Of course I'm not. I'm going to stay at home. That has nothing to do with the lockdown though!
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I respect the people who are able to sit and stay at home during these times.

They are my idles.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Well since quarantine is making me stay at home...

I’ll be making mostly inside jokes

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsplanty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm concerned people aren't staying in and taking the whole stay at home order seriously

Car dealerships have more cars in their lots than ever!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EinHeldenle_Ben
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
So my fiance recently divorced from her stay at home ex whose name is Ali. He was making a fuss about not getting his cash settlements from the divorce. I had to calm her down and tell her to

Pay Alimony.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/roha5090
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I went on a trip to Cuba to stay at a few different places. By the end of week 2, we were walking barefoot across a beach, nearly dying of thirst and exhausted. We were wondering if we'd make it home, until I spotted a server holding some drinks. We sprinted towards her and drank both.

It was out last resort.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KingSulley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a stay at home queen?

A maiden

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bruhmomentinator
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
When your friends are out there celebrating New Year's and you stay at home just being yourself
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SalvioN21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
🚨︎ report
Post-it notes from a stay at home dad. (xpost /r/funny)
πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBleep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
🚨︎ report
As a stay at home dad, who does the shopping, I realized something today
πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PMS151
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
🚨︎ report
With everyone staying at home, Papa Murphy’s..

must be making some dough..

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cprayer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know who loves staying at home right now?

Quentin Quarantino

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolf_cy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I stayed at a hotel last night and came home with bed bugs!

I mite stay there again.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad told me this one last night

Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says β€œdid you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I made this video in good humor only... please do not take it as offense in any way, shape, or form!

Life as a Stay at Home Dad (honest humor nothing against Stay at Home Dads)

As as an aspiring father figure, I have the greatest respect for dads of every kind. In fact, much of this stems from the fact I’ve grown up from the age of 6 without a father of my own. I made this video as a comical representation of what I hope to be one day: a guy full of dad jokes and such humor.

Thank you for reading and enjoy!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mosswyatt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
β€ͺWhich occupation is the safest these days?‬

Stay-at-home dad

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Lockdown conversation travel puns

Me: You really cannot say when the lockdown will end, KENYA?

She: yeah, this SPAIN hurts

Me: stay home and be safe, whats the RUSSIA?

She: I am bored, VENICE this gonna end?

Me: At least your savings is DUBLIN right?

She: I give up, IRAN out of travel puns now

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/happy_watcher
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Great list of excellent puns

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crΓͺpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop

any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd

never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians in America first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she

couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A theasaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The

police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

My friend sent me these puns idk source just thought you would enjoy

πŸ‘︎ 213
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/benschweiz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Is this a pun, per se?

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with herβ€”waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to popβ€”she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, β€œOmigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

β€œWell, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife hit me with a top-tier dad joke.

Jackson Browne's "Loadout/Stay" was on the radio.

My wife said, "Did he do this song when you saw him in concert?" I replied, "No, actually he didn't do any encore at all." She said, "If I went to a concert and they didn't do an encore, I'd leave."

She immediately started elbowing me in my ribs to make sure I got it. I laughed about it the whole drive home. I'm so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youfromuniverseb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
🚨︎ report
I hit my wife with a dad joke last night.

I'm a stay at home father and my wife often comes home at around dinner time so I've taken up cooking. The last few nights I've really nailed a few new dishes and brought up my streak to my wife and she agreed I was doing well lately. That led to a dad joke forming in my head. I say to my wife:

"You should just start calling me butter."

She says, "Oooookaaay... why is that?"

"'Cause I'm on a dinner roll."

She actually groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 144
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sykotik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Away at college I miss Daddy's jokes

My parents planned to visit for dinner for my birthday. My university is about 45 minutes away from home. Mom and I chatted on the phone over the weekend, but tonight at dinner my mom again mentioned:

mom: "your brother had his friends stay overnight this weekend!"

me: "yes I heard."

dad: "wow, they were that loud?"

πŸ‘︎ 179
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/so_many_buttons
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoke from memory

Allow me to regale you with a couple tales illustrating my late dad's sense of humor. Last names faked because I'm not that stupid.

.

(1). At a routine PTA meeting about me in my Georgia school, everyone found themselves packed into a hot and stuffy room waiting for the boredom to end. Shoulder to shoulder fun, can you picture it?

My dad lets one rip. It's loud, smelly, and echoes. The room falls silent as the fart invites itself unfavorably to the nostrils of those in attendance.

He turns to my mom and with his best shocked face says, "... Patty!"

I like to think he slept on the couch that night.

.

