call with building management...

"Hey Pete, the urinal in the men's room keeps running"

"Tell it to slow down", I say.

"I tried, but it wasn't taking any shit"

"AHHHHHHhhhhhhhIseewhatyoudidthere..."

πŸ‘︎ 245
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoGaborio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
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my Dad had subtle jokes that he'd never mention until we picked up on them

When I was a young kid, I'd say "HI!" to my Dad in the morning, and he'd always respond, " 'lo! "

I didn't get it until I was about 11.

===

he would also keep boxes and cardboard tubes (for mailing/keeping large posters/mailers) in his workroom for all kinds of things. When we were cleaning out the room, we found all these cardboard tubes that said "MT" on them. When we opened them up, there was nothing inside. We should have known he had them properly labeled......"MT" = "empty".

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimjoebob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Co-worker just dad-joked me

"Wow, it's pretty cold in here."

"Did you know that when you're cold you can stand in the corner of the room to keep warm?"

"What? Why?"

"Because it's always 90 degrees!"

This is not his first time dad-joking me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/furcoatz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2016
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[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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Collection of dadness

I am not a dad at the moment, but I've learned the art of pretty clever puns in college. Some are mine, some are spins on inspirations, others are more on the joke side of dad.

What does a radioactive cat have?
18 half-lives

Ventriloquists are like psychiatrists, they both talk through things.

What is my vision?
To make the world 10% better?
No, it's about 20/20...

The invention of the shovel was truly a groundbreaking discovery.

Dad: I invested in some uranium, but I lost money.
Friend: What happened?
Dad: The Profit decayed.

We have received a report of a hole being discovered in the ground, our investigative team is looking into it.

There was an explosion at a local film manufacturing company, the story is still developing as we speak.

A local theater put together an act about jokes.
It was a play on words

SΓΈ, I hΓͺΓ‘rd yΓΆΕ« lΓ¬kΓ« fΓΆrΓ©igΓ± aΓ§Δ‡Δ“Ε„tΕ‘

As an airline mechanic would say, the job has lots of ups and downs.

My New Years resolution will probably be 25 megapixels, or 4K, not sure yet...

There was a river in Egypt no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Dad-Epitaph:
I thought I'd never live to see this day come.

There are two things that are guaranteed to open doors in life.
Push and Pull!

(How to keep an idiot in suspense)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A man builds robotic snakes for a living, I guess you could say he was a... python programmer!

A researcher's obsession with mixing stone, sand, lime, and water has yielded concrete results.

A madman once attacked a rider on his horse.
The rider had to goto hospital, the horse remains in stable condition.

A man bought a paper shop, it blew away in the wind last night.

Science is all about learning the rules, setting off an absurd amount of explosives, and then writing down what happened.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

Dad: Did you pick up your room?
Kid: No, I tried but it's too heavy.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
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I've never beignet more proud!

So I made beignets for breakfast (think I'll leave that to the pros from now on).

I wake up my daughter (age 9) to let her know they're ready. The conversation goes like this:

Daughter: Are beignets ready? Me: They've been ready. Daughter: They've beignet ready?

I have to leave the room to keep from crying--I'm so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CommitteeOfOne
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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My dad asked me if I wanted a Hertz donut...

Back in the 90s, I remember playing some N64 after school when my dad came home from work. He comes into the living room and asks me what's up and, as a teen, I say "nuthin" and keep playing while he just stands there. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see he's looking at me with a stupid grin on his face that's he's trying to suppress poorly. Finally, he asks me to pause the game. I turn to him and he asks "You want a Hertz donut?" I obviously know this joke, but to make it worse, he's already making a fist, ready at his side. I roll my eyes and say "No, I do not want a Hertz donut." He just relaxes his hand and says surprised "Oh, you don't? You sure?" I say I'm sure and he says okay and walks back out to his car, leaving me to return to my GoldenEye. A few seconds later, he comes strolling back in the room, with a box of a dozen donuts in his hand, while he's eating one, with the same stupid grin on his face. On the box of donuts, "Dunkin" has been crudely crossed out and Hertz written beneath it in Sharpie marker. He walks into the kitchen saying "Guess you won't be having these Hertz donuts!" I'm in awe. I follow him into the kitchen and he finally relents and lets me take a donut. I ask him "So, you bought these donuts, and just put this joke together on the way home?" He says he thought of the joke earlier in the day at work and had to buy the donuts for the bit. I start laughing hysterically thinking about him sitting at work itching to leave to pull this off. As we sit there, quietly eating these donuts, he breaks the silence with a mouth full of donut, with "Had to stop at CVS to pick up a Sharpie too." I almost choked on the donut jimmies.

