In a new movie 007 must save us from a mad man intent on setting off an atomic bomb on the bottom of the Ocean

Nucleotide Bond

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjmaxal
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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My friend today is intentionally staring at the sun to cause eye damage.

Look on the bright side, today will be the last time he sees 2020....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RasberryOnline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Martha had always listened to her parents when they said β€˜stay away from fire’, but today, her interests got the best of her and she intentionally lit herself on fire just to see what it felt like.

Martha was burning with curiosity

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πŸ‘€︎ u/husbus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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My brother, the pro baseball pitcher, told me about the time he intentionally walked every player on the opposing team as a protest against unfairness in life...

That took a lot of balls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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When I told my friend about my intention to stop drinking, he said β€œthat’s the spirit!”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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The French translation of this brand is an intentional English pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Satanaphobia
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.

The N’s justify the means.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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Physical dad jokes
  • Pretending to pick fleas out of my kids hair and then eating them.
  • Waving back at people who clearly aren't waving at me.
  • Intentionally missing a high five.
  • Pressing the car horn when I'm in the passenger seat and the teenager is driving slowly past other people.
  • Answering "Yes dear" in a falsetto voice when one of the kids yells for mum.

What else have you got?

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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/r/BlackFathers will now be a positive and supportive community for Black and POC fathers

https://i.imgur.com/GlXV2kE.gifv

Reddit admins have recently granted ownership of /r/BlackFathers to myself and a group of other Black/POC mods, and it is our intention to make this a positive and supportive community. This is a place where Black/POC fathers and their family, friends, and colleagues can find helpful resources, welcoming content, and a safe space to learn from each other and share our experience.

Content of all types are welcome so long as the subject/focus of the content is supportive of Black/POC fathers. We look forward to seeing you there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigJ76
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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I was just telling my friend about my intentions to learn the guitar...

It got to the topic of me telling my friend that I have bought that Rocksmith game, to help me learn how to play guitar.

Me: "Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, hopefully I'll enjoy it and I hope I stick with it."

Friend: "Yeah, fingers crossed!"

Me: "Fingers crossed? It's not THAT difficult to play guitar, is it?"

Friend: <_<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mintydeadman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2014
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One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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I finally turned myself in on our last camping trip...

I called the cops and confessed I had criminal intent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allwxllendswxll
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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The clown and the parachute instructor

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a clown listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The clown asked, β€œHow am I supposed to know when I’€™m at 300 feet?”

β€œThat’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, the clown asked, β€œWhat happens if there’s no one there I know?”

https://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/the-clown-and-the-parachute-instructor/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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Went to cracker barrel yesterday for lunch with my dad and we got their new signature fried chicken

The waitress gave us our food and he started looking the pieces over really intently. He turned them all over and checked every side.

Waitress: is everything okay sir? Dad: No i think something's wrong with my chicken. (Looking at the pieces for a second time) Waitress: I'm sorry, what's wrong? Dad: I don't think they signed my chicken.

I lost it.

Happy Fathers day weekend!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rofsdraw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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What's the difference between attacking a human and attacking a pig?

One's considered assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubparWalrus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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Calendar Days That Are Puns!

Days That Are Puns

1/23 - January 23rd reads like 123
3/10 - Mar10 Day - Nintendo's Mario Day
3/11 - There's an awesome band called 311
3/14 - 3.14 is the first few digits of Pi AKA Pi Day
5/4 - May the 4th be with you - A pun on "May the force be with you." AKA Star Wars Day
7/11 - Free Slurpee Day at 7 Eleven stores
9/11 - No intention of being offensive with this one. 9/11 reads like the emergency phone number used in the United States
10/4 - Pun for 10-4, which is similar to saying "roger that"
10/23 - National Mole Day (Avogrado's number) 6.02 x 10^23

Please mention any I missed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wintercool612
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2017
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Sudden Urge to get Naked

(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]

This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.

My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.

Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"

Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.

After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"

He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unicorn_brew
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

The heat was intents

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LTPUKnowMe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2018
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The Dad Joke Project

It's simple: intentionally set your dads up for the worst puns imaginable and see if they take the bait. Post your results here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultimatedelman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2017
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I made a dad joke I'm proud of last night...

I was watching my friend's softball game last night, sitting with his wife as their two twin 4-ish-year-old daughters ran around. One of them was intent on finding the crickets that were chirping all night. Finally she runs up to us and says "I hear the crickets over there. I'm going to go look for them!"

As she runs off I say "Watch, all she'll find over there is a bad comedian."

Forgive me, it's a problem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kr580
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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"No, that's..."

My dad used to play a game with me and my brother that was, in effect, an extended dad joke.

The "beginner" version, when I was younger, was when I would be talking about something, my dad would intentionally misinterpret it so that we could correct him. The objective being to keep up the misinterpretation in as long of a chain as possible.

Me: "Dad! Top Gun is on TV!"

Dad: "Doesn't that movie have that whiny folk singer on the radio in it?"

Me: "...No, dad, that's Tom Petty, not Tom Cruise."

Dad: "Oh, I thought he was Rosanne Barr's husband?"

Me: "No, dad, that's Tom Arnold, not Tom Petty."

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..."

