Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
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︎ Jan 07 2021
True story: So we were out today and sat at a table for some food. My 4yo asked what the holes and and notches were in the wood and my wife says βthey are knot holesβ.
Miss4 says βif they are not holes, what are they?β
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︎ Feb 06 2021
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, βWhatβs it like Outside Right Now?β She replies,
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︎ Feb 11 2021
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
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︎ Feb 11 2021
What so you call Santa without a GPS?
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︎ Nov 21 2020
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
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︎ Dec 16 2020
What did Mariah Carey say when her boyfriend bought her an undeveloped property so they could build their dream house?
I donβt want a lot for Christmas.
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Me: So, what do you do for a living? Ornithologist: Well, Iβm an ornithologist.
Me: Oh, really? Knock, knock!
Ornithologist: Whoβs there?
Me: Woodpeckers.
Ornithologist: Woodpeckers who?
Me: No, thatβs the owl. And you call yourself an ornithologist?
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︎ Jan 02 2021
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
Nobody has given me a straight answer
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︎ Sep 22 2020
This happened with me today morning. My phone's headphone jack isn't working so I asked my dad what to do about it.
He said, "Let's get a headphone Jill, then!"
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︎ Dec 13 2020
I was spelling out words to my wife so my daughter would not know what we were talking about.
She told me to stop spelling, it was giving her a headache.
Me: βO Kβ.
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︎ Jan 01 2021
So what if I can't spell armageddon?
It's not the end of the world.
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︎ Oct 30 2020
I can now legally tell dad jokes so heres my favorite. What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
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︎ Nov 21 2020
After a long hike to the top of a mountain, my wife asked me, βSo what do you think of The View?β
I said, βWhoopi Goldberg is ok, but I donβt like the other women on the show.β
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︎ Dec 19 2020
So what does everyone think of my new tattoo
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︎ Sep 09 2020
So my girlfriend her dad asked me what i do for living...
I told him i breath in and out.
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︎ Nov 20 2020
Man: Iβm so sorry Iβm late for my ship cleaning job. What are my responsibilities?
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︎ Nov 27 2020
So THATβS what happens when a diety gets disappointed...
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︎ Sep 08 2020
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, "What's wrong?". She screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"
"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"
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︎ Jan 27 2020
I was wondering what's taking them so long to count all the votes in Nevada
But I realized it's because their work is Neva Dan
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︎ Nov 05 2020
What are cows so nice?
'Cos they never want a beef with anyone.
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︎ Nov 22 2020
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
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︎ Oct 18 2020
A person who cannot see is known as blind, a person who cannot speak is known as mute. So, what do you call a person who cannot hear?
Anything you want to call them, they cannot hear.
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︎ Sep 25 2020
10...9...My Dad was counting down. I asked why. 7...6... βBecause itβll be 12:57, he said.β 5...4... βWhatβs so special about 12:57?β I asked.
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︎ Apr 21 2020
What do you can 2 false statements that are so bad they stun you?
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︎ Nov 03 2020
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what heβs found...
She says, βOh, thatβs horrible. Are they moving?β
The guy replies, βI donβt know, but that would explain the suitcase.β
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︎ Jun 30 2020
What do you call a selfie thatβs so good you put it in a frame?
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︎ Oct 25 2020
My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just wonβt come. Sheβs tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said βany means necessary.β
To which I replied βNo it doesnβt.β
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︎ Sep 06 2020
What makes my pc so COOL? That thing.
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︎ Aug 03 2020
My friend got married so I wrote her a poem regarding what she meant to me...
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︎ Oct 28 2020
So if GOAT stands for "Greatest of all time" what does HUMAN stand for?
Anything that they don't want to sit or lay down for
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︎ Oct 21 2020
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
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︎ Jul 26 2020
What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?
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︎ Sep 23 2020
What did the dad say to his son who wouldn't shut up about buying him a cup so he could play sports?
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︎ Oct 01 2020
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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︎ Aug 04 2019
It's my first post here and idk what to write in a tittle so here
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︎ May 19 2020
My step-dad came up with this so hope it counts. What do you call a gay farmer?
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︎ Jul 24 2020
So my wife and I were singing the song βThe farmer in the dellβ to our daughter. My wife looks at me and asks βWhatβs a dell?β
To which I responded: a British pop singer
Then came the eye roll
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︎ Sep 05 2020
My son asked me today what dΓ©jΓ vu meant as some bet. I pretended I didn't hear him to make him ask me again so I could teach him.
So he yelled, "Hey - ya new tent has come I bet!" as he ran to the door
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︎ Sep 21 2020
Groups of more than six will be banned under new Corona rules. So we all know what this means...
Sneezy is getting kicked out the seven dwarfs.
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︎ Sep 11 2020
My son asked me what itβs like to be married so I told him to leave me.
When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.
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︎ Aug 28 2020
Iβve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
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︎ May 10 2020
I've asked so many people what lgbtq stands for
So far I haven't gotten a straight answer
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︎ Nov 13 2020
So what if I can't spell armageddon?
It's not the end of the world.
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︎ Nov 11 2020
My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, βWhatβs wrong?β. She screamed. βThese contractions are going to kill me!!β
βI am sorry, honey,β I replied. βWhat is wrong?β
π︎ 15k
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︎ Aug 03 2019
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