As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said, "Have a good day son."

"Don't call me son, you're not my dad.!!" I said.

As the lift door closed, he looked me in the eye and said, "I brought you up, didn't I ?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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Being a parent is hard - my son won't ever let me have a good night's sleep; so when my wife came home the other day and asked why I was so red...

I told her I was just completely sunburnt

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OK_lp
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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A guyโ€™s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...

Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ProjectOcoee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thebikerdad
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 06 2020
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I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, โ€œHave a good day, son.โ€ I replied, โ€œDonโ€™t call me son, youโ€™re not my dad.โ€ He scratched his head and said...

โ€œNo, but I brought you up, didnโ€™t I?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2020
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My son asked me, โ€œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?โ€ I said, โ€œGo on, then.โ€ He shouted, โ€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!โ€ I laughed, โ€œThatโ€™s Superman.โ€

He said, โ€œThanks dad, Iโ€™ve been practicing a lot.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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My son went to a good school before the shutdown.

But now his school is virtually the best.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/1manmob
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Son: Dad, according to the manual, itโ€™s not a good idea to have the volume of your phone turned up to the maximum.

Dad: Thatโ€™s sound advice.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
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My son keeps trying to swim inside the house... So I came up with this idea that Iโ€™m starting to feel REALLY GOOD about.

In door fins!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fatherfinger420
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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Son eat the vegetables,they're good for you

But dad,they taste just like regular people.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ferkeshu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son" reddit.com/r/Jokes/commenโ€ฆ
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tskcool
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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If you hear something, say something

I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.

This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.

Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.

So I said to the French girl, ยซquelque choseยป. Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"

I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.

A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. ยซquelque choseยป is the French phrase for "something".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mermaldad
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/m_bowker-brown
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said โ€œThatโ€™s good son, maybe next time youโ€™ll get a talking role!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Many years after the great flood, God came to Noah again and spoke: โ€œNoah, it is my wish that you build another ark.โ€

Rather worried, Noah said โ€œBut my Lord, have the people not been good this time? Must there be another flood?โ€

โ€œNo, there will not be a flood, the people have been good.โ€ Said the Lord.

โ€œThen why another ark?โ€ Asked Noah.

โ€œI wish for this ark to only house fish.โ€ The Lord replied.

A slightly confused Noah responded โ€œOkay... I shall do as you wish my Lord.โ€

โ€œBut not just any fish; only carp.โ€ The Lord said unto him.

Noah, now more bemused, replied โ€œUh- okay my Lord.โ€

โ€œOne more thing.โ€ The Lord said unto him โ€œit needs to have multiple levels.โ€

โ€œAre you sure my Lord? What is the purpose of this? What on earth is it all for?โ€ Noah pressed.

And God said: โ€œI want you to build a multi-story carp-ark.โ€

Passed from my father unto me, to pass onto my son when he becomes a father.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dongwaffler
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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My dad was once playing the Game Of Life.

But strangely, he kept a dictionary as the only other player. I asked him what he was doing.

He said, โ€œSon, in this game of life, you just need to play with words to make a good dad-joke!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/keychainoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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True story: eggcellent yokes

My son and I love good egg pun Dad jokes. We got it going the other day and my wife rolled her eyes. He asked her, "which joke didn't you like?"

She replied "all ovum"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/erleichda70-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KW-DadJoker
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2020
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My six year old son asked me about the Beatles pandemic song

Me: โ€œPandemic song? Beatles? Huh?โ€

Son: โ€œYou know... We All Live In a Yellow Quarantine...โ€

Me: โ€œGAAAAAA!!!!โ€

Iโ€™ve never been more proud. The student has become the teacher.

Oh, and good luck getting that out of your head.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 20 2020
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Asurarkt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

I grimaced, "We haven't got a son."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2020
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A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there, he's not misbehaving"

The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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While making pancakes for my sone today:

Son- Papa why was the pancake good at baseball?

Me- I don't know bud. Why?

So- it had a good Batter...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Yeoshua82
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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"Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now itโ€™s gone."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sajid786farz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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Why don't Angels use umbrellas?

Because they're too holy.

My son popped this one on me while we were getting soaked in the rain the other day. Not only was it a good joke, but I was proud that he was joking in what was other wise a cold and uncomfortable experience.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/neybar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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My dad called me at 6:30 am today to tell me this. He's in his 50's, I'm 30...

