TalkTalk Group Puns

At 4th of July party when I saw a buddy from high school there. He has a two year old of his own and lives like two houses down from me.

We were in group talking and as we were both about to leave I said:

"if you are ever in the neighborhood feel free to stop in"

Kind of lame but got a few chuckles!

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that “they were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

So this group of Irish monks needs to make payments on their belfry, and they've begun to run out of money, so after racking their brains for a few nights, and trying everything they could to get some cash together, they decide to sell flowers to make money. For weeks they sell flowers, and it's going well. Too well in fact, they've begun to run the local florist, Patty O'Flannigan out of town. Well, a bit cheesed at the monks jumping in on his territory, he decides to confront them. He asks them to step off, politely, but they simply respond that, "That's no way to talk to men of God!", and throw him out of their monastery. For weeks this goes on, the monks selling flowers, and the florist getting more and more desperate to make them stop. Finally, he goes to Hugh Mactaggart, the biggest, baddest man in town -- he could get anyone to leave town -- so Patty decides he's the best way to get rid of the monks, gives him the rest of the money, and retires to bed, wary of the results. In the morning, a knock on his door reveals Mactaggart, offering a firm handshake and saying, "They shant be botherin' ya again Patty." The moral of the story is, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

So, me and my group of friends recently started a gag going on one of our friends. She rolls with it, so it's okay.

So we just mess around with puns like "You're the bomb", "You've got an explosive personality", any bomb or explosion reference/pun we can make when talking with her or about her basically.

However, we are running out of puns.

Anyone got suggestions ?

Group of my co workers were talking about Eggs Benedict and one guy was talking about the worse hollandaise sauce he ever had on his eggs benedict. I looked at them and said guys everyone knows that there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

I teach Physics. One of my students pointed out to me that I nod my head a lot as I'm talking with students one on one or in small groups. When we get to waves, I'm going to ask them to count the number of times I nod my head in one class. Then they can calculate the frequency at which I nod my head, or in other words, how much my head Hertz.

My friend is a math teacher and was talking about a student in her class.

"She asked me if there was such thing as a left triangle!" murmurings and laughter from the rest of the group Me: "Well, you guys are the dumb ones. Of COURSE there is such thing!" confused looks Me: "If you have two triangles and take one away, the one that remains is left!"

eyerolls and groans

I'm proud.

A group of friends were talking about different flavors of ice cream when one asked,"Have you ever had birthday cake?"

Me: "Every year."

My friend was having a house party with about 15-20 of our group of friends. The music was pumping everyone was drunk , hyper and we were all in her living room having a great time. On top of the fireplace was this little elephant ornament.

So I gathered everyone around, turned the music off and made a big deal of making it seem like I had something really important to say. I completely killed the mood but all in the name of a good joke, amiright? I say, with as straight a face as I can manage, "Listen, I know we're all friends here but I think its time we all talk about the elephant in the room... It's right over there on the fireplace".

Cue groans and a few laughs. Mostly groans though... So worth it.

It was the end of the class, we were talking about due assignments (Master thesis prep group, cuz iamverysmart). Things were getting a bit informal, when one of my fellow students asked:

"When do we get our graded paper back?"

to which I loudly yelled:

"I'd like a hardcover!"

Some snorted, some didn't understand it, but the overarching sound I heard was loud groaning. Worth.

Sitting around the table with a group of people when my friend starts talking about his mom's work:

Friend - "My mom has been at children's hospital for about 26 years." Me - "oh my god, what happened to her?!"

Blank stares that I hoped were the precursor to laughter. They weren't.

We were talking about in-breeding, and my friend who is an archaeologist was saying how we're all in-bred in some sense of the word because of a debated small group of people leaving Africa a debated amount of time ago produced most of the western world (or possibly didn't).

I watched on, waiting for the end of the conversation to say "Whatever... you're all in-bred but I'm in pizza"

The groans were instantaneous.

(Bonus: also a few days ago we were ordering indian and my friend was gonna get chicken korma but I warned him "Korma's a bitch".)

So I'm at a family wedding. The dance floor has been pretty quiet all night. It's getting late and a lot of people left already. For some reason, the DJ brings up YMCA and finally manages to get the remaining people going. By the time the Beejees come on with Stayin' Alive everyone is moving around, myself included, and there's a somewhat big group really going crazy and doing dance moves. The photographer gets real close and starts taking pictures. Then she leans over to me to talk, as I'm dancing with my girlfriend and one of her kids.

Photographer: "People suddenly really came to life, huh?"

Me: "Yes. This party is really... Staying alive."

Her groan was louder than the music.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

We were sitting around talking about different foods when someone mentioned eating beef tongue. Someone else asked "how does it taste" The dad of the group answered "well it doesn't anymore".

I had to laugh, but there were plenty of eye rolls.

talking about a music assignment I had this past semester when I came home for winter break. I told my dad I had to arrange a piece of music for class.

He asked me if it was a group project. I told him no, I was the only one who worked on it.

"So that makes you the lone arranger?"

I was talking with a friend in a group Hangout, and my wife piped in with an excellent one.

Me: Y'all are nuts
Friend: I'm what, mate?
Me: Illiterate, apparently. Pretty sure that was plain English.
Friend: "Y'all" is debatable in regards to "plain English"
Wife: Well, yaw is part of plane English...

My friends and I were sitting and eating lunch in school while talking about an assignment we got.

Friend 1: What would be your dream job?

Me: I would like to be a chef.

Friend 2: A real dream job would be to test sleep beds.

Rest of group slowly starts groaning when we realise

Talking about it via a group text:

Mom: "Save the Baby! Save the Cat! Lock yourself in the bathroom!"

Sister: "What about the dog??"

Me: "I locked her in the batroom. I mean bathroom."

All: groans

A coworker and I were talking at the end of a long shift.

Me: Damn by back is killing me.

Coworker: Join the club.

Me: Is it like a back support group.

So today at lunch, I'm sitting with all my friends talking and what not. One of my other friends comes up to the table with 2 apples, one friend notices and asks for the second apple.

Friend with apples: No, you can't have it

Friend 1: Why not?

Me: Because its Adams...

Looks of confusion insure around the table.

Me: It's Adams apple!

Entire group: Groans

Talking with my wife and daughter about the weird names for groups of things. A group of geese is a gaggle. A group of crows is a murder. A group of whales is a pod.

Wife: I wonder what a group of dolphins is called.

Daughter: How about killer whales?

Me: An orchestra?

Wife: Ugh.

One night i was talking to my dad about a party that a bunch of single guys were going to instead of our homecoming dance. The leader of the group was called "the wolf". After mentioning "the wolf", my dad tell me "Don't worry about being a wolf, dmay58." "Ok. thanks dad." "you wanna know why." He asks as a grin starts to creep across his face. "Sure why." "Cause you get all the pussy." My mom threw a fit and my dad and I burst out laughing.

I was driving my younger sister to one of her youth group meetings earlier today and I talked about how I had first seen a funeral procession that morning on the day to school. I started asking several rhetorical questions such as:

• "Where was the casket? I didn't see one carried by any of the vehicles."

• "What cemetery are they going to?"

But now here comes the gold...

"It was a long procession...I'm sure (s)he was loved." Turns toward her "Do you know what the stages of grief are? It's weird how we say the human experience is unique for everyone, but almost everyone mourns in the same way. Do you know what happens after the mourning?"

I sat there in awe after having quivered before the dad-joke incarnate in front of me when I hear in response:

"Why of course, the afternoon silly!"

Edit: I accidentally a format