(2). During my old man's wait for us to arrive at the new home he had bought, he had to deal with ongoing construction and roughed it at a hotel for a few nights. He was a retired Master Chief Machinist's Mate, so cramped quarters reminded him of the sub's nuclear engine room. No biggie.

An interview comes up for a civilian nuclear power plant nearby, and before you know it my dad's sitting before these stuffy, serious, wrinkly old board members and managers, having his (mostly military) resume picked through.

"Well Mister Smith, we're impressed. Twenty two years is no small amount of time to dedicate to the service. But do you feel you're qualified to operate and audit a civilian fission power plant?"

My dad thinks on it for a second.

"Well no, sir, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

He got the job immediately.

(For those needing the reference)

.

Thanks for caring to read. I miss him a lot and this subreddit always reminds me of his sense of dry, quick humor. Take care!

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Morvick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2013
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Hissed at for this one

Last night I arrived home a bit later than usual. Me and the lads wanted to go home after work for some drinks, but I told the Mrs. I had to stay late to do some work.

She heard through the grapevine that I was, in fact, out at the pub and not working late.

I get home and she calls me a snake for sneaking around and not telling her, to which I drunkenly reply...

"Well, you don't have to be so anacondascending about it"

...Almost slept on the couch

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/4licks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Little shits

Work in mental health field with at risk youth. This happened this week at our clinic meeting.

Coworker: "I wish I could get food poisoning to stay home and not deal with those little shits."

Me: Yet you'll be at home dealing with little shits.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/so-wizard
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2016
🚨︎ report
It's worth the read!

I should preface this by saying this was on of the best dates I've ever been on, but the relationship also subsequently fell apart because of it.

Anyway, a few years ago, my girlfriend and I had been going out for a few months, and things were great. I met her through a mutual friend of mine at the hospital, weirdly enough. Our friend had gotten in a very bad accident and had to get a glass eye. He would always dab it with cotton to stop the bleeding at the beginning. Anyway, this is all relevant because my girlfriend (not girlfriend at the time) bonded over how disgusting our friends eye was. This got us to talking, and before you know it, we started going out. Things got pretty serious months and months down the line, and I was just laid off from my job. This meant that in general, we would go on cheaper dates. Nothing too drastic. Just like a movie and dinner instead of say the Opera and a fancy five star restaurant.

So, about a year and a half into the relationship, Joe, the mutual friend of ours, suggests a double date with us and his girlfriend. He knew the situation I was in and offered to pay for the whole thing. Great right? Well... no. I was actually planning on proposing to my girlfriend. Except Joe suggested the plans in front of my girlfriend too, so she accepted for both of us. I didn't want to propose to her on a double date, so I pulled her aside and told her to just skip the date and come over instead. Joe had bought us all tickets to a baseball game, and believe it or not, my girlfriend chose the baseball game instead of me. I stayed home alone as she went out with Joe and his girlfriend. Moral of the story is, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd been married a long time ago.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/herper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Not even hot weather can stop a dad joke.

Okay so where I stay it is unbelievably hot at the moment. We're already on the third heatwave of this summer so far. I came home one afternoon from work to find my roommate sitting at the island counter of the kitchen working on his laptop. He had all the windows and doors wide open and said it was way too hot to work in his room. So later, while I was visiting my parents for dinner, the discussion of the weather came up and I recounted the story with my roomate. My dad got that twinkle in his eyes and said: β€œWell, I guess if you can’t stand the heat, get into the kitchen.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkwr4ith
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joked...In Spanish!

I'm on study abroad in Mexico right now, staying with a host family. Last weekend I went to the beach, and when I got home I was talking to my "dad" about it. He asked if there was a lot of people there, and I told him that no, it wasn't very busy. Then he commented that during Semana Santa (basically spring vacation) the only place to stay is "hotel camarena."

I looked at him confusedly, and he clarified.

"You know, hotel 'cama(bed) arena(sand)'."

(Meaning the only place to stay is on the beach, because the hotels are all full.)

This isn't the first dad joke I've gotten from him, hopefully I can remember more to post in the future.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/killerclarinet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Fiancee gave me a good setup

Her: If there's a Mrs. Dash, what does Mr. Dash do? Me: Oh, he's a stay-at-home dad, he takes care of their daughter, Emily. Her: (blank stare) Me: They call her Em. Her: (blank stare)

I then had to explain what an em dash is, but I still got a good laugh about it. She rolled over.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/israeljeff
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Could've just asked the concierge.

