Thank God that nipples exist.

Because without them, boobs would be pointless.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JY200115
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Thank you God for providing me and my family with these instant noodles for supper.

Ramen.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiscoPotato69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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So i made this during the 2014 world cup, and thank God Germany won
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/illumi_nazi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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Thank god Canada’s not the global super power

Or we'd all be sorry

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/llMude13ll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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Thank God, women exists!

Because a world without women would literally be a pain in the ass...

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MidoriMonki
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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Thank God that Jesus wasn’t a baker.

It took him three days to rise.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AssasinButt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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The leather hat was an invention that made our head's sweat. Thank god it never cotton.
πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pirate_of_the_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
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Thank God

I'm atheist

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FabianWolfgang
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
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Thank god they invented shampoo.

Imagine having to wash your hair with real poo?

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eucrates
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2018
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*Drops phone* well thank god for insurance!

Dad: No that's an Out of Pocket expense!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gooterman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2016
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Dad joked my colleagues at a faculty meeting. Thank God I work with great people.

Me (returning from obvious bathroom break): knock knock

Colleagues: <groan> Who's there?

Me: Deirdre Discope.

Colleagues: Deidre Discope who?

Me: Yup.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Z3roSum0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2014
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Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Eulogy of an egg

He died last fry day. Thank God he wasn't beaten. Don't worry, he went over easy. He's now on the sunny side. He's definitely in a better plate.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainBoomerang1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Death came for my soul today

Thank god I was in the living room when he came

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kennycrab12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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Baby grass snake says to her mum, am I a poisonous snake?

Mum says no baby.

The baby grass snake says, Thank god for that ive just bitten my toungue.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Wife: *gets out of the shower*

Me: Don’t shoot!!

Her: ??

Me: Oh thank God, I thought you were an Itowelian.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yammalishus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy starts choking on his food in a restaurant.

A doctor sees the man choking and springs into action. He runs across the restaurant, pulls the man out of his chair, pulls the man's pants down, and licks his butt. The man coughs hard, and the food is dislodged from his throat.

Grateful, he turns to doctor and says, "Thank God you knew the Hind Lick Maneuver!"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/startrektoheck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the man say when the police pulled him over for dangerous driving and said "You're Drunk!"?

Thanks God for that I thought the steering had gone...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dartis_X-UI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Creation

God: creates worm, Hello worm. I hope you enjoy your new life in a new world

Worm: Hi God. Thanks for the β€œworm” welcome.

God: creates birds

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bar1792
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a huge fire at the shoe factory.

Thank God no soles were lost

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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After a lengthy search, I finally found an apartment in my price range where I can have my corgi and my pitbull.

Thank god theres still a-corgi-bull housing out there

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I have written a new book called "How to Survive falling down a staircase”

.........It is a step by step guide

Edit: oh my god wow, thank you for the silver!

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cynocation
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked a girl on Tinder

We'd been talking for a few days, already had a plan to meet up at by this point.

Me: Hey! How's your day going?

Her: Good, thanks! Just went to Petsmart and bought medicine for my betta fish, walking home now. His fins are falling off, the poor guy.

Me: Aw, I hope he gets betta.

Her: Oh god

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quiddity99
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Prisoner Escaped

Guard: Inmate #2276 escaped sir!

Warden: WHAT! How long ago?

Guard: There was a random search last night at 8:30, so figure he's been on the lamb for about 8 hours.

Warden: Oh thank God, what a relief.

Guard: How so sir? That's a hell of a long time to be missing.

Warden: Yes, but imagine how far he'd be if he was on the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Billy_Bayou
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I got a date to prom.

I got a date to prom, so I went home to get ready only to relize that I was late. So I have to run down to the limo rental place. The line there was pretty long and after that, I hade to get flowers & chocolate. The line there was also pretty long. Then after that, I finally went to pick her up, she was pretty upset but forgived me and we arrived at our destination. I then got thirst and thank god there was no Punch Line.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daxdax_Universe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I just crashed my car in a lane between two houses -- one owned by Mr. and Mrs. Ball, and one owned by Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Thank god I was dragged out by the Smiths.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I got arrested for stealing a calendar when I was a kid

Thank god they only gave me 12 months

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HpddenHydnosis
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
*knock knock* "Who's there?"

