Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"

"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsradford
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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Which one of the flight attendants is a crossdresser?

Stewart is.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ppardee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?

Put me in coach.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KinkyWaluigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."

The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fearless-Gas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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The Flight Attendant kept making jokes...

But none of them seem to have landed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OptimisticAlone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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What did John Fogerty say when the flight attendant told him they were overbooked for First Class seats?

"Put me in coach"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ramza_Claus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2017
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I requested the flight attendant to switch my seat as I was next to a screaming baby.

Apparently you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
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What did the peanut say to the flight attendant?

Ugh, I hate flying, I never have enough legume

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisotterbefun
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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On my way back from Thanksgiving holiday, the flight had to make a slightly hard landing due to the crosswind. Then the flight attendant announces: " Sorry for the slightly bumpy landing. It wasn't the Captain's fault, most definitely not the my fault...

It was the Asphalt."

The whole flight lost it. It was glorious :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sagarreddit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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He enjoyed his new job as a flight attendant on a Transgalactic Express ship. He enjoyed the variety of species & sentients he got to meet. Except for the Plort, who ate large quantities of raw dead flesh.

They always made him put their carrion overhead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnabbe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
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Charlie Brown wanted to go on an airplane

The flight attendant said, "Sorry sir, this is a peanut-free flight."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMLGRogue76
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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The plane I was on had a fairly hard landing...

Flight attendant gets on the intercom:

β€œThat was not the Captain’s fault. That was not our fault. That was the asphalt.”

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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I was checking in to a flight and the time came to pick a seat

The flight attendant asked "Window or aisle?"

To which I replied "Window or you'll what?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThirteenthBingpot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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A vulture tried to board a plane

A vulture tried to board a plane carrying two dead raccoons, but the flight attendant stopped it and said, "Sorry, we only allow one carrion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudkipz1956
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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Where were you while we were getting high?

So I was on the red-eye flying overseas to meet my buddies for an epic roadtrip adventure. I got me a first class ticket because YOLO and I always wanted to try those convertible seat/beds.

So in the morning the flight attendants serve breakfast, which includes this tasty soup with poached egg in it. They offered drinks and they had champagne so I thought why the hell not.

There were delays and when we finally landed and I got to our meet up place, my mates were already there and gotten the bong out.

They said, "Where were you while we were getting high?"

"I was having..." and I turned to them, took my sunglasses off, and said, "champagne, soup and ova in the sky."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaudette
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2015
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On a plane getting ready to take off...

When the flight attendant says that she needs a verbal yes from those sitting in the exit aisle if they are willing to participate. I hear this middle aged dad behind me. "Verbal Yes"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boss_naas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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It was just plane funny.

Flight attendant: can I get you a beverage, sir?

Some guy: coke please

Flight attendant: okay would you like it in the can?

Some guy: uh, no, right here is fine. xD

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2014
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Bad Dad Joke Friday Winner

A vulture was boarding a plane with a racoon in each hand. The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, sir. Only one carion is allowed per passenger. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krissyfer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2015
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My dad on an airplane 10 years ago

My dad told me this, never registered in my brain that it was a dad joke until just now. He worked in Memphis, TN but we lived north of Little Rock, AR, so he would hop a 30 minute flight on weekends on a super small commercial jet to come home.

One time there were literally no other passengers on the flight (12-20 passenger plane IIRC). The flight attendant told him "you're our only passenger, pick whatever seat you'd like"

He looked to his left and said "He's in my seat" and pointed to the pilot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IONTOP
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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Negativity joke from my dad. (as emailed)

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

scroll down.....

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joe630
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
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