William Shatner, Star Trek’s Captain Kirk, is said to be extremely disappointed after the collapse of his recently launched women’s underwear business...

Apparently, nobody was interested in buying β€˜Shatner Panties’.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Who were hurt in the bridge collapse in Australia?

The ones that were down under.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xgbsss
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did it take so long for the USSR to collapse?

They were Stalin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrenadeLawyer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a man collapse on the pavement and clutch his chest. He begged me to call him a doctor.

So I said: "You're a doctor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yokelwombat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why won’t the horse’s house ever collapse?

Because it’s so stable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lemshimmer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
During my appointment, the dentist began to collapse

So I thought to myself, "Ok, brace yourself".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad put one out there about the salt wall collapse in Chicago

He said it was a Na-tural disaster.

I linked him here

Relevant link: http://abc7chicago.com/news/morton-salt-collapse-covers-cars-at-acura-dealership/455616/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/4ourfeathers
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2014
🚨︎ report
Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport today

Medics at the scene have said " they are coming round slowly "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2canVANdam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
An old mine shaft collapsed on a bunch of workers the other day.

But it’s okay, they only suffered miner injuries.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/llcoolg72
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A little moron and a big moron were shingling a steep roof when suddenly the scaffolding collapsed. They both slid down the roof and stopped at the very edge, and then one fell off. Which one?

The big moron. The other one was a little more on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the kindergarten where the roof collapsed?

Thankfully, it only caused minor injuries.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andrelse
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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Did you hear about the coal mine that collapsed?

Don't worry there are only minor injuries.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exonated
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
There was an accident in the Paleontology section of a Natural History Museum where multiple dinosaur skeletons collapsed and were broken beyond repair. The directors of the museum were concerned that visitors wouldn't visit that section anymore ...

but visitors still showed up to view the
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EyeWunderY
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.

The poor man dyed a loan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Once upon a time in the jungle...

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…

He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pirate-Frog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
There's a bloke just collapsed on the London Eye.

Paramedics are on the scene and they say he's coming round slowly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the engineer say to the bridge after it had collapsed?

I trussed you.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2016
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Too late I realized the new jar of discount mayonnaise felt light. When I opened it up the pristine surface collapsed into a large air pocket.

Yes it was a sinkhole de mayo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JazzboTN
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the dock that collapsed during Hurricane Sandy?

It experienced pier pressure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wyboth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2013
🚨︎ report
What did the Russian say when USSR collapsed?

"Well then... So-vi-et..."

God that was bad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hansel-356
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
🚨︎ report
I got my daughter a pony and tried to hide it in the shed but the shed collapsed

I guess it was unstable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/r2devo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Made the wife groan like a collapsing steel girder

Carrying in groceries from the car and my wife had a large bag of ice. I had one hand free and offered to take something, so she put the bag on my shoulder, to which I replied, "Come on, don't give me the cold shoulder." Her: "ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlumbTheDerps
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Eiffel

What did the Eiffel tower cry out when it collapsed? . . .

I fell

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deadbot74
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I thought the suspension would kill me.

When the bridge slowly began to collapse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently took a poll.

And found that 100% of people were upset when the tent collapsed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeminiImpact
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad told me this just now

Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon

Me: Oh jeez

Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed

Me: Oh my god what happened

Dad: He ran out of gas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZAP_Riptide
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Red Skelton on excercise

From comedian and film star Β Red Skelton:

β€œExercise? I get it on the golf course.

When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics. ”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I took a poll the other day

Everyone was pretty upset when the whole tent collapsed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teebone954
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy signs up for the army and goes to get his equipment after he’s been processed.

When he gets to the place where he’s supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him thatΒ he just ran out. β€œIf you need to shoot just say β€˜BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!'” he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next areaΒ where he’s supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. β€œIf you need to stab someone justΒ go, β€˜STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!'” he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its wayΒ to the front where there’s a battle raging on.

Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, β€œBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!!” Amazingly, the enemy soldierΒ drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, β€œSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, I’ve become unstoppable.

So when he sees his next foeΒ way off in the distance, he shouts,Β β€œBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!” at him. He waits for him to fall, but nothing happens. The guy charges his unfazedΒ adversaryΒ nextΒ and goes β€œSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” Again he thinks the man will fall and again nothingΒ happens. β€œWhy wont you drop?” the guy says. The enemy soldier knocks him down andΒ responds, β€œTANKITY TANK TANKITY TANK!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lavidius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My Friend the Astronomer

My friend and I were having a conversation about his career, he said that Uranus was beginning to collapse on itself due to the magnetic and gravitational fields.

Being immature I laughed, he replied with a stern face "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruminino
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADAToTheMoon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad Joke From One Dad To Another

I'm a dad, and I told my dad this, so I think it counts. It got a lot of groans, so I think it's great, if a bit long.


I once lived near a small, simple town where there lived named Hugh.

Hugh was a very smart man stricken with a series of personal tragedies earlier in his life. As a result, he moved to this small town and took a job in his local florist shop, relaxing the days away arranging flowers and trying not to think of times past. Hugh grew to love working there.

One day, a disaster struck the town. A small, single engine airplane crashed a block from Hugh's shop, killing those on the plane and setting fire to several buildings, both occupied and empty.

The impact ruptured a gas line, which ultimately exploded, creating a shock wave that caused part of the building next to the florist shop to collapse and trap several of Hugh's customers and co-workers inside. The situation was desperate, as the shop would be burned to the ground at any moment.

Acting quickly, Hugh located the gas main, shutting it down. Next, Hugh noticed a water storage tank nearby, and opened a release valve that suffocated the fire before it reached his beloved shop.

With the fire out, and the florist shop saved along with those trapped inside, Hugh was a hero. The town presented him with a plaque in honor of his courageous deeds. On this plaque was a detailed etching of a bear, and Hugh was touched because he loved bears. But it was the words etched beneath that truly touched him.

"Only Hugh could prevent florist fires."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Primatebuddy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend just got me good

We watched our cat knead the couch before he laid down

Me: "Why do cats always do that?"

Her: "Because they NEED to!"

I sighed so hard my lungs collapsed

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techmanjoe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the barn collapse?

Because it wasn't stable.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the barn collapse?

Because it wasn't stable.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I took a poll last night

100% of the people were angry that the tent collapsed on them

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luckydragon88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently took a pole and found out that...

Apparently 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swiggetyswine69
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
According to science, the world's funniest joke, is really a Dad Joke

Here is the joke: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. β€˜My friend is dead! What should I do?’ The operator replies, β€˜Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he’s dead.’ There’s a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, β€˜Ok, now what?’”

Here is the article to back it up: http://www.urbo.com/content/the-worlds-funniest-joke-according-to-science

Insert Mic Drop

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dkunze
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
🚨︎ report

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