"Pun-patrol! You s-pun around on your chair way beyond government regulations!"

"I can't help it! I'm pun-sexual!"

"Sir, o-pun the door or we will have to use force!"

"Stay back! I have a hostage! I don't care if my crimes will ever get ex-pun-ged!"

"Lay down your wea-pun! Face your pun-ishment!"

"Sir, I just arrived and can confirm, he has a Pun-da!"

"Thank god for your pun-ctuality! This changes everything! Now go and pun-ch down the door!"

crashing noises

"Sir! We have fumes! God, what is this pun-gent smell??"

"Ahaha, you ran into my trap! Now die, Pun-k!"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

silence

"No time for com-pun-ction. Come, S-pun-ky, we need to leave. Let's head for Pun-ama."

EDIT: formatting.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D0tBlue
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Good God No!!

One time I was hiking with my dad and we got caught in a rainstorm. As we were driving back I was changing out of my wet shirt in the car. And as soon as my shirt was up over my face he yelled "Good god no!!" and started swerving and beeping the horn. I thought I was going to die. Thanks dad.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/albert_camus69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
🚨︎ report
Need help with Zeus puns.

I am doing an extra credit project where I am making a "Date Me" page for the Greek god Zeus. Any puns (cheesy or not) are greatly appreciated. Thank you! :D

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimonRB
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2014
🚨︎ report
My Boyfriend has been milking the fact that it's the 1st of the month

While preparing for bed at 12:30am, March 1st, he says, "Man, I'm so exhausted. I haven't slept ALL month!"

Also last night, "You must be thirsty. You haven't had anything to drink ALL month!"

It's been going on like this ALL month. Thank God this day is almost over.

πŸ‘︎ 210
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2014
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I saw two Cadillacs on my way to work today...

Thank God the situation didn't Escalade any further!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBlueBuffBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2018
🚨︎ report
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved!

Thank God it came back negative!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad asked me for a glass of milk.

Being a good son, I quickly obliged him and returned from the kitchen with tall, cold glass. Aspiring to reach his level of dad joke mastery, when he thanked me, I replied,

"Nothing but the dairy best for you, dad."

Without missing a beat he looked me dead in the eye and replied,

"Don't do dairy puns. They're cheesy."

God damn it.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mak484
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
🚨︎ report
What does the owl say? (True story)

My wife and I are calling it a night and we hear an owl outside our window. After 15 mins, no more owl and it’s dead quite

My wife: thank God we can’t hear the owl anymore Me: Who? Wife: the owl Me: Who? Wife The OWL! Me: Who? Wife: ...groan go to bed Me: got her :)

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lumpyrabbit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
🚨︎ report
Even in Retail, Dad Jokes Will Find a Way.

A husband and wife approached my register, and there's a variety of ways a customer will tell me they are in our rewards program. "I'm in the club." "I have a rewards card." Etc. There are a couple of weird ones people say, which brings us to this exchange I witnessed:

> Me: hi there, did you find everything okay?

> Wife: Yes, thank you. points to my till I'm in your computer, there.

> Husband: How the HELL did you fit in there?

> Wife: No, I meant I'm in the system!

> Husband: GASP You didn't tell me you were arrested!!!

> Wife: I swear to God I'm gonna hurt you.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NinaBisk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Went to the zoo with my parents

My dad says, "you know how to tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?" I say "oh god, how?" He says, "one will see you later, and one is after a while" Thanks dad

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/person1234man
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Looking For Some Awesome Puns!

If you guys could help out, I need some cool puns for a website I am making. They need to be Egyptian-based and on the topics of the Gods and Creation. Thanks Cokacolla2000

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cokacolla2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2014
🚨︎ report
There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Was having a brunch with a group of new friends

Everyone was commenting on how good the poached eggs were, and with a dead straight face I say:

"Yeah, poached eggs used to be so popular until they nearly went extinct... Thank god for scrambled."

Dad jokes always break the ice.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tropicole
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2016
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Thank god for nipples!

Otherwise boobies would be pointless

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tartar-buildup
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear God, thank you for these noodles

Ramen.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maz-o
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
🚨︎ report

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