The Covering Puns

It's a gilt-E pleasure.

My wife says it will look too boring, but I think it will be egg siding.

It was stolen from right under my nose.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

The doctors called it eyeLEDs

It's so nerve-wracking.

Now he’s a chili dog.

But it was cornea as ever.

I knew that was a big red flag

Because he lived in a pen!

So very proud!

Mycoxafloppin

Foiled again!

"Jerk."

Because it was being ink-cubated

He came up with this one on his own after hearing another one on this sub.

It's a play on words.

Pharaohsmith.

I had to Nicks that idea.

"You're a few weeks late aren't you Santa?" the girl behind the counter joked, smiling.

"Ho, ho, ho!" I fired back at her, in an uncharacteristic misogynistic outburst.

Dunno why the she had to throw shade on my pursuit...

So now the full Oasis songbook is covered he's moved on to a new one.

She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover.

I found it way more entertaining then she did.

Blanket statements

Apparently they were Meringue-utans.

They call themselves Squished Squash!

I was puttering around the kitchen legit just now when my dad came in and said: "Hey, son; I got you a new--well, a used iPad."

I turn, really surprised, until he hands me a rather dusty and faded blue eye cover for sleeping.

"It's a used eye pad," he said, eyes full of that "I found a really bad dad joke" delight.

.....

.....Bless my dad's soul.

...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.

The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

It's a running gag.

My wife and I were doing a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. I had just handcuffed her to the bedhead when we heard one of the kids turning the door handle. I quickly threw the covers over the both of us and in walked my 7 year old son. He noticed the handcuffs, went really quiet and had this confused look on his face. After 15 seconds or so he asked my wife why she was handcuffed to the bed. She blushed and had to come up with a lie on the spot. She stammered out that daddy was just practicing with the handcuffs for his new job as a policeman and that my son should just go back into the lounge room and watch some TV.

A few weeks later I was asked to careers day at my son's school. My son stood up with me in front of the class and proudly announced his daddy was a policeman and that I lock up baddies. I didn't want to embarass him so I just played along. It turns out I was the one who was about to be embarassed. One of the kids asked if my son had ever seen me at work. My son said no but that he had seen me practicing using handcuffs on his mom. It went right over the kids heads but the teacher was very amused and couldn't stop giggling. I guess my wife and I would have been the hot topic in the staff room that day.

It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

But that’s a story for another time

Needless to say, my plans were foiled

They have a strong sense of entitlement.

I told my dad the school was having a makeup day to cover any missed work, and he, typical dad, goes “they’re teaching you to put on makeup?” (I’m a straight male)

But I think I will recover

He broke out in hives.

They do most queen songs but they don't quack under pressure.

Because it barium

"Let'r Be"

It would be sick.

>!!<Stick it in the freezer and run it through a bandsaw - MEEEEOOW

How do you turn it back into a dog?

>!!<Cover it in gas and light it - WOOF