That Was Yesterday Puns

You could say I pulled my Trump card

I thought, well, I can’t turn that down.

Actually she just sits around, smokes weed all day and never calls me, but a Dad can dream.

I said, “no, I’m Micheal Jack son”

I guess hindsight is 2020

"No, ask me tomorrow."

Courteously provided by my father.

Q: What is the average math teacher?
A: mean

Q: What dessert do math teachers eat the most?
A: pie a la mode

Q: Where does the average cop hide when catching people for speeding?
A: The highway median

The years go by so quickly... Afterme will be 21 next week!

She said she didn't remember.

I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!

She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.

Totally worth it.

I said, "Honey, are you feeling okay? I don't think there are any grocery stores out here in the wilderness."

Then again, I never was that into currant affairs.

Finally I gave up.

This is noose to me.

We felt so sorry for him because the poor guy was completely covered in snow, but this morning, he had just vanished!

Not a word, not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!

The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor!

That's the thanks we get for being good to people?!

I'm warning all of you to watch out for this man!

He is a heavy set, white guy, wearing nothing but a scarf.

He has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny, they look like sticks.

Whatever you do, don't bring him into your house!

I think they brewed it Oolong.

What a milestone

We're just blazing through the months!

I know my friend sent me this bad pun. please suggest a good reply.

Me: Dad, who ran into the mailbox?!

Dad: No one that I know of. Someone drove into it though.

I showed my dad a photo of a family's friend's newborn baby as it was getting its feet inked to take its prints.

Dad: "Pretty dirty feet for a newborn."

Me: "..."

Dad: "Don't worry. You'll get it soon; and then, you'll laugh."