Later, once I figured it out, we moved to "advanced mode", where we skip the "correction" and just prove that you catch the reference by making another error in response.

Dad: "Oh. I thought he was that golfer..." (Arnold Palmer)

Me: "...wait, I thought that was the victim in Twin Peaks?" (Laura Palmer)

Dad: "...no, you're thinking of the lady who was the actress in Jurassic Park." (Laura Dern)

And so on. Did anyone else's dad's do something like this? Or any current dads? I currently play a version of this with my wife where she'll put on the radio and I'll intentionally misinterpret the artist. (Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody is playing, I comment to the effect of "God, I love Styx. Such a great song.")

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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Got the wife and daughter with this one

When i got home my daughter was peeling eggs for dinner. I stood next to her staring at the egg being shelled intently.
"Having fun?" "Oh yes, this is very a-peeling." I got groans all around

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πŸ‘€︎ u/obievil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2016
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Has anyone noticed Mount Rushmore is a pun?

The four fathers of America. And they're forefathers. I can't believe this wasn't intentional.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFunnyFurry
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2015
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My wife, to my daughter who won't get off the computer.

"Young lady, you need to pay attention. Get your head out of the cloud."

I'm not sure if it was intentional or not. I'm guessing not, given what I know about the Missus, it most likely wasn't.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimrob4
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2014
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Dropped this one a week ago. I don't even have a girlfriend.

At a rehearsal for my choir, the director made some last minute changes to the standing arrangements. For a couple songs, we wouldn't be standing in the usual Soprano Alto Tenor Bass formation, but we'd we standing in a way that we were surrounded by people of different sections. As you can imagine, shifting around 4 rows of risers is a bit hectic, so I asked my friend where exactly I had to go.

He told me, "As long as you're mixed, it's okay."

A wave of dark intentions washed over my brain.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said, "But I'm Chinese".

It took him a full two seconds to register what I just said.

What in the actual fuck is happening to me right now?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatcat22able
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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Kid who sits next to me in math class caught me off guard

The guy who sits next to me in calc was staring intently at his lemonade bottle and he says, "This says it's not from concentrate. We'll see how long that lasts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tmarshon97
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2016
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Why should I learn algebra?

I've no intention of ever going there..

(Credit : The great Billy Connoly)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RivalSon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2016
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My brother becoming one of us...

So my brother is planning a camping trip through facebook, and on the invitation it reads:
"Hey guys and gals,
Hope ya'll are getting good and riled for campin. It's going to be intents."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sholbe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
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Dept. director during mandatory staff meeting

Happened during a reading of an extensive legal clause, containing several 'or this ..., or that ...' statements. The entire department is listening intently, ensuring nothing is missed.

When the speaker quietly chuckles about the 'or' multitude after finally reaching the end of the clause, the director speaks up: "Wow, that sentence should be mined!"

Groans around the room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D-Dad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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My Drivers Ed instructor felt the silence

We were taking a final in drivers ed and one of the questions was "How long does it take to fall into a stare" and the instructor said, "Wait a minute I have to go stretch" and so he walked outside so we could see him out the window and he proceeded to intentionally trip down the stairs. He walked back inside and said "That should answer that," and everyone sat their uncomfortably until he looked closer at the paper and said, "oh, I thought it asked how long does it take to fall into a stair". Needless to say there was the longest uncomfortable silence, accompanied by a faint cough in the back...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fourstago
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2015
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Went better than I thought!

My wife and I were at the supermarket, when she looks at the list and announces "Oh, we need some juice concentrate."

I of course respond instantly by staring intently in the distance and stop walking.

She walks a few paces then looks at me confused. "Why did you stop walking?"

"You said we need concentrate."

"I know but..." then there's a long pause as she finally gets the joke. She responds by glaring at me and slapping the crap out of my shoulder.

Baby thought it was funny at least.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuntadaMan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
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A 16 year old's dadjoke

Please forgive me but I just found this subreddit and after seeing another post it reminded me.

When I was in high school I took American Sign Language as my foreign language. Taught my sister the alphabet and for about two months she refused to speak, only used the ASL alphabet. AFTER getting a little tired of it one day I put my hand over my eyes and screamed "I can't hear you!"

We may have both cracked up for about 10 minutes because this was not an intentional joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaylaDee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
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I think I got dad joked at lunch

I was waiting for my sandwich to heat up in the toaster oven and staring pretty intently at the melting cheese.

Suddenly a coworker walks by me and says "you know a watched sandwich never boils!"

He's not wrong...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nodataonmobile
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2014
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Tarmac jokes

Me: Dad, did that guy who was going to do our tarmac get back to you?

Dad: Nah, he never resurfaced.

I don't think it was intentional either (although he did take credit in the end)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukewizzy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
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Indiana Jones Dad Joke

I know its not intentional, but Henry Jones (Indiana's dad) makes a great dad joke. Here's the video: http://youtu.be/rUHZZwuybiY?t=23s

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πŸ‘€︎ u/comediekid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
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My husband dropped this one on my son today

My husband walks in the living room, holding a roll of toilet paper. He is staring at it intently, turning it over and over. Finally my son bites and says, "what are you doing?" My husband responds with, "I was just thinking, toilet paper, that's gotta be a shitty job." Then he smoothly walks out of the room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoonSpellsPink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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