"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"
>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<
The bitter, better-batter bought her butter!
Happy No L!
I told him they were the letters of recommendation.
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
I keep hearing about the capital insect erection.
It was a stock exchange.
The cop said, “Sir, that’s not how you play the race card.”
Dad: you should probably drive, running that far seems like a lot of unnecessary work.
They always wanted everything to be just soy.
A lobbyist
I guess, I've got to start again from scratch.
He was the greatest Metro Gnome ever.
Me: step 1, buy a boat.
Just happened. Not an official dad yet but she’s 6 months pregnant. Got to get the practice in while I can.
It stopped me from streaking.
Keep in mind, my son is 4 years old, so everything is an original to him.
I had to work late into the evening yesterday, and he was just going to bed when I got home. I had left home for the office nearly 14 hours prior, had a long day, lots of meetings, traffic, etc.
When I walked through the door, I was exhausted, run down, and starving. My wife hugged me and asked how my day was, and I replied, "Done. It was a good day, but has got me exhausted. I just want to grab a bite and go to bed. I'm hungry."
From my son's bedroom, I hear him shout, "Hi Hungry! Nice to meet you!"
Not only did it make me laugh, but I completely forgot about how hungry and tired I was. I went to his bedroom, and we laughed together about it. It was exactly what I needed.
Edit: Thanks for all the awards, kind strangers! I'll let my son know y'all enjoyed his joke too!
It's keyboard themed.
I chose spelling.
Because all the trash is in the White House.
We've just finished our thanksgiving shopping, when we pass by the Turkish embassy. My dad then exclaims, "I guess that's where we should've gotten the turkey!"
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
But if I’m being objective, I’d say The Whom.
Dad: If she needs the car, maybe you should drive there.
this joke is so bad that it deserves an f
“... I cantaloupe”
Say "I bet $10 on the one with the knife", and both will run away
Because 20/20 vision means you have perfectly good sight.
Pun on a pun: I wonder if RealClearPolitics.com will catch on.
Her: This one's the Japanese embassy, this one's the Belgian embassy, this one's the Finnish embassy...
Me: The Finnish embassy? Where's the start embassy?
Her: .......
Me: :D
"namaste in Baltimore, thanks"
http://imgur.com/szcPODP
I need to catch some Zs.
I guess mail scattered boldness runs in the family.
The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.
I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.
I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.
Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.
Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.
Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.
I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.
The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.
The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.
The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.
The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.
The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.
The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.
Two fae fell in love. They keep fauning over each other.
The knight suffered from boils, he had to get them lanced.
Why did the wood nymph use some much lotion? Because she had dryad skin.
The first melon says: " You are the best thing that ever happened to me! I can't wait to marry you! All this planning for our big wedding is so stressful and expensive. Why don't we just run off and get married??"
The second melon replies: "I can't elope."
There was no body, arms or legs to him but he was functioning normal and his parents loved him. On his 21st birthday his dad took him to a bar, bought him a beer and gave it to him to drink. Suddenly his torso grew out of his head. Around him amazed the bar started chanting “Drink, Drink!” His dad got a second beer and gave it to him, this time he grew arms and hands. The stunned crowd all chanted again “Drink, Drink” He got his third beer and drank it himself with his new hands, suddenly legs and feet grew. The crowd applauded and cheered. The son couldn’t believe it and started to run. He ran around in circles and then out of the bar. Unfortunately he ran into the road, got hit by a truck and was killed instantly. The barman looked at his dad, sighed and said “He should have quit while he was a head”
Fists were flying, legs were kicking. People were running to and fro. Some to join the fighting, others to escape it.
2 dozen cops appeared on the scene and began breaking it up. One tackled me to the ground and shoved my face onto the concrete. And I came to a realization:
Pavement doesn't taste like mint at all.
Dave Ponder is running for senator, but he and Sharon don't have any children. They want to be seen as a typical political family at any cost, and want to adopt. They stop by an adoption agency.
Dave talks with the administrator and mentions he's in a bit of a hurry with a photo shoot scheduled for next month. Reece, one of the little boys, overhears the conversation and says he'd be happy to be adopted. That was the moment that he became....
an emergency Reece Ponder.
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas
She said, "Speaking...?"
I said, "English."
No-el no-L
