A woman told me she was in love with 14 soldiers and didn't know what to do.

I told her not to worry - it was clearly just a platoonic relationship.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porkchop_d_clown
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked me for a recommendation for a good book. I told her I had the perfect book in my collection for her to read. It has drama, romance, betrayal, excitement, action, love, loss, heroes, villians, mystery and puzzles. Pretty much everything really. Excitedly she asked me for it.

I handed her the dictionary.

πŸ‘︎ 475
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me β€œThe Love Machine”.

Because I suck at tennis.

πŸ‘︎ 433
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
My physicist girlfriend told me that she loves me to the moon and back.

I’m worried she means displacement, not distance.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend loves puns and I told her to come check out this page. She kept telling me she couldn’t find it....
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdiddy1026
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up...

I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/levelologist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.

I told her I’ll try not doing it again.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Introduced my 3 year old to Mary Poppins and she loves it. But keeps telling me the joke told by Bert and Uncle Albert.

β€œI know a man with a wooden leg named Smith..”

β€œReally, what’s the name of his other leg?”

She tells both lines and laughs loudly saying β€œthat’s funny Daddy”...

Love it.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I love to go on dates, but we always do what she wants. Today she asked me, β€˜If you had to pick any date, what would it be?’

June 19th, 1910

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VividDreamerzzzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Gave a woman a drink of my lemonade in the bar last night and she completely fell in love with me.

I schwepped her right off her feet.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
My daughter told me she loves geometry

Figures

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctr1989
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My ex told me she couldn’t love me anymore.

To change her mind I put a penny on her stomach. Ab-cents makes the heart grow fonder. .

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lilsguy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My fiance and I were in bed and she said to me "I love you"

I told her "I like trees as well but you don't see me going on about it"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/quazamuhaha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2017
🚨︎ report
My daughter told me she loves her new bed. I told her "Why don't you marry it?"

Now she won't stop wedding it. I hope plastic sheets are in the registry.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
🚨︎ report
She told me I had to choose between her or my love of abusing infrastructure.

I hit the road right then and there.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2016
🚨︎ report
Today me a colleague told me she was in love with a kleptomaniac..

To which I replied: "Probably because he stole your heart"

Groans were had all around ^^

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Edrill
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2015
🚨︎ report
She told me, "I only love you on days that end with 'Y.'"

So I said, "none then, because no days end with 'w-h-y.'"

rolls eyes

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fc528e
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
🚨︎ report
My physicist wife keeps telling me that she loves me to the moon and back.

I’m not sure whether she means distance, or displacement.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My physicist wife keeps telling me she loves me to the moon and back.

I wonder whether she means distance or displacement.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
🚨︎ report

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