"Good morning, son!"

Hey, Dad, what's up? (Wondering if something bad is up)..

"So, you know why it's never a good idea to get in an argument with your dad?"

(I'm still groggy waking up) Why, Dad?

"Because he already knows all the 'Your Mom' jokes, and you definitely don't want to hear them from him! Ahahahaha!!" /hangs up on me.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/frodohaskids
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
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Naming our future children.

Told my girlfriend I had some ideas for names for our future kids.

First was Penelope for a girl, because I always liked the nickname Penny. Girlfriend thought it was cute and agreed.

Next was Dimitri because it's not too common and sounds artsy. Girlfriend was not much of a fan, but agreed it would sound good with our last name.

Last was Nicholas Levar for a son's name. Named after Santa Claus and Star Trek's Geordi La Forge. I love Christmas and my girlfriend loves Star Trek. Girlfriend shot it down.

At this point I said, "But the nicknames are good! Penny, Dime, and Nick L. We would have 16 cents to our name! It makes cents to me!"

Not sure if she wants to have kids with me now.


EDIT: To the guys saying Dime isn't a nickname for Dimitri, they're MY imaginary kids, I'll call them what I damn want.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LADeviation
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 25 2015
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A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/U2BURR
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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T-Rexes hunting for dinner

This is my dad's favorite dad joke.

A teenage T-Rex named Maynard and his father were out looking for dinner.

"Oh hey, dad! Look! A stegosaurus! That'd be good!"

"My Maynard son, no. That would be so hard to chew. There's so much armor there."

A little while later:

"Dad, check it. A big old nest of Pteranadons! Chicken tonight!"

"No, my Maynard son. They would fly too fast, and we cannot reach up there with our arms."

Finally, "Dad! Dad! Check it out! A herd of brontosaurus! It'd be so easy!"

"No, my Maynard son. Brontosaurus ribs take a long time to properly age before they're good eating. Everyone knows this."

The teenage T-Rex stomped and roared, "Daaad, what are we doing? There's stuff right here to eat! What the hell are you looking for, anyway?"

The elder T-Rex shook his head and said, "Carrion, my Maynard son."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thealmightymalachi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Talk with my son...

Had this conversation with my son last night, he's been on a dad joke kick for the last six months, most of the time they fail miserably.

Son: Dad, do you know what a good noun is?

Me(rolling eyes, knowing where this is going): No, what?

Son: a Pronoun.

Me (with all seriousness): Bud, that was terrible.

Son: You know what else is terrible?

Me (wishing this was over): Ugg, What?

Son: Paper.

Dear Son, you ever read this I couldn't have been more proud. You had me giggling the rest of the night.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/comiccaper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the strangerโ€™s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasnโ€™t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didnโ€™t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 67
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Doty152
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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My Jewish friend got his son the best 13th birthday gift.

So his son plays baseball and his mitt was in rough condition. They make these little boxes for baseball mitts that put out heat, humidity, and massage the mitt slightly to keep it in good condition. They're pretty small and can fit on a kitchen counter top. It's best to keep them near the sink to refill the water reservoir when it gets low. It's helpful if it's like right above the sink. My friend had put his on the bar behind the sink.

It was seriously the nicest bar mitt spa I had ever seen!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AJordanCarroll
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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Old Robinhood

In a village just outside Sherwood Forest lived Old Robinhood, he had lived a very exciting life with his band of merry men, and his cause of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor and had a fantastic time doing it. He even had a sign outside his door that said, Robinhood, Bandit - but somehow the law never seemed to have noticed and he had lived in plain sight, doing good deeds, giving away money anonymously and living for the cause.

But now age had started to catch up and not being as nimble as he once was close escapes had started to get uncomfortably close. So he decided to retire and hand over the leadership of his band to his son.

So, Robin called his son over to him and said, โ€˜Son, I want you to take over from me as leader of the merry men. Steal and pillage all you want, but never forget the cause - we only take from the rich to give to the poorโ€™.

โ€˜Father, I will do as you sayโ€™ said Robinโ€™s son whose name was Robinson, โ€˜but tell me one thing, why do you stay anonymous when giving money away?

Why not let people know of your good deeds - you have a sign outside that says bandit and youโ€™ve never been caught, why not add the cause to the sign and say โ€˜Robinhood, Bandit, steals from the rich to give to the poorโ€™?

