Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.

I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know"

Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?"

"I'm adopted"

He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrTeeBee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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When's the best age to tell a highway it's adopted?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Losty1Ghost
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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I think the dog I adopted used to belong to a blacksmith,..

...because as soon I got it home, it made a bolt for the door!

(Blacksmiths make bolts for doors)

Credit: Random Contestant on Forged in Fire

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noyfbfoad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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Before the stray dog was adopted, it had it ruff
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hdeifh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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My girlfriend and her younger sisters (21 and 9) were adopted by lesbian parents. I'm going to be the only dad joke source in their lives and it's a big responsibility that I take seriously. Any suggestions are welcomed.

For the youngest siblings recent 9th birthday I put 9 dollars in a block of ice (had to bribe a local butcher shop to let me put a cooler in their freezer, worth it) But I need some long term ideas, because I intend to show this family with a lack of dads the full scope of dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MANTHEFUCKUPBRO
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2016
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I got the DNA test results back for my two adopted dogs...

I told my dad that one of the dogs is a purebred plott hound.

Dad says, "So if she gains weight, then the plott thickens."

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
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What does the lion call his high-achieving cub and adopted kangaroo kid?

His pride and joey!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aitchnyu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
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We were at a restaurant with my newly adopted siblings. The youngest (4 years old) "dad-joked" our dad.

Setting: At a restaurant with my newly adopted brother and my parents.

The server comes to the table and gets our drink orders, introduces herself, etc. After she walks away the following conversation ensues.

Brother: Did she say her name is Shinomy?

Dad: Shinomy?

Brother: She don't know you!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dforderp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
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Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?

Someone told him to β€œget along little doggie”

πŸ‘︎ 798
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CptLeelooSattler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Is it the time to adopt glass coffins?

remains to be seen!

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/malhosainy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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What did the skeleton say to his wife when he wanted to adopt a child?

I have some bones to pick with you.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doomage007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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Adopting the metric system would help make US neighborhoods so much more livable

Under the current Imperial system, every three feet is a new yard

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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I took my daughter to adopt a cat at the shelter. I was surprised we had to sign an itemized legal contract with expected costs. When I told the clerk I thought rescuing a cat would be free...

She told me ”Dad, If you want a cat, you should expect a fee line.” I’m so proud!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarynxm
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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My farmer friend is moving to the city, and he has to give up his favourite horse for adoption.

He wants it to grow up in a stable environment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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There is a couple, that always waits in front of orphanages before they open.

They're better known as the early adopters.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/starfoolGER
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Two gay surfer guys walk into a bar...

They came in search of their adopted child. They ask the bartender, β€œHey, have you seen a small boy wandering around town looking lost? Sandy hair, blue eyes? He wandered off while we were catching some waves.” The bartender thinks for a second, then shakes his head and says, β€œNope, sorry bros. I just clocked in, but my coworker Fred is packing up now if you wanna check with him. He’s the one with the mustache by the door.” The couple walk over to the mustached man putting on a coat getting ready to leave, and inquire the same thing from him. Fred replies, β€œNow that you mention it, I think he came up to the counter a little while ago looking for you guys. I told him to come back in about 20 minutes when my shift ends so I can help him look around, but that was like half an hour ago. I’ve been waiting a little while, but I was just getting ready to leave.” Suddenly, the man points behind the surfer guys and exclaims, β€œHere comes the son, Dude and Dude 2!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reltets
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Not really a dad joke, but...

more like dad revelations. I was pulling up carpet and padding Sunday because we adopted two very rude Husky puppies last year that like to urinate in the house. As I was working, I was listening to Parliment Funkadelic on Pandora and I came to the realization that I was listening to P-Funk as I was dealing with pee funk.
Another thing that happened the same day was I took an opened bag of bird feed out of the closet to pull the carpet up and when I looked at it a bit later, I saw beetles all over the bag and crawling on the counter where I had set it. Probably 40 of the little suckers. I had to text my wife about that one. "Honey, I've got bad news. Our bag of bird feed has been infested with beetles. Yes, our bird feed has been infested with... more bird feed."
Anyway, just thought I would share. Carry on with the groaners.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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My dad got me at the adoption center

So we (my sister Shannen, my girlfriend Kallie, and my dad) are adopting a dog today and we are waiting in line for the centert to open.

Shannen: I hear they have a bunch of pit bull mixes.

Me: Do you guys want a pit bull?

Kallie: Pit Bulls are super sweet, it just depends on how they're raised

Dad: I don't know... I don't really like his music

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B_jerrell
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2015
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The methadone clinic has cancelled urinalysis screenings for the rest of April

Unlike the grocery store, the clinic isn't adopting the "curbside pee-cup" system.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saltoftree
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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What did the fist plate say to the second plate?