TLDR: Dad offered a Hertz donut, should've taken him up on it.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PriestPorridge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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He got me out of nowhere.

It just happened, and it may not be the best, but it was just so perfect I had to share. Father comes out of the laundry room, holding a penny. He shows it to me, and says we have to hide it from the cops. I, while drinking my fine cranberry juice, stop and ask why the hell that would be necessary. Without hesitation, he says we can't keep it, because it's laundered money. Halp..

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Braindead_Poet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2014
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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Got my girlfriend pretty good today

She found a pair of my younger brother's boxers mixed in with mine which happens from time to time in the laundry. She jokingly asked if I was having a gay affair, to which I replied, "I'm having so many gay affairs I can't keep them straight."

She just groaned and left the room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacophagist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2014
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everything is closed on thanksgiving!

First off, I'm new here. I've only been a dad for a few years but, I'm not sure i'll ever be able to top this and the circumstances of the set up were so chance and specific, I will never be able to use this again. This is what inspired me to seek you out and tell my story.

So, like most thanksgivings, we went to a relatives house and had very large but unusually early dinner. We went home and by nine or ten o'clock we had the little one off to sleep and my wife and I were getting hungry and wanted something simple. She asked for fast food and I was willing to oblige.

I drove to Taco Bell and it was closed. I called my wife, "sorry Taco Bell is closed. What do you want from BK?". I then drove to BK and discovered it was also closed. Called the wife "Sorry honey, BK is closed. What do you want from McDonald's?". You might see were this is going and, if you haven't already guessed it, Micky D's was closed too."Ok, I'm just going to the gas station. What do you want?" She asked for cheddar fries and I was willing to oblige. Got in side, no cheddar fries! I grab her funyuns. She like funyuns, it will be fine. As a joke (not the one we are leading up to) I called her on my way home and told her the gas station was closed too.

I got home, told her the truth about the gas station and gave her the back up back up back up back up back up plan bag of funyuns. She joked around about the number of times I had failed her in one outing (keep in mind, I had been giving her a hard time through this whole event) and then asked me for a soda from the fridge. So is This when the magic happened. I was opening the fridge when the gravity of the situation and what was at stake here suddenly struck me. I closed the fridge, got out a glass and filled it with water. I brought it back to her in the living room. She says "why did you bring me water?"

THE FRIDGE WAS CLOSED!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/La_Guy_Person
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2015
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We were talking about dorming...

So for reference, I got into the one dorm in my university that somehow doesn't have air conditioning. My dad was talking about the logistics of bringing one or even two fans + an AC unit to keep my room fine. He then says... well at that point you'll have enough fans to start a fan club.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASD_Project
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2016
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Got my GF while I was moving a couch.

Me and a buddy are moving a couch into our smaller bedroom, then I smashed my arm into the door frame.

Me: "Damn, I just smacked my arm into the door."

GF: "That's what happens when you are moving a couch."

Me: "Well, it's a wrist i'm willing to take."

Her eyes rolled so hard that I could hear them from the other room. I keep telling her that I'm a dad and this is what to expect out of me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chubgamer442
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
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My dad got us good today

My family was all gathered around in the living room talking about the blue birds that keep trying and failing to fly in our windows (this has been going on for a few weeks). My mom mentioned that earlier today she noticed a bee doing the same thing, trying to get in through the glass. My dad then said, "Woah now, I didn't know we were gonna have a conversation about the birds and the bees!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chazown97
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2016
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Younger brother is playing Call of Duty...

I walk into the room and my Dad says, "There's an Alzheimer's patient in his game. His name is Charlie, and he keeps getting lost."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simeo97
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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Hotel dad joke.

In the elevator, on the way back to the room. My step mom dad just picked up the key to the mini-bar (she wanted to keep her leftovers cool.) "Do not give this key to minors." She read aloud. "I didn't know there were mines around here." My dad replied. The elevator quickly filled with groans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/landlubber12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2014
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Christmas dad joke

My family needed to rearrange the furniture to make room for our Christmas tree.

Dad: "It's Christmas it will only be for a few weeks. then the furniture will go back"

Mom: "But what if we like it this way then we can keep it like this all year"

Dad: "Really? a Christmas tree all year?"

My dad and I almost cry laughing and my mom just sulks there angry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMAhumannumber1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine.... (apologies to u/buddybd)

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

β€œGo stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.”

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

β€œSon I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.”

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

β€œListen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

β€œHey there,” says the recruit. β€œis it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”

The crewman says β€œOh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”

πŸ‘︎ 184
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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