My wife accused me of taking the last donut

It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/obi-whine-kenobi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
The wife accused me of always dropping random Elvis lyrics in our conversations.

Her suspicious mind left me all shook up

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a scandal concerning a rich engineer where the list of accusations only gets longer and longer over time?

Elongate

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thatyougoon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife accused me of always stating the obvious.

I replied, "That's what you think!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
When my boys were playing ball, they accused me of spraying the ball with the watering hose. I didn't spray it.

I mist it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brichouse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Mandalorian bodybuilder say when he was accused of taking steroids?

This is the Whey.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/N11Ordo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I have been accused of writing a long series of messages about the song "I'm Too Sexy"

But I would like to reassure everyone that I did not write said thread.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Bowling Pin say when it was accused?

β€œI’ve been framed!”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeerMan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Creepy situation? Calls for a dad joke

So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:

At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit β€” the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.

Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me β€” I’ve never been one to split hares

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurtvan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I had a dream where I was a wharf accused by the state of committing a crime...

I had a right to trial with a jury of my piers.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I just saw a homeless man get arrested for cloaking himself in a blanket the cops falsely accused him of stealing...

It was a bum wrap.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do French criminals take baths?

In the J'accuse-i.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
At the casino a woman accused me of assault

And I say "But I'm the blackjack dealer, it's my job to hit people."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nicholas-Pressey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was accused of taking soap making ingredients from the department store...

They're all lyes!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the cheetah say when she was falsely accused by the lioness?

You've got to believe me, I'm not lion!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits...

I got off on a peel!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.

Sometimes you have to take a stand.

πŸ‘︎ 122
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the book accused of plagiarism?

It was a copybook

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/totallyfvckedup
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
One time my cat chased down a drone and brought it to me. The drone's owner accused me of theft. In my defense, I said it wasn't stolen...

...it was purr-chased

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrLazyTiger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife growled accusingly, β€œI’ve never seen you sweep or use the vacuum in my life!”

I retorted, β€œFloors are beneath me!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
what did the archaeologist say when accused of lying about fossils?

Hey, those artifacts ...

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrYegg3000
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My father was in the army...

And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me it’s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass it’s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasn’t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.

β€œWhy don’t you just admit it Harry”, she said;

but he stuck to his denial,

β€œYou think I could ever do something like this Sarah”, he said.

Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.

My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said β€œWell if the Foux shits...”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RangaRedRascal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in a really bad mood earlier because my wife accused me of always trying to turn everything in to a joke. After hours of awkward silence, she finally gave in and asked, "What's the matter!?"

I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Was grumpy the other day and my wife accused me of being "HANGRY"

After pondering I commented, "nope, I'm HORNERY!"

πŸ‘︎ 143
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JeF4y
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2015
🚨︎ report
The defendant was accused of bringing dynamite into a steer.

A-bomb-in-a-bull!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gt0t
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
🚨︎ report
One that my dad just gave me

So we were talking about transferring money and I made a comment about not wanting to forget a paper note in my trousers when they get washed.

He looked me straight in the eye and shouted

β€˜Because you don’t want to be accused of... MONEY LAUNDERING’

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Roku-Hanmar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Which interview should you avoid asking Clark Kent to give?

2:30 AM: A woman accused of robbing a large bank in San Francisco

6:00 PM: A man accused of scamming high rollers in Las Vegas

9:00 PM: A man accused of shooting two rival gang members in Los Angeles

The last one: Keep him away from the Crip tonight

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad dropped a fucking brilliant one last night... needs some backstory

So my brother is a policeman and last night got a call about a stolen washing machine...

So he goes to it, ridiculous argument insues between the two parties then a slight wrestling match from my brother and the accuser and he gets nicked. So then my mum asks him

"What about the washing machine? Did the other man steal it?"

my dad replies instantly:

"It made a clean getaway"

I can't wait to have kids so my brain work the same way...

πŸ‘︎ 256
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JungleOrAfk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
🚨︎ report
I think my Ex is using my Amazon Prime Account..

I can't really accuse her, but she is the prime suspect.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Death_By_Pun
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone posted a joke on inauguration day and now I can't stop thinking of Trump puns, so I'll just dump them here.

He probably has quite the hair-care bill, but I'm sure he's willing toupee for it.
It seems that everyone on the internet is Russian to say good things about him.
After his inauguration speech, everyone gave him a big hand.
His favorite winter Olympic event is the LYUUUUGE!
The other half of his supporters can be described with ancient, mystical legends: the Deep Lore-ables.
Nobody will be able to use cheap cotton drapes or table cloths after his ban on muslins.
Since the start of the cold war, many U.S. presidents have pissed off the Russians. Trump is the first to be accused of pissing ON them.
I subscribed to his newsletter because I never turn down a free MAGA-zine subscription.
Melania got used to everyone crowded into Trump Tower during the campaign. Now that everyone's gone, she looks around and it's just a little Barron.
Joke that inspired me is here : https://www.reddit.com/r/puns/comments/5p4ebt/on_donald_trumps_inaguration/

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Hitchhiker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2017
🚨︎ report
I was once accused of stealing a subwoofer...

...but the accusations were bassless.

...

I'll see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anaemicpuppy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my flatmate watching the news.

Me and my flatmate were watching a news story about a recent court case, they show a drawing of the accused.

Flatmate:"He looks like a dodgy character"

Me:"Yeah, looks a bit sketchy"

Flatmate:"...dammit"

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coreupt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
🚨︎ report
My roommate is ready to be a dad

When accused of leaving the cheesecake out after having a slice, his response was, "I'm sorry, I was blinded by delight!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cerain
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Pulled a classic roadtrip dad joke on my GF

While on a 6.5hr drive back home from a friend's wedding, I slowly allowed the car to drift onto the rumble strips for a second, BRRrrrRRRAPPPP, then announced to my GF "Oh gross! Was that you!? It smells awful!" After she realized what had happened, I received a glorious groan, and just when I thought it couldn't get any better she then told me "You know, it's like you're some dorky dad driving a mini-van." It is by far the greatest compliment one of my dad jokes have ever received.

I couldn't help but laugh, as I first learned this joke from my dad, who, on long road trips would do the same and accuse my mother of farting.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SicilSlovak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2015
🚨︎ report
relationships and dad jokes

SO going on and on about parents' relationship - long and full of drama.

Me: You should tell him to get a sex change.

SO: (sigh) where are the fuck are you going with this? What, it'll stop the cheating accusations?

Me: Well, she wants him to be more transparent.

SO (death glare)

Me: It's not as if we see much of him anyway.

SO: ...

Me: I'll shut up now.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/seamusog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Seein eye dog.

A blind person and his seeing eye dog go to a Walmart. Standing in aisle 5, he suddenly grabs the dog and hurls it around above his head a couple of times.

This naturally causes a commotion and the floor manager comes running.

"What are you doing!?" he demands, in a rather accusing way.

The blind man goes "Oh, just looking around"...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/diMario
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2014
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Text exchange with my 70-yo father. He’s still got it.

Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today πŸ˜‰πŸŽ„

Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲

Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.

Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son πŸ€“

Me: Oooof

Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there

Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?

Him: I wooden know about that

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/idkflycasual
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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