The other day my wife asked me how I became so damn good at making love.
I told her she should thank all the women that came before her.
What is the fastest growing city in the world?
Capital of Ireland
It's Dublin everyday
Did you hear about the magician who became friends with the rabbit?
Oh the tangled web we weave ...
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
I forgot to pay my water bill again so the city sent me a card.
Once I became a parent, I finally understood the . . .
scene where Yoda gets so tired of answering Luke's questions that he just dies.
Did you hear about the failed comedian who became a poet?
He went from bad to verse!
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Did you hear about the guy who went on a fruit diet? In just 2 days, he became completely obnoxious
Evidently, it is enough to make a Mango crazy
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
Went to the city pool and decided to pee in the deep end
Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
What do you call a garden gnome that migrates to the city?
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away
I just had two paws for a moment
Scientists became so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours
What did the three legged cowboy's dog say when he walked into Dodge city.
I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!
What did the dad say to his son when he became afraid of the full moon?
"Don't worry! It's just a phase it's going through!"
The player who scored Ukraine's winning goal against Sweden has dedicated his goal to his girlfriend in the capital city
He's very fond of his chick in Kiev!
Why did the city slicker turn up his nose when he visited the milk farm?
He couldn’t stand the smell of the dairy air.
The waitress at our table tonight asked if we wanted kid's menus.
My wife said yes. I said we're happy with the kids we have, thank you. I then realized I could FEEL the desire to harmlessly embarrass my children in front of other people. It's happening!
My dog peed on my list of favorite businesses in the city
Now what’s left is Yellow Pages
By legalising cannabis and same-sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly
A man who lays with another man should be stoned.
Did you hear about the chemistry teacher who became upset?
Apparently he told a dad joke in class and it got no reaction.
When my aunt Penny died she hadn’t cut her hair in 20 years, when we took her to the crematorium it turns out they charged by weight and we couldn’t afford a receptacle for her ashes. I learned an important lesson that day.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
I sent a circle to college, and it quickly became the smartest object on the planet.
Seriously, it had 360 degrees!
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have....a lot in common.
I said "Something is wrong with these kids, we've got to get them to the hospital..."
"What is it?" said my wife.
"Well, it's a big building with a bunch of patients. But that's not important right now."
I’m back in my hometown looking after my Dad who gets a little forgetful. I helped him with a transaction, and when we left the store he said ‘We need to go to a trophy shop, I need to get a trophy that says-Best Son Ever- “Aw Dad, you’re my trophy”
He looks at me and says ‘It’s for your brother!’
Can we ban jokes about German sausages? They are just the wurst
That's a sticky situation. But we have the right man for the job.
There’s a city where all the people have the same blood type
The capital of Taiwan. They’re all Taipai.
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger.
Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller.
Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
A guy asked me, “so what brings you to the city?”
I said, “I dunno a plane? Sometimes I drive”
My wife tried to tell our cat that we would all be flying to a new home, but the cat seemed unimpressed.
I explained that the cat doesn’t understand plane English.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
Got my gf good with this one just now... I showed her a picture of the Mexico City skyline and she said, "that's intense!"
I said no, I'm pretty sure they're all buildings.
"I must say, you are the better than every other applicant we've spoken to so far," said the man at the end of my interview.
"Thanks," I smiled, leaving the room.
Then he poked his head out of the door and said, "OK, would the second candidate like to come in?"
I work with a small town search and rescue. We recently had a guy visiting from the big city to do some kayaking on the river.
He doesn't know the area and gets himself lost. All he does know is that there are a lot of grizzly bears roaming around during the salmon spawn this time of year, so he's quite afraid to get out of his kayak.
The temperature starts to drop. He needs to stay warm, and decides to build a fire inside his little boat on the river.
He learnt a valuable lesson that night: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
When I was young I was a graffiti artist and had my name all over the city but as I got older I thought "This has to stop".
"The writing's on the wall."
We couldn't find a shovel for the beach anywhere.
My wife said she'd dig into it.
My wife told our friends that the grandfather clock we inherited from her grandparents doesn't work.
I chimed in with "they ran out of time".
Have you heard of the drummer that became an author?
I heard he uses a lot of cymbalisms in his works
Whenever we visited my Grampa's dairy farm, there'd be mud and cowpats everywhere, and my Dad would say, "I love dairy farms! Look at the dairy barn, and the dairy cows, and...
"Smell that sweet Dairy Air!"
If the joke's unclear:>!"dairy air" sounds like "derriere"!<
For a holiday last year, my father took us to a narrow inlet in the ocean, where we had a good time...
If we have the show "X-Files", Chris Hanson's "To Catch a Predator" could be called "Pedo-Files".
We're all steakholders in these incidents. Corporations need to beef up security or these costs will go over the moon. Criminals can't get used to CEOs chickening out and paying.
theguardian.com/food/2021…
Scientists became so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
