As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.

I stand corrected

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.....

They didn’t like me critter sizing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/18021982
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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I was thrown out of the local park for arranging the squirrels by height...

Apparently they just can’t take a little critter-sizing!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sjdiver2001
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Rachel McAdams' height is 5'4, which is the average height of an american female.

She's a mean girl.

πŸ‘︎ 186
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noinks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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What's the height of stupidity?

2 bald men fighting over a comb

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.

It’s called the Redundant-Sea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pockets-sandy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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Patient goes to the doctor to talk about his crippling fear of heights.

Doctor: looking over the patients information Looks like you've gone from 5'10 to 5-

Patient: Starts screaming

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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Even though he had an extreme fear of heights, why did the butcher resolve to climb all the way up the ladder?

The steaks were too high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VNPimpinella
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/modestmolerat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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The average height of a dwarf is 3 feet

That's a little gnome fact

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tempsilon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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The heights people go to watch a game imgur.com/Ld0CsOD
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tkierk182
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.

It's all well now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Veni
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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True story. Needs your help to decide.

Driving home from the beach last week, my son said he'd like to sky dive. I told him he was crazy. And (here's where we need help) said "I'm not scared of heights". I said "neither am I. I'm scared of widths". We both laughed and couldn't decide if it was indeed a dad joke or not.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/murfstax
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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Two scientists are trying to come up with a way to measure temperature.

One shows the other a prototype thermometer.

"We haven't figured out what to call it yet, but I need you to tell me what temperature this room is when i turn off the air conditioner so it cools to room temperature."

The other scientist gives him the OK and he walks out of the room to turn off the heater.

"OK, what temperature is it?"

"There's no marks on it!" The other scientist replied.

"Well, tell me the height of the mercury on the inside, relative to length of the bottle!"

"Alright" The scientist says. "In that case, it's fair in height"

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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Plateaus...

They’re the height of flattery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bradfs14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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Six out of seven dwarves aren’t Happy.

This post was the height of humour.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avartes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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Math

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by
its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi.

If a cylinder of mozzarella has a radius of z and a height of a what is it volume?

pi z z a

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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Worldwide, I'm the best professional that uses stilts.

I'm at the height of my career.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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One day, I looked to my spine and said

Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FireyEmerald
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADAToTheMoon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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A bad pool

I recently bought a pool on Amazon and the height wasn't even close to what was advertised.

You can go there to read my review in depth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/solomonsaysgo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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So a frog walks into a bank

He walks up to Patricia Wack, the teller and says the following " My names Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger I know the manager here and I would like a $10,000 loan for a vacation". The teller replies "That's all well and good but we are going to need some collateral" "Got it right here" says the frog and pulls out a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about 1 inch in height perfectly formed. Confused by all of this the teller goes to the back of bank to the manager and says "there is a frog out there claiming to know you, says he is the son of Mick Jagger and wants a $10,000 loan and for collateral he gave us this." And shows him the elephant. The manager replies "It's a nick nack patty wack, give the frog a loan his old man is a rolling stone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dikchops7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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Told My First the Other Day

I've got a 13 month old daughter. She's awesome. Anyhow, she's only recently achieved table top height and likes to grab things off the edges (that was a scary development!) Anyhow, one time she grabbed the coffee grind tamper, dropped it and went "Bahhh!" and I said "Now you've lost your tamper."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Underwaterbob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
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I was over at a friend's house last night and she said she would never date a short man.

I told her that was the height of discrimination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/janus10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
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It's 'family field trip' day at a small Wisconsin school...

Some of the kids attending are:

Sally Buckteeth and her family of farmers,
Larry the Lefty and his fam of circus freaks,
And Johnny no-feet and his family of midgets.
They were all excited for their tour of the dairy farm, and the CEO himself stood up to speak: "OK, everyone, a few ground rules: due to the industrial nature of the farm, mandatory steel-toed boots and a minimum height requirement are in effect."
The assistant pipes up- "Sir, one of the kids can't attend the trip!"
CEO- "Oh no, which one?"

The assistant replied, " Little Johnny, the one that lacks toes and taller aunts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
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Attempted dadjoke failed.

Was at work when a co-worker tried to guess another co-workers height.

Her: "What are you, about 6' 3"?"

Him: "Yeah I'm 6' 3", your guess was right on the nose!"

Me: "Actually the top of the head, guessing 6' would probably be closer to the nose."

Them: "What?" They continued to stare at me with a confused expression until I just said never mind haha.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yensooo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
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r/puns can you help me out with one on height?

I'm texting a friend and made a joke about his height which he responded with "that's a low blow". I wanted to make a snappy comeback with something along the lines of "I guess you could say it was a _________" but I'm drawing a blank. Maybe you can help out? :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iHateTexting
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2013
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My girlfriend was trying to help me make the bed...

She's rather short and couldn't quite tuck the covers in on the far side of the bed. I made a comment about her height and she responds with:

"It's not my fault. It's out of my control."

"I understand, it's a problem that is out of your reach."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSupaHotFire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2014
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I had to ask my dad for help...

...getting a teacup off the top shelf in the cupboard. I complained about the lack of a stool or stepladder so I could reach those most important of cups. He handed me the cup and said "It's discrimination! Apart-height's a terrible thing"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pocketnotebook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2015
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My Old Testament Professor on Bildad the Shuhite

> You know, actually he was the shortest man on record in the Bible.

Shuhite

Shuheight

Shoe-Height

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yunotxgirl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2013
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How tall are you now?

As I was growing up, every once in a while my grandpa would remark that I was getting really big, acting really impressed at my height. He would ask how tall I was, and I would gleefully report my height, down to the half inch. "Wow," he would say... "I didn't know they stacked shit that high".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nichullus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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The (Incorrect) History of the Mongolian Empire

During the height of the Mongolian Empire's reign, the warriors would celebrate their victories by dancing in a line behind their great emperor.

They called it a Khan-go line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasatoKyoto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
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Adam Baldwin

I was reading aloud through a website about celebrity heights, and came across the list of Baldwins. Alec and Billy I knew to be brothers. Adam was a new one to me.

"Adam Baldwin," I said. "Is he a brother, too?"

"No, I'm pretty sure he's white," said Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pretzelzetzel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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My wife can even make dad jokes!

I was telling her about a $10,000 scissor lift that ferrari dealers have to buy to work on the Ferrari Enzo.

Me: "To even change the oil, the dealer has to buy that lift to get the car up to working height."

Wife: "That sounds like some expensive overhead."

Me: High five

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ponyflash
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2014
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Rock-Jumping.

Context: A friend and I were discussing jumping from rocks into the sea.

Friend: I was scared jumping from that height, and [another friend] jumped from much higher than I did. I don't know how he did it.

Me: Probably with his legs...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FailcopterWes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2014
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At an Italian restaurant,

Waitress: Would you like some parmesan cheese?

Father: Yes thank you.

[Waitress begins grating the parmesan at an unusually high height, above my father's (seated) head.]

Father: Hold it closer, it'll be fresher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pickleops
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.

They didn't like me critter sizing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiskeyChugger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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I just found out people work on top of Burj Khalifa.

I can't believe the heights some people would go to just to earn some money.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theragingrocksta
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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