Dinners on me Edit: sry adopt the typo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolman965
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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My new favorite one

A woman had two identical twins and gave them up for adoption. One was adopted and named Juan. The other was adopted and named Ahmal. After many years, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother.

She remarked to her husband that she wished she had a picture of Ahmal aswell.

"They're twins!" He said. "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StupidDemon420
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.

Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family.

The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal.

At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, β€œif you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hanasmf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, β€œDarling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
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A mother gives her twins up for adoption...

One of them is adopted by a family in Egypt and is named Amal and the other is adopted by a family in Mexico and is named Juan.

Years later Juan contacts his mother and sends a picture of himself to her. The mother overwhelmed with happiness, tells her husband that she wishes she could also see Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan you've seen Amal."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeUltimater
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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A horse trotted into a bar.

"I must have forgotten that Trump set the bar so low" he mumbled as he picked himself up and staggered into the bar and grill next to it. Upon seeing him, the bartender said, "hey!" The horse said, "neigh... but I'll take one for the road." The asphalt in the corner said, "thanks horse. Why the big pause?" The horse replied, "oh this is my friend the bear. He was born with big pas." "Yeah," said the bear. "I was adopted by two grizzly fathers. Turns out they weren't koala-fied to give birth to me." "Ugh," said the chicken after seeing how late it is. "I'm late to get to the other side of the road. See ya all later!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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At a restaurant...

Whenever my dad got his beverage, he would put the straw in and blow bubbles followed by

"Put the damn thing in upside down..."

Then he flipped it over and proceeded to drink normally. I've adopted this one, but wouldn't recommend it on a first date. Maybe second...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HammerFace
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2014
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Puppy bowl puns

So I’m reffing a local puppy bowl (where a bunch of puppies up for adoption play β€œfootball” with each other). As the ref I need to say funny football puppy puns whole time such as β€œruffing the passer”. Any ideas on good football puppy puns? Thanks.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tribebro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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I recently told someone about my kids.

I told someone about my 3 kids. She seemed so happy. I told her two of them were adopted and she said that was just wonder. It's a shame nobody will adopt the third one though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/habitualhuman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2017
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[help] Christmas-related pun for spreading cheer and kicking ass.

My sister is a teacher at a private high school for kids with learning and behavior difficulties. She just texted me for help with a funny slogan about spreading cheer and kicking ass.

Basically, each student "adopted" a teacher and they're going to do some sort of obstacle course. They're Santa's helpers, and have hats, shirts, and swords. She just came up with this idea at the last minute and would like help thinking of a punny tagline.

Any ideas?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allthedoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2015
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Pronunciation saves the lives of innocent wallets

My wife called me up from the animal shelter the other day wanting to adopt a dog. Since money is tight current, I specifically said "0 canine". Now I'm the proud owner of 9 German shepherd pups and will from now on pronounce "0" as "Zero".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JebusDuck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2016
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Was playing Broforce with my siblings.

My sis died and as soon as she was freed from the cage, she asked "Am I rescued?"

Could not resist and replied "Nope. You're adopted."

Sidenote: we're all blood related just to let you all know.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxsight
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2016
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Dad-joked my boyfriend about our new pet today

We recently adopted a rabbit and the shelter had named him Justin. We wanted to rename him and it's since been a running joke since Justin is, in our opinion, not a very rabbit-like name. He was also really skittish and we've been working in socializing with him. So today (day 6) my boyfriend asks me:

"So would you say he is adjusted yet?"

To which I replied, "No, he's a-justin" (adjusting)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kubricks_cube
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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I got my daughter earlier today

I'm about to sign the adoption papers!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2016
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Got my sister this morning

While talking about a new dog her roommate adopted this week.

Me: "What kind of dog is she?"

Sister: "She's a boxer." Me: "Oh cool, does she wear gloves?"

Sister: "Uhg, you are so funny."

She did a good job poker facing the tornado of laughter inside of her

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snipeki1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
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My university's Archery Club asks for an original joke in it's application form ... I think I'm way ahead of the curve to become a dad

My application reads: Why did the German archer refuse to adopt the Euro?

...

Because he missed his mark.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terb3ar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2015
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What did the skeleton say to his wife when he wanted to adopt a child?

I've got some bones to pick with you.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doomage007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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Why'd the cowboy adopt a daschund?

To get a long little doggie.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OhioTry
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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Why did the cowboy adopt a Dachshund?

He wanted to get a long little doggie

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2018
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Why did the cowboy adopt a miniature dachshund?

Because he wanted to get a long lil doggie.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickinkyiv
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2017
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Dog gone it. :)

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith.

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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