My friend asked me how the text-to-speech feature works on his phone, but I didn't bother explaining it to him.

It speaks for itself.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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What geological feature has the deepest sense of humour?

sarchasm

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beebeebobo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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Has anyone heard about the new feature on computers to pander toward the newer generation?

It's called Ctrl-ALT-YEET.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrueDitty
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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I travel around the country giving seminars on the beneficial features of dried grapes.

I’m in the business of raisin awareness.

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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Hello! I thought that maybe some of you lovely punny people might want to support my enamel pin kickstarter as they feature these pun-tastic grumpy woodland animals πŸ˜„ I’ll put the link in the comments
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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I was hoping to buy a new car but I was after decent onboard storage so after the salesman specified lots of features about it, I asked "Cargo space?"

He replied "Car no do that, car no fly"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
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Messing with the new messenger features.
πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cycleangelo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
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"The Epic Split" featuring Jean Claude Van Damme
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/michael_v92
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Did you see the porno featuring shapes?

At first I really didn't get it but in the end it came full circle.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills

But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Wholesome story with a moral, featuring the C programming language reddit.com/r/ProgrammerDa…
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/citewiki
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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Need a short Pun involving Dinosaurs and Space?

I just need a very short pun involving space and dinosaurs to go on the cover of an adventure book im writing for kids.

"A roarsome adventure" is too cliche and I'd like space to be featured somewhere. But there isn't a lot of room.

Thanks for any help, don't worry about them being dumb as a dumb pun could inspire a decent one :)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mikomiji
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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I’m working on a children’s book featuring a colorful vowel as the main character...

It’s just about red e.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arachidamiae
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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The movie "Unbreakable" would have been very different if it had featured a glass blower.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenimMan13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
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I bought a fancy new toaster...

Despite all the new features, I was pretty shocked to find out it wasn’t waterproof.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SyncingShiip
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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When I was little, we went to an outdoor lecture featuring the original cast of Star Trek. I was especially excited to see Bones. Unfortunately, we were seated toward the side of the amphitheater, where huge oaks had been planted to frame the stage.

As a result, I couldn't see DeForest through the trees

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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Two travelers are lost in the woods when they come across a man lying in their path.
         One says, β€œWe’re saved! We can ask him for directions!” His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
          β€œDoesn’t something seem off to you about this man?” he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
          β€œWhat do you mean?” said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
          β€œI mean we can’t trust a thing he says. He’s a pathological lier.”
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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Are you a Skydiver who got featured on the news? Because your drop dead gorgeous.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NerdyKateAvenue
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2018
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Puns in newspapers

Hi everybody! I absolutely need to find some puns featured in the headlines of the English newspapers. It would be nice if they referred to current topics such as Boris Johnson or Harry and Meghan. Could anyone help me? I'd appreciate that.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Padman96
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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This Joke Lacks Bite

There are rumors of yet another Bill and Ted Sequel following the one in production. Reportedly, it will feature an older, toothless Keanu Reeves who is fighting with his insurance company.

Yeah, the working title: Billin' Ted for Bogus Dentures.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P33J
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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Apparently an unaired episode of Next Generation featured a genestealer villain who tried to make evil clones of the Enterprise's crew.

they say he was hoist by his own Picard...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpacemanBates
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2016
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When hearing on the news that there would be Russian plays featuring many Tsars at the Olympics

my dad said, "wow, all Tsar cast."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolfric_stormbro
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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Aquarium humor needed

I work at an Aquarium. Our sister site is a Zoo, and when we have quarterly meetings for all staff members, they call the meeting State of the Zoonion.

I am really trying to come up with a comparable name for our Aquarium all-staff meeting that features some good Aquarium/fish humor. Help!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smokyburgundy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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Beautiful dad joke delivery on Australian national TV last night

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSf00ewCiko&feature=youtu.be&t=180

Includes all the important aspects of a good dad joke:

  • Innocent setup by unsuspecting teammate
  • Perfect delivery of terrible dad joke
  • High five from another shameless dad nearby
  • Look of severe disapproval from contest judge who can't believe you just did that in front of your entire country
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/p-hodge
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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My roommate just Dadjoked me.

