The Haves and the Have Nots Puns

A list of puns related to "The Haves and the Have Nots"

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

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👤︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
📅︎ Jan 10 2021
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It has recently been discovered that William Tell and his son belonged to a bowling league. But Swiss historians have not been able to determine the name of the league's sponsors.

We may never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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👤︎ u/klwill1192
📅︎ Oct 19 2020
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If Hermes was the messenger god, the he sure was lucky not to have met the god of pain and old age...

Arthrites.

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👤︎ u/elliptical_orbit
📅︎ Dec 24 2020
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I have a horse that's really asthmatic and I'm scared it may not make it. The vet prescribed some

bronco-die-laters

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👤︎ u/Letthembeefcake
📅︎ Oct 25 2020
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A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

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👤︎ u/jigsatics
📅︎ Oct 07 2020
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My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didn’t laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...

It must have been the delivery...

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👤︎ u/madazzahatter
📅︎ Aug 26 2020
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My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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👤︎ u/sarcasticpremed
📅︎ Sep 08 2020
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I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I replied, “Don’t call me son, you’re not my dad.” He scratched his head and said...

“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

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👤︎ u/madazzahatter
📅︎ May 14 2020
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I have three different levels of tan on me. One level is my arms and legs from wearing a shirt and shorts. The next level is from not wearing a shirt at the beach. And the last is under my shorts.

I’m neapoliTAN!

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👤︎ u/The_Bored-biker
📅︎ Jul 21 2020
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Beelieve me or not there is a small ball of pollen in the beehind legs of the bees and they also have the abeelity to eat it
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👤︎ u/BilakshanP
📅︎ Mar 21 2020
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What is something that the people of Dubai and the people of Abu Dhabi do not have in common?

The people of Dubai do not like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Doo.

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👤︎ u/RoosterIllu5ion
📅︎ Apr 24 2020
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Dogs can not contract coronavirus and do not have to quarantined anymore according to the world health organization

To clarify, WHO let the dogs out

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👤︎ u/wallaster27
📅︎ Apr 19 2020
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Scientists and programmers have gotten together to write computer code that will not only warn of future global warming but also take credit for inventing the internet.

It's an new Al-Gore-rithm

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👤︎ u/jonnyprophet
📅︎ Nov 23 2019
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As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush (good horror movie titles, btw)...

It's plumb crazy, but I have pipe dreams!

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👤︎ u/thomasbrakeline
📅︎ Jul 28 2019
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I got in a car accident last week and things have just been really tough. They can’t find any parts for it because the manufacturer went out of business a few years ago and not having a vehicle is really putting a strain on my work and family. It’s just a lot to handle.

Sorry for the Saab story.

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👤︎ u/Tx_Deception_Tx
📅︎ Aug 04 2017
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Driving in the car and my Dad has suddenly just announced ‘my nickname is Spider-Man. Not because I have any special powers, it’s because I can’t get out of the bath’.
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👤︎ u/StickyBellyFlapCock
📅︎ Nov 08 2017
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Calvin, though not himself a dad, did have the best trainer. And it shows.
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👤︎ u/ekyris
📅︎ Nov 07 2013
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