Sweet Talk Puns

I told her i can't because I'm diabetic

Wife: Sweet! How much are we talking??

Husband: Well it is normally $1000, but this time I got $1000.02!!!!!!!

Wife: ...thats not that great.

Husband: Well I think it is, but that’s just my two cents.

"I guess the idea desserted you a long time ago!"

It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, “Just take your Up, vote and go.”

My substitute teacher laid this down. Short but sweet:

"I used to know a guy named pi, but we stopped talking because he just kept going on and on and on..."

groan

I was taking my daughter and her friend to get a snack and they started talking about starting a new religion where everyone worshipped food.

I said, "If a part of your congrgation breaks away to only worship the sweet foods, would you call them desserters?"

My coworker and I were talking on a Monday about the picnic she went on over the weekend. She was saying how there were a lot of bees out covering all the sodas and punch and how the hornets kept getting in people's beer. I told her I knew why...

Bees tend to like sweet things but hornets like to get a little buzzed.

She and I were talking about how a certain flavor of Combos she likes is only in one store in her area:

Her: I have a hard enough time finding the sweet and salty caramel one. I have to go to a specific LOWE'S. a Lowe's!! C'mon!

Me: So...when it comes to Combos, your area certainly is Lowe in stock?

Her: ...omg you didn't...

My sister was talking about candy she didn't like.

Her: "Swedish fish taste awful. They aren't even sweet!"

Me: "Well of course not. They're only sweet-ish."

I'm at my buddy's parent's house last night for his little birthday shindig with some friends. His mom is there and, while she's super sweet, she tends to find compliments for everything even if they're not needed.

His mom gets to talking to one of our friends about how the friend works at a bookstore downtown which happens to be a two storey building.

Friend's mom: "Oh, you work at Barnes and Noble? It must be nice to work there. It's such a building. It's so nice that it has two storeys."

Me: "I'm pretty sure there's a lot more than two stories in there..."

I had been talking today about wanting to bake something sweet, but we didn't get back home until pretty late. I said aloud that I was awfully tired.

Sister: "I thought you were going to bake?"

Dad: "She can't bake. She's already fried."

Then he cackled for like 30 seconds.

So it was MT friend's birthday, to celebrate she invited us all over to her house for some dinner.

They've got a pretty big house, and a sweet sound system set up with speakers in each room, so you could play music and everyone in the house will hear it.

So we're all talking and joking around over dinner, my friend hooked up her iPod to the sound system and Ed Sheeran is playing in the background

At this point, her dad comes over to chat

Dad: "So, how do you guys like my house music?"

Friend: "That's not house music dad..."

Dad: "Yeah it is! This is my house, and there's music playing in it, so it's house music!"