โ€˜Fool, screamed Robin, if you put the cause over the sign then you will get caughtโ€™

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Yakapuka11
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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A man goes to see his father at his parents house

They both sit and start chatting

Son : how was your doctors appointment?

Dad: good!the doctor gave me different medication for my memory loss

Son : oh really ? What are the name of the pills?

Dad : ( struggling to remember ) oohh...uhhh.... something to do with flowers but I canโ€™t remember

Son: tulips ?

Dad: no , theyโ€™re very popular and everyone loves them .

Son : daisies?

Dad : no! They are bright red and romantic

Son : rose ?

Dad: YES. He loudly yells ROSE, WHAT ARE THE PILLS CALLED THAT THE DOCTOR GAVE ME?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MNMKandyKane
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2019
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Dad usually types on his phone with one finger.โ€ฆ

...until today when I caught him texting with both his thumbs.

Being the sarcastic smart are son of his, I asked " when did you learn to type with both thumbs?" he smiled and happily replied: "The day I learned I was Ambi'text'rous".

He laughed for about 5 minutes and proceeded on to tell mum and my brother about his funny pun

Good one dad.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cheesues
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
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Found out last night that my 7 year old son is a dad

On our last day of a three day trip at Disneyland, my 7 year old revealed his inner father to my wife.

>wife: This backpack is good but could use more shoulder padding.

Son, with a shit eatin' grin, walks up and pats her on the shoulders.

I have never been so proud.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jessesc123
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
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He believed it for years!

As a kid I loved to get the sunday comics from the paper and read Calvin and Hobbes. I loved it so much my parents would get me the compilation books as gifts for birthdays and christmas. I always thought it was funny when Calvin would ask his dad how "x" works. One day my son when he was about 6 years old asked my why some TV shows were in black and white. Inspired by this calvin and hobbes comic where Calvin's dad explains why photos are black and white. http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/ch/1993/ch930919.gif

I decided to do the same thing to my kid. I told him that the world was black and white back then and that things didn't start to become in color for decades later. I got a good chuckle out of it, but because he was so young, I didn't realize that he actually believed it. I soon forgot that I told him the world was black and white. When he was about 11 or 12, one day I got a call from my wife and she asked me, "Did you tell your son that the world used to be black and white?" I start laughing immediately and said yes! How did you know? She said because your son is writing an essay about how the world used to be black and white for school and he asked me what year the world became color. He believed that for like 6 years!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 537
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jimillett
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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I just delivered my first of many dad jokes!

My first son was just born two days ago, still in hospital with him and this exchange went down while he was on my lap:

Gfs brother: "The suns getting real low, <gfs name>"

Gf: "The suns gone at this point honestly"

Me: "Nawh, he's right here!"

It got a good reaction!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 30
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pistolpetematty
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

โ€ฆ u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Skormes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, youโ€™re allowed to watch the TV all you wantโ€ฆ Just donโ€™t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why donโ€™t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I donโ€™t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that societyโ€™s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didnโ€™t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasnโ€™t offered a job? They just couldnโ€™t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteriesโ€ฆ Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rivalโ€™s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. โ€œWHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?โ€ But this god, like all gods, is nothingโ€”just my sonโ€™s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/vorschlaghammer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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In my family, we like to ridicule whoever gets the fewest amount of gifts at Christmas.

(This is a true story.)

Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.

We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.

Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.

This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.

We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".

P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jbenz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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Dad, what's a pronoun?

Well son, it is a noun so good at what it does that others pay it to be in the sentence.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ETwasMyFriend
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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My son asked me, โ€œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?โ€ I said, โ€œGo on, then.โ€ He shouted, โ€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!โ€ I laughed, โ€œThatโ€™s Superman!โ€

He replied, โ€œThanks dad! Iโ€™ve been practicing a lot!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 742
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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A Father says to his son.....

"Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving." The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/B-man44
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Son: Dad, don't you think you've eaten enough?

Dad: Son, it's good to live life to the fullest.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 61
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jnewguyen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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A joke for fathers day.

"Dad, are bugs good to eat?โ€ asked the boy.

โ€œWe don't talk about such things at the dinner table, son,โ€ his father replied.

After dinner the father inquired, โ€œNow, son, what did you want to ask me?โ€

โ€œOh, nothing,โ€ the boy said. โ€œThere was a bug in your soup, but now itโ€™s gone.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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