"Hey, there's a new feature in the house. You can use your phone to turn off the lights."

He then proceeded to press his phone against the lightswitch and walk upstairs giggling.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N0vAix
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
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When you're an entomologist, your girlfriend calls you to save her every time there's a bug in her house

Any time there's an insect in my girlfriend's house she calls me over to handle it, usually to cup it and throw it outside. On this fine occasion I observed what looked like a very small roach (Order: Blattodea), possibly a german roach, the kind that are much less freaky huge but more likely to infest a house. Not wanting to take any chances with a german roach infestation, I immediately smashed the little guy instead of saving him.

My GF asks, "what was it? a roach?"

The body is pretty squished and it's hard to see any identifiable features.

I say, "I'm pretty sure it's a Splattodea"

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobosaurusRex2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2017
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Invisible Man

I was walking past a bookstore with my father in law today. He looked in the window and saw a display of books that featured Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. My FIL said, "I tried reading Invisible Man years ago and I don't know, I just couldn't... I didn't really..." He struggled for words.

"You couldn't see the point?" I prompted with a grin.

He continued on for a moment till he saw me wagging my eyebrows and it hit him. I feel like I made him proud.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuillofNumenor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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Science Puns

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.


The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”


Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!


How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.


What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O too” β€” and he died.


A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.


Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your β€œstyle.”


I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.


I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.


Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.


Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.


Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.


What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!


A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies β€œFor you, no charge”.


Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: β€œOh, no, I think I lost an electron.” β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYe

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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What do you call the rich elites in China?
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kosmozoan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
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About the newest Microsoft patch

Microsoft confirms that there's an issue with their most recent patch: it can corrupt Windows installations. A Microsoft developer by the name of Benedict [Last name withheld due to reddit rules] admitted that the code he wrote was faulty and could lead to corruption of some system files. However, Microsoft still recommends downloading the patch, since these cases are rare, and a tool that repairs affected installations will be available by tomorrow, and can easily be downloaded, since the faulty patch doesn't break any Internet features. Microsoft estimates that only 0.002% of Windows installations will be affected, and that on all other PCs, the patch does fix the bug it addresses. Although some sources on the net claim otherwise, Microsoft states that...

Benedict's Blunder Patch is low-key.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2015
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Wife and I were talking about our new child

Yesterday, my wife and I were talking about what features our two month old got from each of us.

Her: I think she has my features over your bone structure

Me: That makes sense; it was my bone structure that made her.

I got a groan and a "I am putting that on the internet" from her.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beerwave
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
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For World Book Day, I dressed as a wardrobe. People asked me why I didnt dress as a lion or witch...

I've never seen them feature in the IKEA catalogue.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sigurkarm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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Request for Donald Trump puns.

Producing a amateur stage show which features Mr Trump. He ends the show setting up a small shop/fast food /grocery shop in a small rural location.

What would his shop be called? Hit me with your puns!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oldmacd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2015
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My tour guide just did this dadjoke

So we were in glenwood springs and went into the caves. It seemed like a really normal tour and just as we're about to exit, the guide tells us to put our ears on the wall of the cave. We all did assuming it was some cool feature of the cave. The guide asks us what we think we're listening to. Some reply water and others reply erosion. The guide tells us we're wrong and all we're doing is listening to hard rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sohamtamhane
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2015
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Need help finding a pun about counterfeiting

For my english class, I have to write a feature article. The headline has to be punny, so much that it's almost cringy. I can't use "Friend or Faux". I had "Dirty trade for a clean profit!" but it doesn't really make sense. Thanks people!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/colorlessbacon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
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This dad got a police dispatcher good..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJh4XyZhD58&feature=youtu.be

Worth the :19 second watch. Don't watch in a place you don't want to be caught giggling out loud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmonkey86
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2015
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Out-dad joked my dad about car names the other day

My parents were visiting me, and my mom's been looking at a new vehicle, specifically a Toyota Rav4. As she's not the most tech-savvy, she got one of the paper brochures from the dealership about the features available.

