My wife told me to take the spider out
I took him out, and he was a nice guy. Turns out he’s a web designer!
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.
They're to prevent meltdowns.
My wife told me, “You shouldn’t take it personally if people call you fat...”
...”You are much bigger than that.”
Mom told me to take out the spider
Me: I’m going to take a shower
Dad: Don’t take it too far
A girl told me to take off her shirt and skirt
Then she told me to take off her heels and bra, then she told me to take her panties off. And then she told me to stop wearing her clothes
My wife said she wanted to take me out. I was so excited...
Until I saw the body bag.
I met a creepy guy who forced me to take home a bunch of horses with swords in their mouths.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
My wife threatened to leave me unless I take my iguana to the vet.
She says I have a reptile dysfunction.
Egg: If you take me seriously, you'll leave my shell intact and not remove my whites. Me: *Breaks Egg and removes whites*
I asked the driver if this ride would take me to 4th Street in St.Louis, Missouri.
The best advice my dad ever gave me: if ever you are desperately searching for something, make sure to take an apple with you.
That way, your search cannot be fruitless.
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
My wife told me she was sick and was going to take some cold pills
I asked her if she wanted me to warm them up first
People ask me how I take such good care of my herb garden...
Really I have nothing but thyme
I was walking in the Himalayan mountains when a hairy creature came into view. I was about to snap a picture but it said, "do not take a picture of me at this moment."
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
My wife dad joked me. As she was holding our crying son I said "I can take him"
She said "yeah, but don't you think you should pick on someone your own size?"
Guy 1: "If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm leaving the company." Guy 2: "What did he say?"
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
My dad tried to take the phone from me, saying he could get us a better deal on internet.. I hate this man, lol
He took the phone, and said, in the voice of Freddie Mercury, "Is this the wi-fi? Is this just fantasy?...Caught in a landline, we don't need AT&T.." and then passed the phone back. We already have AT&T, and I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH A FRIEND THAT DOES ACCOUNTING?, NOTHING TO DO WITH SOMEONE CALLING OUR HOUSE. No more Crockpot broccoli and cheese soup using weed butter for him. Good god... I'm almost impressed. We also haven't had a landline in years. God bless this small dog weilding, vaping man.
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke.
How did I do?
I bought a smart trash can that reminds me to take out the trash
Now it keeps trash talking.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went out and had beers. Cool guy, very driven, wants to be a web designer.
My wife asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it
Went to the bar, had a few drinks, nice guy, turns out he's a Web designer
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...
Had a few drinks, he is a cool guy, wants to be a Web developer.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he's a web designer
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
My wife told me take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he’s a web designer.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.credits
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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