Something 4 the Weekend Puns

So, I took the family to Monterey this past weekend. Went to the aquarium, and when it came time for me to choose something to do, I decided to take them to pebble beach. Beautiful views, great time all around. On the drive, I kept explaining to the 8 year old how everything and everyone around us were rich.

So, we’re leaving the beach, and on the way out past the putting greens of the golf course, we see a family of deer. The kid asks, hey, are the deer rich out here as well?

I replied no son, probably worth a few bucks.

Was at the Kanye (Yeezus) performance this weekend and he kept doing this thing where he would start playing a song then cut it off about five seconds in and rant about something. The third time this happened a guy behind me yelled "More like Teezus, am i right?"

The waitress gave us our food and he started looking the pieces over really intently. He turned them all over and checked every side.

Waitress: is everything okay sir? Dad: No i think something's wrong with my chicken. (Looking at the pieces for a second time) Waitress: I'm sorry, what's wrong? Dad: I don't think they signed my chicken.

I lost it.

Happy Fathers day weekend!

... on Friday night and parked in a zone that allowed 24 hour parking on weekends, but only 2 hour parking during the week. While he was there, a family member slipped something into his drink and sold him to a gang that traffics in frog legs. After the amputation he was taken to a hospital. He woke up to his mother telling him him the story you just read. He was a bit froggy from the sedatives, so he said "whaaaa?".

She replied: "I to'd you, toad, you got towed because you we're de-toed by de toad.

My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.

So that's what I have to deal with.

Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.

The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.

Boss: "What happened?"

Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."

Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."

Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.

I've told everyone about this the past couple days.

So one time there was this kid named Tim. Tim wanted to really wanted to go to the school prom with a girl named Janet. So one day, at school, he walked up to Janet and asked if she wanted to go.

She said yes!

So once she got home she told her mom. Her mom was very excited for her and called all of their family to share the news.

Then, that weekend, Janet and her mom went dress shopping. They looked and tried on several dresses until they found the right one. Janet tried that one on and was very happy.

Meanwhile, Tim needed a tuxedo. He looked online and found a great shop and put in an rental order.

The next week he came in and picked it up. On the way home he picked up a corsage. And once he got home, he ordered a limousine.

The day of Tim put on his tuxedo and grabbed the corsage just as the limo arrived to pick him up. Then the limo took him to Janet's house and her parents took a lot of pictures of the two of them.

Once their parents were finally done taking pictures, they left for the prom.

They bought their tickets and went inside and danced for a while.

And then, Janet asked Tim to get her something to drink. He went to find something, but there was no punch line!

When Harry Met Salad

What About Ke-Bob

Cumin to America

Weekend at Bearneaise II

Steakin I, II, & III

A Few Good Salmon

You’ve Got Kale

Shawshank Re-Dim Sum

Romancing the Scone

An Éclair to Remember

Roman Hollandaise

Glazed and Confused

Bill & Ted’s Eggcellent Adventure

The Evil Bread

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp

Fondue the Right Thing

Ribeyes Wide Shut

Mignons

Plante of the Grapes

Spider Manchu

Sushis All That

A Wok to Remember

Marsala-la Land

Apocalypse Cow

Die Chard

Die Chard with a Vinaigrette

Hogan’s Gyros

The Sand Latkes

A League of their Macaroni

Revenge of the Curds

Rush S’More

Braising Arizona

Demolition Ham

10 Things I hate About Ewe

Saladin

Oliver and Com-penne

Dirty Rotten Chanterelles

Sex and the Satay

The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs

Morella Enchanted

Provolone Together

Clear and Pheasant Danger

The Big Chili

Lémon: The Professional

Ava-Tartare

Hocous Pocous

High Fi-Deli Meat

Madagascargot

The Fifth Elementos

Muensters Inc.

There’s Something About Rosemary

I Am Ham

Quiche Lorraine Man

Barley & Me

Lentil Giants

Peggy Soufflé Got Married

Face Stroganoff

Con Gruyére

Fast Times at Porridgemont High

Bok Choys in the Hood

Papillonion

Requinoa for a Dream

Serial Cardamom

Soprano and Alto: Stop causing treble for other singers.

Bass singers: Stop bringing us down.

And remember our Grand Staff meeting next weekend... assuming we compose ourselves properly and no one gets a flat from something sharp on the way there.

My Dad, my step-mom, and I visited my step-sister in Montana(we live in Washington) where she goes to school. We had a fun weekend with her all throughout Missoula. My step-mom and step-sister have a a really close bond so when it was time to say goodbye it was tough for them and they both started crying. My dad said something close to "Look now your mother is crying," to which my sister says "Why are you worrying about her I have to walk through people like this." To which my dad hits her with the most dad joke of a dad joke I've ever heard him say. "Why don't you just walk around them instead?"

We were texting friends trying to set up something over the weekend and her best friend bailed saying she needed to save money. So my girlfriend turned to me and said:

"I'm SO pissed off"

"Well that's better than being pissed on honey"

You could hear the groan from a mile away.

Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend were in college. Now, Christina likes men with lots of testosterone, and her boyfriend was no exception, but the downside was, he was already losing his hair. "I would do something about it," he'd say, "but I don't know how much it would cost." One weekend they went to a student fair, and one of the campus groups was holding a couples' spelling contest. They were offering all kinds of gag items as prizes; condoms, jock straps, training bras, that sort of thing. The top prize for the winning guy was a hairpiece, valued at $100. So Christina helpfully suggested to her boyfriend, "If you won a bee with me, baby, there's a priced toupée!"