I was at the airport waiting for my flight home the other night when over the P.A they asked everyone from flight DJ-478 to Sydney to make their way to the service desk, so myself and my fellow passengers make our way over to the desk, where the very embarrassed and obviously distressed desk worker informs us that our flight has been cancelled, and the next one isn't till the morning, she then tells us that the airport will happily put us up in the 5 star hotel around the corner, and have us dropped back at the airport at 7am the following morning. Most the people there accepted this, after the desk lady told us it was for our personal safety and that there wasn't a lot more they could do, except this one particular gentleman, who storms over to the desk, and tells the woman that he needed to be in sydney tonight, and demands a flight be made available. (It's like 9:30 by this point, surely it could wait till the morning?). After again apologizing to the man, she tells him that won't be possible, and she sends us all on our way to the shuttle bus, with our bags already on there, and off we go to the hotel. The entire bus trip this guy carried on whinging and swearing, getting angrier and angrier by the second. We get to the hotel, and he's about 30 people behind the front of the queue to check in, and he gets impatient with the time it's taking, and again, storms his way up the line, past me (I was at the front), walks over to the desk, slams his fist down and says to the woman behind the desk "I want the biggest room you have, I want it in the next 30 seconds or so help me god, you aren't gonna like what happens", the woman looked up at him and said "Sir, the airport has paid for the rooms we already have organized, if you'll take your place back in line, we'll be with you as soon as we can", the guy got really angry about being asked to move back to his spot, he threw his bag down, and yelled at the woman, "Fuck this, call me a taxi, right fucking now, I'll find somewhere else to stay", that's when i decided to step in.

I said. "Oh okay then, you're a taxi".

He took his place back in line pretty quick.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iCappa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
🚨︎ report
This one scared me a little...

My Dad and I chat online almost everyday, out of the blue one afternoon I get:

Dad: I came home after work last night and saw a note your Mother left on the refridgerator. "It's not working, I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Sister's!"

<long pause>

Me: ...?

Dad: I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold... "WTF was she talkin about??!!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reebzor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Manager smelled what my coworker was cookin'

So, I work with a woman named Libby who is finally retiring in two days. It's no secret that she has a crush on Dwayne Johnson, so as a parting gift/joke some other coworkers bought a figurine, a wall poster, and a life-size cardboard cutout of him and put them at her desk.

When I was visiting her, her manager swung by to see her 'guest,' and he asked if the celebrity was going to be staying in the office. Libby said "Oh no no--he's coming home with me!" He says, "Huh. I thought the pet rock fad died out thirty years ago."

He tried to play it cool, but it was pretty easy to tell that he was absolutely tickled with himself.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSpiffySpaceman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Just dad joked my dear mom

We were in the kitchen talking about musicians who served in World War 2 and Glenn Miller was brought up and how he served in the airforce. She finished her point by saying:

Mom:"A lot of musicians in that era volunteered to serve over seas."

Me:"Yea you'd think Glenn Miller would have wanted to stay at home but I guess he was in the mood."

She threw a piece of bread at me and banished me from the kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drfunkenstien014
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2014
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A young cowboy in the old west

Got into an accident and lost his eye. The doc got him a wooden eye to fill the hole. Before the accident he was quite the ladies man, dancing with all the young ladies at the barn dances. But afterwards he never went out, just stayed at home. He knew no woman would ever want him. Finally all his buddies came by and grabbed him and took him to a barn dance. He was just looking at all the pretty young ladies, afraid to ask any to dance. He noticed the one he’d never seen before, she was beautiful. But as he looked at her, he saw that she had a peg-leg. Well, she’d dance with him. So he walked over to her and asked β€œwould you like to dance” she replied with excitement β€œ would I, would I? And he replied β€œpeg-leg peg-leg”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
from the ask reddit thread on lame jokes.
  • I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
  • When chemists die, they barium.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
  • This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  • What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  • I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
  • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
  • I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  • Velcro - what a rip off!
  • Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cffff
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Bags at home

At gas station with dad getting refreshments.

Clerk: "Would you like a bag?"

Dad: "No thanks she stayed at home, but i think she's all right"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashkanar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Pun overload!

My Dad sent me this list of punny sayings last Christmas. It explains a lot...

Punny sayings!

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.

Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gibbens15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
🚨︎ report
These were in an email forwarded to me from family. Bless their heart.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off !

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Floofing_Warlock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Punographic dad jokes

In true Dad joke fashion, my father emailed me this list of puns

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
Β· When chemists die, they barium. Β· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Β· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Β· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
Β· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Β· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Β· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Β· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
Β· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
Β· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
Β· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Β· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Β· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
Β· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Β· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Β· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Β· Broken pencils are pointless.
Β· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Β· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Β· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Β· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Β· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
Β· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Β· Velcro - what a rip off!
Β· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zjp_716
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.