Shut Eye Puns

when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.

After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit... I quit being your son."

Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning.

It was glorious.

*Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk

With my eyes shut!

"Did I ever tell you about the asshole?"

"What?"

"Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right? So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, thinking--why is this even a question?'

'Well, good luck doing all of the thinking if you can't see where you're going,' say the eyes. 'We should be in charge.'

'What good is it going to do seeing, if you can't get anywhere?' asked the legs.

'Well, without us, you'd have no oxygen,' said the lungs.

'Are you serious?' said the stomach. 'How are you supposed to process energy and do any of this stuff, without me??'

'Well, what about me?' piped up the asshole. 'I'm important too..'

'You?!?' laughed the other parts. 'Shut up, asshole!'

So the asshole went on strike.

A week and a half later, the brain couldn't think straight. The eyes couldn't focus, the legs were asleep from sitting on the pot, and the stomach was so jammed up full of crap that the lungs could barely breathe.

Finally, they all went to the asshole and said, 'Look, we're sorry, we're sorry!! Just come back to work, you can be in charge!'

...and that's why all bosses are assholes."

Miss ya, Pops.

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that “they were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

So there was a high school dance and at that dance there was a boy with a wooden eye and a girl with a hair lip. The boy walks over to her and asks her if she would like to dance. "Oh would I!", she says. He responds saying, "shut up hair lip!"

We were cuddling in our bed watching some tv and just hanging out before we shut our eyes for bed. She had her head on my chest and leg across my legs and that's when I told her...

Me: "Babe, do you like cuddling?" Her: "Yes of course, why?" Me: "I guess I make a good... body pillow."

She instantly pushed me away while groaning, totally worth it.

She rolled up some toilet paper and put it in her nose. Me: Is it that time of the month already? Her:...? Me: Because of the tampon. Her: (rolls eyes) Me: Guess that's nose sex for a weak, eh? Her: Oh shut up!

Me: Hey honey, I really want to go see 'It' at the theaters this week.

Fiance: I really wanna see It too!

Me: See what?

Fiance: It

Me: Huh?

Fiance: Oh shut up rolls eyes

Was walking along to a club late at night in Glasgow (considered a dangerous city in the UK) and an elderly man says to us:

"You better keep your eyes open tonight lads"

To which we reply "why, what's going on tonight?"

"Because you'll not be able to see where you're going with them shut"

All while planning next year's big trip to Disneyland.

Wife: We can make our daughter wear a dress!

MiL: Yeah she could wear a tu-tu!

Me: Well if we're going all out, why don't we just get her a three-three!

eyes roll

MiL to Wife: You know you could wear a tu-tu too!

Me: The math still adds up, so we are getting a three-three!

groans

Wife: Shut up.

Thanks, I'm here all week.

So a meth dealer is trying to expand his territory into a local school back in the late 90's. He's having a really hard time until he hits on a marketing phrase: "Meth is illin'!" For some reason, that closes every sale he tries to make at the school. It starts with the students, but then he gets some of the faculty as customers and he has one dealing the stuff. For some reason, every single time, when he says "meth is illin'!" he closes the deal. Even the administrators can't seem to resist his catchphrase.

But then his contact on the faculty alerts him to a problem -- the janitor is going to figure out what's going on, and he's going to shut everything down. The teacher is scared of the guy, but our dealer has gained so much confidence in himself that he cannot worry. He waits for the janitor on his morning route.

"Hey man, don't you know? Meth is i-"

But before he can even finish the sentence, the janitor has sprayed floor cleaner in his eyes, hit him in the gut with his mop, and crammed him in a trash can. The dealer is arrested and immediately convicted.

TL; DR: Do not fuck with "meth is illin'!" resistant staff.