Took the kids to a bug museum this weekend and was walking behind this other dad and his kids for a good bit of the time. When we get to the leaf cutter ant exhibit, my three year old loudly says something to the effect, "Look at all those ants!". The dad turns around and says, smugly, "How do you know they aren't uncles?" My kids groan, his kids groan, all in a dad's work, right? Then his daughter, who was probably 8 or 9, pipes up, "Well, Dad, since they're all female, it's safe to say that are, in fact, aunts!"

Her timing was impeccable. She's going places.

So my family and I went to a local diner over the weekend and the ordering went like this.

Waitress: Hello everyone welcome to the Diner!

What are you guys having to eat this morning?

Mom: I'll get the hash with a side of bacon and two eggs please.

Waitress: how do you like your eggs?

Mom: Over easy please!

I chime in: I'll take the steak and eggs. Eggs over medium please!

look over at my dad and he's smirking and I can tell he's up to something

Waitress: and how about for the Dad?

Dad: I'll take the Country Fried Steak please.

Waitress: okay that comes with two sides, what would you like

Dad: I'll take the hash browns and eggs please.

He's smiling.

I'm thinking dad wtf are you doing with that face you're making right now. Please don't tell m you're going to

Waitress: okay Sir how would you like your eggs

Me thinking: OMFG I know wtf he's about to say. Don't you dare dad

Don't you fking dare

Waitress: Sir, how do you like your eggs? Is Over easy okay?

Dad: Over Here if you can.

> > > >

Dad and Mom are going nuts.

My brother and i have our head in hands.

God damnit Dad.

Her cousin is marrying a guy named Dee. Last night I had a sudden realization and had to point out something about that weekend.

"So I just realized. After the wedding, your cousin's going to be getting plenty of Dee's nuts."

Now I'm going to have to spend that entire weekend avoiding making that joke at the wedding.

Went to an art show on the weekend with my wife. We were looking at all the abstract paintings and my wife says,

I just don't get it why is the big splotchy painting worth $8,000 our daughter could paint something just like that. Maybe I'm just not cultured enough?

I reply,

That's not a problem honey you just need to eat more yoghurt!

My parents visited me last weekend. Short on ideas, we decided to hit up a widely-respected art museum. They had some new exhibitions, some of which were a little outside our personal tastes and expectations.

We walked into a photography exhibit and saw, along one wall, a sheet of green. This sheet of green was a little higher and taller than the average door, and stretched all the way down that bit of wall plus a few feet onto the floor.

"Oh," I said, "a green screen. That's kind of a neat little thing to have here. Sort of an homage to that style of film, I guess?"

Little did I know. In hindsight, I don't know why I expected anything different.

My father and I approached the plaque beside it. There we learned the truth: This was not a green screen. No. No, this was a specially printed photograph.

A photograph... of a green screen.

There we stood, astonished at the audacity of the thing before us. "My God," I said aloud, "This, right here, this is something else. This is just plain genius. Can you imagine getting money for something like this? Why didn't we come up with this? This is gold!"

To which my dad simply responded, "No, son...

... it's green."

About a week ago I purchased one of those cheap checkout isle toys for my son. In particular it was one of the fan type toys that looks like a helicopter, with a small compartment of candy under the handle. Naturally he downs the candy and is toting the toy around for the next six or seven days, putting random items in the compartment. One day it is Lego's, another its rocks, another its dirt, so on and so forth.

Every time he puts something new in it he comes up and shows me what he was able to fit into the compartment.

This afternoon I was getting ready for work and drinking my coffee (night shift's this weekend), when he comes up to me with the helicopter. "Dad, look" as he is shaking the toy around with something rattling inside. "look, look". OK buddy, whats in there?

"CD's".... Huh? the compartment is smaller than a roll of quarters, how does he have cd's in there?

He proudly opens it up and goes "see theese... hahahaha", and just stands there waiting for my reaction.

This morning I was talking to my dad on the phone and in the conversation it was mentioned that my roommate's sister (who lives in Germany) was going to be in town next weekend.

Dad: "Here's something to say to her in German when she gets to town, ..."

Me: "Yeahhhh I probably won't say it."

Dad (not giving a fuck): "How do you say virgin in German? Guttentight."

Me: "Ok maybe I'll say that."

I work as a photographer at reasonably popular tourist spot, and over the Easter weekend we're all wearing bunny ears. A family came in: The Dad: "Mate you've got something on your head!" Me: Nah, that's just my hare (MFW)

Blank looks from the rest of the family, but their dad appreciated it.

So having just seen this subreddit, I realize that my dad makes dad jokes too!

Here's some examples!

Whenever I / my sister would fall, or crash into something. Like, say, I fell on the floor

Me: Owww! Dad! I fell on the floor!

Dad: Oh no! Is the floor alright?!

(ba dum chhh!)

My sister's name is Helga, which can also translate to weekend in Norwegian

Dad: Question.

Helga: Yeah?

Dad: What are you doing in the weekend, weekend?

(ba dum bow-bow kachika-wow chhh!!)

Dad and me are avid fishers, so we've gone on fishing-trips in the nearby fjord, my dad is the type who buys the most expensive gear and fancies himself a bit of an expert

Dad: Say, let's make this interesting, let's have a fishing competition!

Me: Okay!

later that day I had gotten by far the most and biggest catches

Me: Hah, I won dad!

Dad: No, no. We weren't fishing about the most fish caught, the winner was the one with the least fish! I won!

(ba chinka dinga ka pow, bow dow kow!!!)

... Okay, so maybe the last one wasn't much of a joke, though. Hope you enjoyed the dadly jokes.

"Last year, ok, so it's Valentine's weekend, right? Well I'm going to the Auto show the day before the 14th, and my wife she goes: "So Valentine's day is coming up. And you're going to that auto show, I would love for you to get me something that can go from 0 to 200 within seconds!

So I got her a bathroom scale."