A truck carrying Worcestershire sauce crashed the other day. The dispatcher asked for the situation

The officer replied: β€œIt’s hard to say”

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommyWiseaus_butt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.

The dispatcher replied, β€œSo... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Police were dispatched to the local daycare this morning.

Turns out a 3 year-old was resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/devnodegree
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Punny plumber

A plumber is finishing up his last job of the day when he gets a call from his dispatcher to install a water heater. He argues, but the dispatcher says everyone else has gone home and it’s marked as urgent. The plumber concedes the argument and says β€œIt’s a tankless job, but somebody’s gotta do it”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LarsBlackman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke.

"Don't worry, sir," reassured the dispatcher. "Emergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive."

"How long will the ambulance be?" the man asked.

"About eighteen feet," replied the dispatcher.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Muchacho1994
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/heythereanny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad called the Police today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs..."

"That's terrible," the woman dispatcher on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," Dad said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

πŸ‘︎ 442
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fr_Time
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2016
🚨︎ report
Warlord assassination attempt gone terribly wrong.

A navy SEAL sniper was dispatched from a submarine on the coast of Africa with the mission of traveling inland to quietly take out a warlord. His only link to his superiors on the submarine was cellular messaging device. He arrived and had to lay in cover for days. A pride of lions eventually settled around him, making him very nervous. Circumstances then necessitated immediate action so the commander sent the SEAL messages ordering him to clear the area before the strike. Being in the midst of the pride the soldier couldn't move to check his phone. He then perished in the attack.

However, this is not the first person to miss the subtext because they couldn't read between the lions.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/possferatu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
This dad got a police dispatcher good.

Dispatcher: Hello this is 911 what's your emergency?

Dad: Yeah hi, I was just walking through the woods and I found a suitcase in a bush and inside there's a fox and 4 cubs.

Dispatcher: Oh my god, that's horrible. Are they moving?

Dad: I don't know to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmonkey86
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Dispatcher at work is clearly a dad!

Called in to get my work for the next day as I'm a student who's brought back part-time over the Christmas break.

Me: "Hi, I'm ronnockoch one of the students who is working Christmas, can I have my work for tomorrow?"

Dispatch:"Hi ronnockoch one of the students who is working Christmas, how are you?"

Conversation for about 2 minutes

Me: "Okay, see you at 5:00am tomorrow! Have a good day Dispatch!"

Dispatch:"Bye, ronnockoch one of the students who is working Christmas."

Clearly he'd fit right in here

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ronnockoch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2015
🚨︎ report
There was a big black ant in my garage last night ...

When I told my wife about it later, I told her that I dispatched it, Pink Panther style.

"What does that mean?" she asked me.

I told her that it means that the bug is now a

dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant dead-ant dead-ant dead-ant dead-ant ... as sung to the Pink Panther theme.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dedtired
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Fireman told me this one

Really close family friend of ours told us this one that allegedly happened while he was on duty. I'm going to tell it from his perspective, as it reads the 'funniest'.

So I'm on duty and we have to go and put out a simple brush fire off to the side of a busy intersection. Since it's the dry season of Southern California literally the smallest spark can cause a giant fire you know, so we're trying to put it out pretty fast. So we arrive there and we notice that an ambulance is speeding down the road to this one pretty sharp bend, and you know, they're making haste since they're on a code 3. A code 3 is where both the siren and the lights are on at the same time and they obviously have something that they need to do. Anyways, they're speeding around this corner and one of the backdoors gets flung open and a cooler flies out and lands at the curb. By this point we've handled the fire and we're just assessing the damage, like where it's spread, stuff like that, so I go and retrieve the container and I open it and inside there's a human toe in there. I tell most of my crew and we decide that we'll get the toe back to the paramedics and then head back to the station. So we call the emergency services and we let them know that some EMT's have left a human body part and didn't come back to get it. They tell us, "we'll have someone come pick it up soon". We wait about 20 minutes and no one arrives and we're all a bit startled that no one's come back to come pick up a fucking human toe, so we call back and they give us the same thing. Half an hour goes by so I decide to call AAA and see if they can help us. Sure enough, AAA is able to help us and within 10 minutes they dispatch the help we need by sending us a toe truck.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XIGRAHAMIX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
🚨︎ report
The Worst Chauffeur

I work dispatch for an executive transportation company. The owner's name Is Matt. While talking to one of the chauffeurs, Matt's name prompted this.

You know what they call a guy with no arms, no legs and is lying next to a door? Matt.

He continues... Same guy is sitting in a pothole, what do you call him? Phil. And if he's in the swimming pool, we call him Bob. Put him up on the wall and his name is Art. Hang two of him on the wall and we call them Kurt and Rod!

I couldn't bring myself to respond. It was too brilliant.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pearberr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.