Being marketing literature for a small SUV, there were plenty of pictures of people running, hiking, and being active. My dad looks at it and goes: "so is this the Toyota for runners?" I immediately said "No, that's probably the Toyota 4runner".

My mom cracked up. My dad just groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tullyswimmer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2016
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At brunch today...

My girlfriend was going to order the White Beet Soup, and I asked if it came with a side of M&Ms.

Her: "why would it come with M&Ms?"

Me: "well I thought Eminem would be prominently featured in something filled with white beats."

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mtocz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
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We just a new heat pump installed in our house.

My dad was telling me all the fancy features and telling me how efficient it is compared to our old gas furnace.

Me: Well it sounds like we are going to saving a bunch of money on our heating bill! That's awesome.

Dad: yeah it's super efficient. So I'm pretty pumped!

Me: -_-

Dad: shit eating grin and a good chuckle

Me: god dammit dad

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
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A joke my dad made while playing a game of Trivial Pursuit

The question was something like: "What was the name of the soap opera that featured an episode about a woman who had breast cancer and had to get a mastectomy?"

His answer: "The Young and the Breastless"

Still a classic dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pixel_Knight
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Got my friends today in maths

We were wondering what the most advanced calculator was that we can still use in exams.

Our teacher showed us a calculator with a lot of advanced features (e.g. differentiation, integration, matrices) and said "You're allowed to use ones like these but I don't think you can have graphing calculators."

To which I said "So that's where they draw the line."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfb1337
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my SO while waiting for takeout.

We're sitting near the entrance of the restaurant when another couple walks in and gets seated. They didn't close the door all the way, and an unpleasant breeze started rolling in. My SO got up and closed the door. As he does down, we have this exchange:

>Me: Thanks, I appreciate it.

>SO: Yeah, nobody likes a draft.

>Me: Well, nobody except the general.

He got silent and I could see the pain in his features.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eccitaze
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
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Dad jokes at the Indian restaurant.

At a local indian food buffet. We've been there a few times, but today the food is a little better. I compliment the food to the waiter and he tells me they're trying new things and aside from a few main dishes, every day will be different. He's really pushing us to come back the next day because the next day will feature lots of goat dishes. As soon as he leaves, i tell everyone.

"You know what really gets my goat? A guy who wants me to get his goat."

BONUS: They were out of bread and when I asked why I didn't bring anyback to the table, I said there was NAAN.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeTheBum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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Movie Time With Dad

My mom was controlling the PPV feature on TV and we decided on Divergent. Mom hits purchase movie and a message pops up that says "purchase successful" Dad: "Successful? I thought we were going to watch Divergent"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamPandemic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
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Figured I'd share the Dad joke I told to my fellow runners while running an endurance course.

I ran a local Tough Mudder-like race in September (called Boldr Dash) which featured many obstacles over a four mile course. One of the obstacles was a huge ladder made out of tires that we had to climb up and over. While waiting my turn to climb it, I turned to the line and said "I hope nobody's TIRED!"

The combination of fatigue and disgust at my joke was everyone's reaction. A group groan, it was beautiful!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealSteele
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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Classic dad joke in an old episode of the PBS children's cartoon "George Shrinks"
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/proletarium
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2014
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"Where are the kids?"

I can't quite figure where this joke belongs, but it occurs in this one minute clip featuring a mountain lion. The answer this dad gives to his wife about where the kids are had me rolling:

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33251042

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jayjacks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?

Because if he lifted the other leg, he'd fall down.
My dad actually sent this joke to NPR a few years ago and it was featured. They asked "why does a flamingo stand on one leg?" quite seriously and my dad sent in that awesome answer.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slinckkey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2013
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Dad joked my wife regarding a restaurant review

My wife and I love trying new restaurants, so she was excited to tell me about a review she read about a local place that featured food from Laos.

Naturally, I had to ask: "Did the critic think the food was Laos-y?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrdm242
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2014
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Great Dadjoke Video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDNK59Whxt4&feature=youtu.be

This isn't my video but I saw it the other day and knew it belonged on this subreddit.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjddkk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2014
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